Too Much To Overcome

I am feeling overwhelmed again.  I visited my house and there is a huge volume of work needed there.  I have a giant the IRS looming over my shoulder wanting hundreds of thousands of dollars from me.  I just can't carry on.  This hurts and the pain isn't going away.  I am cut and damaged.  There isn't a way out.  I am suspicious any time I am feeling a little bit good, because I know it is only temporary.  The truth of my awfulness will eventually come flooding back to my real and conscious mind.  It just makes everything worse.

I want it to all end, but I can't make that happen.  I am too much of a coward to take the final solution.  I feel like I am being dragged behind a truck.  fast enough to keep up with running, but too fast for me to be able to keep up the pace for much longer if at all.  I stumble and misstep, while am not having the skin ripped from my body by asphalt, I just know it wont' be long before that happens.

How the image of nice things holds for more than a nanosecond in my mind is amazing.  I just can't believe my mind even goes there.  God, I hate what I have become.  I wish I had never left you.  But that option was closed 35 years ago.  Shit, has it been that long?  Actually, it has been a few years longer.  When one of those famous deep space probes turned around and photographed the earth, it showed just how insignificant the globe is in the grand scheme of things.  Now I think of myself on that globe and I realize that I am less than nothing.  Just a molecule in a glass of water, in a little town, in the country, in the world, in the solar system, in the galaxy, galaxy cluster, known universe.

I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, but I can't seem to be successful, and it seems like it doesn't matter now.  God moves on when individual servants fail him.  He will not have his will paused by someone stupid like me, nor should he.  God what can I do anymore.  It seems like just nothing.

Human Interaction

So I did see the woman last weekend and spent all day Saturday there.  Then she comes over on Sunday and says to me that the Brothers told her I shouldn't be seeing her at all.  She's right, I never should have started.  I wanted to reach out for some human companionship and that was my outlet.  Not it's gone.  No Humans Allowed for me; I suppose it would be ok to communicate with aliens.

It is getting bad now.  I don't know why I am thinking about my problems all the time; the cloud is coming back.  I hate myself.

I went to the meeting last night.  It was as bad as I remember.  People look down and away when I walk past or they pretend they don't see me.  I have to do something different but I don't know what to do.  Maybe if I could figure out how to use them to get what I need.  Like a study partner to bounce ideas around.  It would be easier and simpler if I just ended it all.  And the remaining world would be a better place.  I mean really who am I kidding, certainly not God.  I'm never going to get this right.  And even if I did for some period of time, it won't last long before I stumble over some minor or major issue Satan throws in my path.  She needn't even be all that pretty.  Hell, she needn't be real.

It won't be long before the self hate is waking me up at night.  I look forward to sleep where I can "forget about life for a while."  I plunge myself into work so I don't have to think about my crap life.  Not that life is crap, it can be wonderful.  It is just that what I made of my life is crap.

Stuck

So I got this new computer.  It works mostly but the external monitor connection is broken.  Instead of the rush to fix, I am just taking it on the chin.  Oh well I say.  It works mostly.  I just can't fight the problems anymore.  My first thought, after denial, anger, depression, acceptance, is to buy another one.  Damn, what a sap I have become.  I truly hate what I am.

Oh well another crap day ahead.  I just have to suck it up and get urinated upon by the people in this job.  I truly hate it.  I just can't get out of the way or even raise a hand to block the stream. 

The woman wants me to come over this weekend.  I probably will.  Not because I enjoy the punishment of being with someone like that.  it is because I cannot stand the loneliness of being without anyone.  It is like eating food laced with poison.  After a while you just get so hungry, you know it is killing you but you do it anyway.  And, to keep the analogy alive, the perfectly healthy food is just sitting right there, ready for consumption.  However you eschew that banquet because it all tastes awful.  But there really isn't anything wrong with the food, it is just the witches brew I am drinking now makes healthy food taste awful. 

I just have to stiffen my resolve and start going to the meetings.  But then it's not "just."  It is an extremely difficult thing to do.  Being surrounded by people all happily chatting and having a wonderful time, while I sit there with no one willing to talk to me is just too difficult to manage.  I am the oil and the congregation is aqueous.  We don't mix.  Again it's my fault.  I truly hate myself.  I am fat, old and ugly.  I have bad teeth and red eyes.  I disgust myself.  I just can't keep this up.

The Bitch is Back

So, I wrote the last post a couple of weeks ago.  This one is more of the same I guess.  I am getting more involved with my ex-wife.  We are dating again, not out of direct intent, it is just that I have no one else that seems to want to talk to me and she is willing so .  .  .  I am not in love with her anymore.  But she represents companionship where otherwise I have none.  Hence the draw. 

I understand, know (as well as one can, these things) that I should not see her anymore.  But we consistently have to be together to deal with our children gone wild.  And that interaction has led to further discussion and dating.

The additional contact has led me to see that she can be very nice, but that she still has an ugly side.  Instead of saying what she wants she manipulates me to offer what she wants so that she doesn't have to ask.  She wants to be her own self, make up her own mind and spend her own money, and she wants a sexual partner as well.  All fine by me if I wasn't trying to be a good Christian.  I don't think I will ever want to marry this woman again.  However I am a lonely old fat man and I don't resist the temptation to see her.

I still spend every morning and evening reviewing why I hate myself.  Of course when I review why God will kill me in the near future it validates my self hate.  When I reflect on the fact that God has given me everything I need for a happy and wonderful life and I took what he provided and rejected it, I feel even more intense frustration and hate.  And what puts me over the top is that all I need to do is turn back go God and he will forgive me and take me back (if it isn't already too late.)  That just chaps me right past the limits of endurance.  I really hate this.

One Step Forward . . .

Sliding back into the muck of depression isn't a pretty thing to watch.  You struggle, rationalize, watch mistakes happening feeling powerless to stop them.  Now I am watching my body stretch into grotesque shapes as I see the results of my attempts to calm my mind with food.  The words of others just seem like infantile babbling.  I reach to the old stand-by for solving problems; I try to think them through.  It just accelerates the downward spiral as I see the interconnects that make the issues seem so intractable.  I think of the mistakes I made in the past that have lead to such a miserable life.  It is not like I am a poor hungry child of warfare.  They can't help themselves.  More like a fat and spoiled brat addicted to money.

I think about the mistakes I made that led to bad decisions of my children and realize that I share huge responsibility for their demise.  All of them!  I am sick at heart, ugly to God and deserve nothing but death at his hand.  I listen to myself and Satan instead of that which few people have the chance to hear clearly,  What an idiot I am.

And I know it will get worse.  I am a coward and cannot stand the impending doom.  I am under shadow, I've lost the light.  I know where to run but feel paralyzed.  I can't move even though I know that I must be able to do so. I just watch for the first pressure wave.  And I know its going to hurt, a lot, until I am finally dead.  Dead at God's hand.  And yet I am so thoroughly trapped, I can't fix it.  I can't get out.  Even though I must be able to or it would be unfair.  And above all things mentioned thus far, God is not unfair.

How I hate this.  I want to bring the curtain down, but I keep thinking that there must be a solution.  There must be a way to motivate myself to do those things I have to do.  I am so ashamed.  So totally ashamed of who I am and what I have done with my life.

Moods

Two insights about my overall mood.  1)  It is cyclical and 2) the overall direction across several cycles is negative.  Let's look at each.

1)  The cyclical nature is coincident with God only knows what.  I am sure there is a spiritual component, but it is if there is a huge delay between spiritual progress and the resultant impact on mood.  I can remember an instance where I went out in Field Service and that afternoon I felt this real "high" that I knew was a joy coming from having done what I knew I should be doing that morning.  Of course that was over 20 years ago.  More recently I spent several months gradually increasing the the "correct" practices: study,  meetings, prayer, service (the quad.)  Mood inched higher but given the level of effort (10 hours each week minimum) I was surprised at how imperceptibly the needle moved in any given week or month.  While the change was positive, the rate of change was abismal.

2) A year ago I was in a deep and dark place and would have thrown it all over if I hadn't fallen into the arms of a pretty good psychologist.  At 140 per session every other week and 160 per session for the psychologist and 300 /month for the medication, I chose not to keep it much longer than a few months.  It dug me out of a deep hole though.  Now I spend at least that much per month buying shit I don't need.  I get that little boost that lasts for a few hours when I get something new I like.  The disappointment that comes when I get something that is broken, or was different from what I ordered disrupts it though.  But I just buy more stuff to make up for it.


A few other observations:

1.  My mood can amplified and, strangely quelled, by listening to coincidental music.  In other words if I am feeling angry and frustrated, if I listen to music that inspires the same, then I feel more angry and frustrated but the also provided a relief and makes me feel justified in my anger and frustration.  I can feel the tension flowing out as I listen.

In a word, I guess, I'm tired.  I know it's all my fault but that doesn't make the tired feeling go away.  The only people who seem to want to talk to me are either disfellowshipped or they hold me up on a pedestal that I find extraordinarily uncomfortable.

So all 4 (count 'em 4) people that have any interest in talking to me are either "off limits" or take more energy than I am prepared to give.  And I don't want to go back to the congregation because they are so well versed in making me feel like crap.  Not unless I roll over and expose the vital organs.

Its party time!

I am just not quite there yet.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I hate what I am feeling.  To be specific, out of control, embarrassed and disappointed at the massive failure such as is my life.  It hurts like hell and the constant foreboding of worse to come is maddening.  To know that God is there willing to help and that I choose not to reach for that help is just so crazy insane.  Why do I not do this?

I know I can be stubborn, but this is truly absurd.  So every now and then (more then than now)  I find a way to get myself moving again.  I don't seem to be able to do this at will.  I want to make it happen, but it just seems out of my control, even thought I know it isn't.  I am just waiting to see how "motivated" I get when the GT starts.  Or I might just flip the other way and say "it's too late now! and party my way to hell.  Of course I doubt that will be an option.  I think I will be caught unable to do anything just waiting in he muck of the life and this system until my end comes.  What party?  there won't be anyone in a party mood at that point.  Least of all me.

And I know it's coming.  I know God is right,   I know the path to true happiness.  I just refuse to do God's will, ludicrous!  I am turning my back on God.  I am killing (have killed) my family and I am forced to watch it happen in slow motion powerless to turn the flow of events.  I am killing myself as well if there is enough time before God's judgment arrives and does it for me.  It's what I deserve for this immense collapse.  It doesn't take a grand master to see the checkmate's approach.  I've lost my nearly all my pieces and the most powerful piece I have, indeed the most powerful piece on the board, I ignore, choosing to scurry around the board trying to do the impossible, survive without God's help.