Embarassed

Time marches on around me.  I sit still in my spiritual progress hoping that the end is yet 10 years off.  I don't believe that any more.  I think it is like 2 years away.  I just don't know though.

I want to go to meetings but I can't seem to get myself motivated to go.  I'm on Zoloft again.  I can't really feel it but I was (relatively) productive last weekend.  I got an oil change for one car and a slow leak in the tire for another.  I took the dc out to dinner and I didn't go to the meeting or finish the laundry.

Pathetic, but yet and still better than most recent weekends.  DC thinks I should get Arlene an ipad.  I think that's a good idea.  I need to look into it though. 

I am still a f*cking mess and a blithering idiot.  I think about the bad and stupid things I have done recently and I just want to gag, yell, scream in agony over the foolishness I have wrought upon my head.  I am so deeply ashamed.  And then from a spiritual perspective it is all much, much worse.  There seems to be no way out of this mess.  The "brothers" have literally given up on me.  The rest of the congregation follows their lead and stopped touching me with their 10 foot poles. 

i walk around the city at lunch deliberately going by the place where Jw's are doing street work.  Just seeing them is encouraging.  I almost never speak to them though.  I really don't have anything to say.  I wish I could be like them, but I can't seem to bridge that gap.  I so deeply hate myself. 

I got to do some real coding last week.  It made me feel good.  Like I had some skill.  However I realize that any school boy could do the same.  I am so very humiliated in my life and thinking.  I am just so very ashamed. 

Prayer 20170228 0740 Hours

Sometimes I can't collect my thoughts and pray at the same time, so I decided to write this one down:

Oh dear God, what have I done with my life.  It is just a mess; I am headed for another major failure.  I can't get myself to the meetings and I am seeing cuddlists for the personal comfort and nuzzling that I need.  However it exposes me to danger in some sense.  I am not comfortable with the practice but I feel like I need it, but I am sure it is similar to, but not as strong as, the need of an addict for their drug of choice, be it alcohol, heroin or coffee.

I have chosen badly, electing Satan's world over yours.  I have suffered and I'll suffer more yet.  I have felt the absence of joy and hope poignantly.  It cuts deep into my soul.  But like a monkey with his hand in a capture jar, I can't let go.  I can feel my resistance to Satan's siren song fading, as much as I want to hold to cold logic.  Logic that says serve Jehovah with all your strength.

But I listen to Satan's music, I work in his world I entertain myself with his media and I visit his escorts.  No wonder I am failing.  No wonder I can't get to the meetings.

But what now, Jehovah, how do I make myself turn to you, listen to your voice and maybe one day serve you more than the previous day each day forward.  Honestly it seems impossible.  I know it is not impossible to you, but since the elders have given up on me, I haven't been successful.  I guess I do blame them some, even as cold logic and real evidence tells me that I am primarily to blame.  This morass is of my own doing.  I hate myself for it. 

Thank you for the good things and I am really glad mom and dad will enjoy a great life.  Please help them forget about me if I don't make it.  Help Wendy carry on as well, please.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I ache at heart and want to hide myself from you.  But that's worse than continuing to try, even weakly.  I wonder if this is how Adam felt. 

For now my request is simple, please help me get to the meeting today. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And yet more Sh*t

This is old, I'm just going to post it so that it is in the correct order, but it really comes from late 2016.

Lots of stuff is going on now. I am seriously starting to get rid of my house Lower Va.  I'm having loads of trouble with my new job. I have almost completely fallen out of the truth (again) and, to that point, I had an in-call session with a really hot but very nice provider (nothing happened.) I almost had a session with another smoking hot provider.  I got scared in a dentist chair and prayed to God for the first time in a long time.  I missed another assembly.  I am sitting here thinking about going to a meeting for the first time in a very long time.  What makes this time different is that I actually downloaded the meeting workbook and updated the links to the attendant materials to be sure I have everything.  I won't be surprised if my car breaks down on the way there. Oh, and I am exercising more and loosing weight, although the past 2 days I seem to have plateaued and I just pigged out on some left over sandwiches in the kitchen.

Oh and I am still trying with the bitch from FL.  Played it cool last weekend.  Made her day with a comment and then went dark.  Probably pick it up again this weekend.

Oh yes and I am picking up morning bible reading again (for the past several days or so.)

A living breathing study in contrasts this is.

Of course now its 5:30, I am dog tired.  I realize I can't get up at 2:00 AM and expect to go to a 7:30 meeting that gets me home at 10:00 PM.  I can't do  that any more, even when I am exercising.  I think I'm going to have to skip exercising on meeting days.  Maybe get up at 4:30 or even 5:00 on those days.

More Sh*t

Well its weeks later.  The bitch I was referring to earlier is a non factor.  I find that when I am interested in someone I over-communicate making them scared (with good reason.) They then run away.  Why I can't get any "action."  Its pathetic, but I think it a potential life saver.  Of course I have to do something, not just avoid sex, to get into God's paradise. 

I met some jw's during a lunch time walk and I said the magic words to them so as not to give a false impression of myself.  I said I was "inactive" which means that I've been bad, but not necessarily so bad that I got kicked out.  They automatically whipped out a booklet designed for people like me that was released a couple of years ago.  I told them I had seen it before and had read through it.  "Read through" meaning that I had scanned it and gotten an idea of the contents but did not necessarily read every word.  I wanted to know if the Khall was in a safe area that I could walk to at night safely (meetings start at 7:30 PM and end around 9:00 PM.)  They said the one at 5th and N was so I thought about going there but haven't made it yet. 

Its a good distance so I'll probably have to take the metro.  Maybe the next time I spend the night in DC I could go there.  I have on one occasion taken a hotel room to relieve the stress of a long commute.  It didn't work out that well  but I think its a matter of choosing the correct location and having specific plans on how to  spend the time.

I really want to leave my bad house in SoVa and I am making small progress on that front.  Its a long way to go though.  I'm going to kill myself out of grief and frustration on leaving (or potentially leaving that place.)  My memories from there are uniformly bad, yet even so it is hard to tear myself away.  I've started throwing the excess junk out and moving the small packables.  This is going to take several months to effect this move.

Here the Frack We Go Again!

And look, here I am again.  Today with a new set of issues and details of Satan's latest attack on this helpless poor dumb bastard (not literally a bastard.)

Someone with whom i flirted in a previous life returned to consciousness and I reached out to her.  As it turns out, she recently divorced her husband and forced him out of her life.  Not that she didn't have cause and I certainly don't know off the details.  So she may actually still be married by God's reckoning. 

So far we have emailed, messaged on social media, texted and soon we plan to talk on the phone.  I am already proposing that she visit soon.  And of course there is a kid, younger than mine when I moved to DC.  I am watching myself trot merrily into the furnace. Oh my God, can you save me from my own stupidity?  Apparently not when that stupidity is persistent.  Hell, just look at the misery that is my life. 

So now I spend my days anticipating what our first meeting will be like, how long it will be before we end up in bed together and what it will be like for me and for my relations when I am kicked out of the religion.  All the bad results that I know are sure to follow have not been enough to stem the tide of action.  I suppose I believe I can rake fire into myself and not get burned.   How very stupid.  I did pray once for God's help, but then immediately forgot and behaved as if I never said a word.

You are so very stupid.  In the literal sense of the word.  You have the knowledge.  You know what you are doing wrong, you know how to avoid this situation.  And yet you continue down the path to do the wrong thing.  That's what biblical people call "stupid." 

My head hurts.  I am getting sick.  I hate myself.  Depression is coming back.  It won't be long before I am suicidal again.  I just need some help, and the people to whom I ask for it are not responding quickly if at all.

Satan 12,039  Mark 3

The thing is I know what to do but with the depression coming back, I haven't been successful in making myself follow through.

Can't Feel the Bottom Yet

So I am really struggling physically.  I can't sleep well at night.  I get really tired at work and if I am in a meeting and I don't really understand all the notions being presented, i just get really sleepy.  I have to bring a drink (not just water) to keep myself awake in meetings longer than 1/2 hour.  That's bad. 

I run out of juice around 3:00 PM and struggle to be productive the rest of the day.  I hate, hate, hate this but what else am I going to do? 

One of the deacons (cheese staff)  called me the other day.  He wants to meet.  I don't because these things always get me thinking that maybe they can help, but they haven't helped much so as I can discern.  That's not to say that they haven't (or aren't) saved(ing) my life.  Such may be the case and I'm just too stupid or ignorant to know it.  I'll meet with them if they want, but I don't think it will help and it may actually hurt by raising false expectations.  I keep figuring that it must be my fault.  I mean if these dudes are so ineffective to everyone I think it would be difficult for people to give them the respect they enjoy.  Of course the respect may result more from their position than their actual assistance value.  What I see is that they poke me once or twice a year and then vanish for the other 50 weeks of the year. 

I am spacing frequently now.  That is that I find myself staring off into space and daydreaming about something unrelated to work.  In meetings when I am really trying to pay strict attention, when I am spacing I really think I am briefly (hopefully) falling asleep.  So, its bad. 

I wish I could change this.  Find a way to make this go away. 

Right now I like my current method of lifting my spirits, that is seeing escorts.  Unfortunately it is just too terribly expensive.  I just can't keep doing this.  I have sort of decided that 1 grand every 2 months is doable, but man, that's still a whole lot of cash.

I am still falling spiritually.  I have pretty much stopped going to meetings.  I hope I hit bottom soon; that is to say I hope that the bottom is not too far away from where I am now.  I mean it's still a long way down to apostasy, but a dis-fellowshipping offence (really pretty much anything for me) is very close.  One meeting with a provider that goes well (or badly spiritually) could put me out (further out) of the organization for years.  See, once I'm out I know I'll do things that I've wanted to do all along.  So yea, this is really bad.

So I anticipate I'll meet with the cheese on Sunday afternoon and be down in the dumps again on Sunday evening.  I just don't see it happening any other way.  I just don't want to think about it anymore, lest I get my hopes up.

I wish I could think of something I want to do; something fun, that I can do alone.  I just can't think of anything (other than the obvious.)

I so freaking hate myself, my life, my attitude, my body, my job, my weak ass eyes and my bad teeth.  I hate it all.  I know what's wrong (I don't love God) but I can't seem to fix it.  Sh*t, this is bad. 

I still use eHarmony and Tender.  I never get any lasting responses there.  I respond to hundreds and get responses in the low single digits.  Nothing is ever going to happen there.  I am sure I'll eventually get bored with it and just stop.  

And Back Down We Go

So I am in the new position.  Its a cube when I have been used to an office for 8 years.  Everything is very nice, it's like an 8x8 cube with low walls, maybe 4' high.  There is glass on at the top 6".  Walls on 3 sides and a short stub on the other so there isn't even a doorway.   If you can't tell by the way I've described it, I don't like it.  Not that it is poor quality, its really great.  I just feel so diminutive.  I see 20 something people not much more than 3 years into their career sitting next to me.  It really makes me feel badly since here I am nearing retirement nd I don't rate any more than this.  Its one of the worst cubes on the floor.  Not near a window, next to an aisle, far from my colleagues.  So the little twenty somethings at the start of their career, have better locations than I do.

This job started well but I am now having serious questions about whether this job is a good fit.  People don't enjoin me in discussions and the tasks I am given are literally crumbs.  I'm supposed to be replacing a techy consultant.  He is really good and is a very nice guy; he is not good at training others.  And he is out on vacation for the next 3 weeks.  I just don't know what to expect. 

We have a lot of employee engagement sessions which is good.  But I missed one really fun event due to an emergency dr's appt.  I missed  the start of another and ended up taking the last seat between two people.  I was unable to engage anyone in conversation on either side or across the table so after sitting there for 20 minutes or so listening to other people's conversations, I just got up and left. 

The next event is a birthday party.  Sh*t. 

I do think that they have a legitimate winter party rather than a Christmas party, We'll see if there is a secret santa program or a tree at the event.  Probably is, but oh well.

The work could be really good,  I will have a much more technical role so I am nervous about that, but excited to be able to re-sharpen tech skills.  The cube spaces all filled up near the team I am working with so I am a lone dude in another section of the office.  People stopped by when I first showed up but generally people I work with don't come by anymore.  People feel free to cut me off in meetings already and have no qualms about scheduling meetings on top of meetings I already had in place.

This place is one of the nicest places to work for in DC and I'm unhappy thus far.  What does that say about me.

So I finally broke down and got a big screen TV, 55" Samsung curved screen.  A great deal at 650 USD, regular price over 1K.  Some damn promotion or another.  That was 3 weeks ago and it still isn't set up.  I took it out of the box last weekend.  I started hooking up the AV receiver that I had from a year or two ago, along with speakers of the same epoch.  Ran out of speaker wire.  Discovered that the audio cables are too short and realized I don't have all the hdmi cables I need.  .


Stale news, I ordered all that crap and it is trickling in.  (Oh and I forgot the subwoofer; that's on its way as well.)  Next is the discovery that I'll need a Bluetooth connection for the receiver, and that all the components I wanted to include in the system really don't fit with the location/use I have.  So the turntable, satellite radio, cd/cassette (!?) recorder/player has to go in another area of the condo.  Oh yea, and I'll need another receiver/flatscreen TV for that space. 

How the f*ck did I get here.

I finally gave up the war game I was playing for hours on end.  Its been a few weeks and this time I think it is gone for good.  Yea!.  So I went out and bought a Surface so that I could take notes more efficiently at the convention.  The promotion that week was a free X-Box.  Yea, what?  Sh*t!  of course I haven't hooked that up yet either so we'll see how long I can stay away from violent video games. 

I'm finding that I just lack motivation for almost anything these days.  Let's not talk about my house in Marion or Martinsville.

My new pastime is looking at women on eHarmony and tender.  They write me back less than 1% of the time, hence the phrase "looking at women" rather than something more fun like actively interacting.  So I have actually chatted a few times but out of the 500 or so women I've swiped right or matched on eHarmony, I think I have had maybe 2 real conversations and 0 actual meetings.  I'm paid up for 6 months / 1 year on eHarmony / tender.  So I'll keep going until my membership runs out(unless I loose motivation.) 

House cleaning is sliding.  The countertops are usually messy and/or dirty.  None of the couches are clear.  The bed hasn't been clear for many years now.  Not even half of it. 

The bad feeling is coming back.  I'm feeling sad all the time.  I'm never happy.  I sit down at the convention ready to take notes on my new surface tablet and the words that occur to me at the starting gate are:  "Let the bludgeoning begin"  Talk after talk they tell me about my failures, mistakes and hold up the example of people so much better than me there is literally nothing that I can do for them; even if they are poor.

How did the song go?  "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again .  .  ."

This life has been like a roller coaster.  I was at the highest point at the start of my career, and I've gone down and up and up and down and around.  But always the highs are not as high as they were at first.  The lows keep getting lower.  And all the while, I choose not to return to Jehovah.  The God I really need to connect with. 

I don't have enough strength to grab hold.  And if perchance I do, I can't hang on long enough to make a difference.  And its mostly my fault.  It did not have to be this way.  I hate this, I hate my life, I hate myself.  And here I am again, considering the final option.