I Keep Failing . . . And Falling.

 

I wish I could find something I cared about but that isn't bad for me.  Of course that rules out porn, women, guns, computer games and listening to goth & symphonic metal music.  

What else is there?  If there was it might be something that I could immerse myself into that is better than reading SciFi books.  

I wrote my doctor today and said that I am not doing well.  I don't really think it will do any good.  This is a slightly better than typical US doctor.  There seems to be a genuine caring there, however it isn't manifest in any special way in terms of treatment.  The doc doesn't seem all that much more excited to find a good solution for my ailments than I would have expected.  Whatever, it is the world I live in along with billions of others.

I still dream of being rich and what I would do to my house if I had a lot of money. New Kitchen hood and fixtures, Garage, Pool, landscaping.  Right now I am faced with more practical things:  New roof, mold abatement, French drain, replacing sliding glass door, etc.  

I just hate being caught up in this crap and having to manage something that I am not sure I even really want.  I mean, what good is it going to do? 

Suicidal thoughts are coming more frequently now.  It is not like I am about to do anything.  Any long term reader would understand that suicide is something I have been thinking about since high school.  Logically it doesn't make sense so I don't feel I am particularly close to doing something like that.  It just comes into mind when things get rougher than before.  

I think a lot about the fact that there is so little for me to dream about.  I have a lot of the crap I wanted in high school, but as predicted it is not satisfying.  I have come to understand that this doesn't bring happiness, but it just brings a desire for bigger and better things.  Right now I want a woman, but those are just totally out of reach, especially since I want a prime woman, not just any one.  

It isn't about just sex but also about nurturing them and making them happy.  Watching them grow to improve in their chosen endeavors.  I want to have a hand in helping them along that way.  But that is so far away right now.  I keep thinking that I will survive Armageddon despite the evidence against it.  I have lived on my own for over 40 years and haven't really served God well during that time.  I keep thinking that his mercy will cover my shortages but that just doesn't seem likely giving how bad my sins are and how little I have done that he has asked of me.  God I am so sorry I chose so very poorly.  I wish I could do it all again.  The only chance to start over is if I make it into the new system, but I don't think I deserve that, I have already proved what a failure I am.

I guess I am still spiraling down.  Controlled Flight Into Terrain to use an aeronautic term.  Have I hit the terrain yet?  Well I am still writing so I have to say "no."  Am I so close that impact is unavoidable?  Well I just don't know the answer to that.  I hope not, so I am still struggling with the controls.  I pray some, but clearly not enough.  There is so much more I should be doing but I just keep Failing.

Waiting to Get Better

 I'm seeing Miss De Havilland again in December.  I worry about how God sees it.  I don't think he is happy.  But then again I was handed over to Satan and this is what he offers in the form of association.  Yes I have to pay for it.  I wonder if the payment includes only platonic engagement?  

Honestly what I am looking forward to is good and interesting conversation over a nice meal.  Followed by a fashion show for some of the silly things I bought for her, then a massage and snuggling with more conversation.

There is so much to do if she does come in December:

1. Fix Car

2. Get the cards for Metro loaded.

3. Make hotel reservations.

Break

Well OK it is about 6 months later and not only have I not seen Miss De Havilland I have also failed to see her again when she came by in March.  I was worried about what the elders would say when I met with them in early April.

But then since I fell off the !Porn wagon 

Break

so I didn't see miss De Havilland in April even though I had paid her for the visit.  I know that scripturally this was the right thing to do since she is "bad association"  however it was really hard for me to accept since I have virtually no other association with anyone else outside of work.  

Later I was chatting on email but this makes me feel guilty because I am still consuming her time.  I suspect that she doesn't really enjoy my email conversations because the responses are always short and are usually just a few sentences.  So I proposed that we do the paid response thing again but this time we pay by the email (and response)  50 USD per email.  Once that was all set up I lost motivation to write her.  I reasoned that it makes no sense to do so because the conversation would be contrived.  If she responded on a topic that doesn't mean she is interested in the topic, it just means she is interested in getting the 50 USD.  Of course that means she is not really my friend, she just responds to what I am saying.

Is that much different than a psychologist?  No, not really except that she has no training in that kind of thing (not that I put much value in psychological training.)  

I really have been trying hard to kick the porn habit but I continue to fail at it.  I am still firmly in the grip of depression so I sit around a lot trying to convince myself to work.  unfortunately sitting around is the worst thing for breaking a porn habit.  There is this process I go through of looking at more and more salacious material until I am on a porn site selecting videos catering to my lascivious fantasies.  

Bad news for going 3 months sober.  So now here i am at the first of May, 2021 saying well, OK reset the target for July 1 to write the reinstatement letter.  My catch phrase is "I can't do it man." because I don't think that I will ever be able to do this.  Of course it is possible with God's help bur I don't follow God's advice consistently enough to get the help I seem to need to twist out of the death spiral.  It isn't his fault, it's mine.  I'm the idiot here.  What a jerk I am.  A fool a piece of refuse, garbage and worthlessness, all minimally adequate sketches of my seedy worthless character.

I don't want to ask for help and then suffer another round of 3 dudes taking pot shots at me by telling me how bad I am.  I mean I am here in a barrel reserved for the poor and spiritually beggarly.  But I'm sure they thought that is what I needed to hear.  I should be thanking them, honestly.  

Suicide is coming up in my thoughts more frequently now.  It just seems so hard to carry on.

This is another one of those times where I wish I could cry because it might be good to have some kind of release, but I can't cry.  I truly don't remember the last time I did.  Crap!  What a chowder head I am.

Rain Clouds

 It has been a little while since the last post.  It's Nov now.  I still hate myself.  COVID has me trapped in my condo for the last several months.  Not good at all.  Depression is a killer now.  No energy, no motivation.  

It's like I want it all to be over but I know that doing myself in is not the solution.  It is nonsensical.  

So I just hurt over and over.  I see my life is a huge failure.  Not a single thing I've done is lasting or enduringly good.  So I've lost motivation to do anything else.  I am just waiting around for death to swallow me up.  And I am quite sure it is on its way.

I do pray.  I do try to read the text and do some bible reading.  But I've been doing that for so long without making the substantive changes needed I have limited hope of success.  Of course if I quit this (and other similar stuff) my chances of success drop to zero.  (Not Good)  So I try (apparently half-heartedly) and continue to fail.  I am praying more, but then how many times have I made that claim.  And look where I am right now.

These days I am really trying to read the text and the Wt. article from which it was taken.  I am not entirely successful especially on the weekends.  I am also trying to add reading a chapter from the bible at the same time.  At some point I want to add in studying the watchtower.  I had this routine several years ago of copying the scriptures into the margin of the watchtower and then highlighting the portion in the paragraph that relates to each scripture and drawing a line to the scripture.  (Actually I may have highlighted the scripture in the same color, it was a while ago so I really don't remember.)  But anyway it would take a few hours to study a single article that way.  yet when I was done, I had a really good understanding of the material and could retain the main points (at least for a few days.)

I'd like to get back to doing that again, but I am not trying to do that right now.  It would just collapse everything I am doing including the text and bible reading.  I have learned I can only do just so much.  If I try to do it all I fail to do anything.

Being df'd is like being under a thunderhead.  It is dark and you may see light off in the distance, what you get in your immediate vicinity is rain and darkness.  It feels similar to when I was in the truth before, I rarely talked with anyone and left right after the meetings.  People didn't talk to me generally speaking.  Now that they are barred from talking to me it is easier for me to accept.  They don't talk because they aren't supposed to.  I think a real moment of truth will come if I ever get reinstated.  Then I will have to deal with people reacting to me again.  I anticipate a few will say "Welcome back brother" and then proceed to ignore me from that point forward.  I guess we'll see.

So I'm 3 weeks sober as respects porn & wank.  I think the depression medication is helping tremendously.  Also reading the text daily seems to be pushing me over the fence.  We'll see how long I can hold out this time.  It has to be for a while since I doubt they will let me back in if I haven't been clean for at least 3 or 4 months.  I plan to ask to get back in in March 2021 so I am barely on track.  "Well I guess we'll see" said the blind man.  Honestly if you can get kicked out for polluting your lungs with tobacco smoke, I don't understand why they let you stay in if you are watching porn.  That doesn't make sense to me but then, I'm df'd.  What do I know?

Hope Burns

Life gets more complicated as you get older.  I hate myself now.  Why?  Well, it's complicated.  The bottom line is bad decisions that have brought bad consequences.

How to you break the cycle and make a hard change like retiring and moving back somewhere. selling everything, buying a camper and living on a camp site somewhere, moving to Mexico with a pocket full of cash, I don't know what. Of course those aren't things I'd likely do.  So I think I have reached the end of all hope.

Of course there is still that grasping at straws level of hope.  That which makes us shout for help long after reasonable hope ends.  I wish I could face death with a calm cool and collected stare, but that's just for movies and books.  My death will mean nothing.  Jesus and countless other good JW's have already proved Satan to be a liar.  My death will be the result of my stupidity, negligence and cowardice.  I wish I could do something to help.  So I give money.  Not much but some.  It's my only contribution.  I know they will make good use of it, if that is God's will.

So today is the big day.  Been waiting for this day for nearly a month.  I'm scheduled to go out with a provider I've been admiring for a couple of months now.  She is tall (176 cm) and slim and I'm guessing pretty as well.  It's a dinner and snuggle meeting.  Of course I still feel bad about it b/c I know God doesn't like it when I do this.  I just get so lonely.  I get lonely and then I get crazy and then I make appointments with cuddlists and/or escort providers.  Certainly my rational mind won't spend several thousand dollars on a few hours of engagement.  That is hard for me to grasp these days.  How did I decide to do this?  Well this is what it is like to serve the god of this world.  How did I get here?

It's 2:00 PM and no contact with Miss De Havilland.  A little surprising but not excessively so.  This event is a super big deal for me, but just another evening for her.  The thing is I have been interacting with her so much I don't think she is at all worried that I might be a no show.

Break

So the meeting went ahead last night.  It was hugely successful in that I got the pleasant conversation and warm connection I sought.  Turns out this woman is basically a genius and works as a computational chemist research assistant for a major and prestigious university in London.  So she is off the charts smart but surprisingly down to earth.  There was almost zero conversation lag.  Constant meaningful exchange for almost 5 hours.  Miss De Havilland is like a fine wine.  Not sweet to the taste but very full bodied and pleasant to engage.  You realize that there is more to the story even after the first bottle is gone. 

It is all just fake though.  Today she is tweeting about a great gift card from another client (I suppose) which apparently puts my little gift to shame.  It is becoming obvious to even my own thick headed self that I want a girlfriend, not an escort.  I wish she would be my girlfriend, and I also hope to find the keys to a Ferrari walking over to my Dr.  Appt.  Fun to think about, but not going to happen.

Break Break .  .  .  Break

So at least 10 weeks since the last entry above.  I made arrangements to see that same provder agan.  I also bought an outfit she was lusting over on Twitter.  With the COVID situation I prepaid and got an extra 2 hours free.  I  booked for 4 hours so next time there will be plenty of time to eat, talk and snuggle.

For some strange reason I have been reading the Text/Wt Article the last few days.  It may stop tomorrow, next week or next month.  Given my history I give 75% chance that it will stop.  Nonetheless I am (currently) praying for continuation of the studying.  I have another 11 months to go before I can consider applying for de-censure.  Of course you aren't totally OK after that.  You have to spend a few months as "Provisionally Acceptable" and if you do enough FS and comment at meetings and all then they give you the "Almost Fully OK" status which means you don't have to identify yourself as a provisional member, but you can interact as though you don't have any issues.  However you can't do anything "Special" for another 5 years.  So minimum 6 years to full recovery, and that is if things go swimmingly all that time.  So you can see why I have so little hope.  It's just not happening.

The End of It All

Here I am at work again about to to into a trans staring into a computer screen until my mind gets  blurry and I go into a waking sleep state. 

With all this talk about COVID-19 I am becoming acutely aware of my habits around touching my face/lips/tongue with my hands multiple times during the day.  I have often made mental notes to stop doing that but this hasn't taken me anywhere in terms of avoiding that bad habit.  I think this may be the time to actually make that adjustment.  Of course, as is typical, I don't know how I'm going to do that. 

I remember on Sunday asking my most excellent cuddle partner about how she overcame a habit she described as unhealthy.  After many leading questions it seems like she was inspired to read a book that really helped her to view life more positively.  I see that as a possible lesson that I need to  apply in my life.  I have a book to read as well, the Bible.  I haven't made much progress lately.  I did read a chapter in my spiritual easy book last night on the train ride home.  Ooooohhh, aaaaahhh, Mr Spiritual cries the crowd.  Suddenly forgetting the Gross Sins of the most recent weekend.  "Snap!" a shot rings out the accuracy of which instantly leaves your writer dead while standing, The only remaining body motion is the crumpling to the floor which is handled entirely by the force of gravity and the physical limitations of flexing limbs yet attached to muscles limp with indirection from the now shredded,  pulverized  and hence no longer functioning amygdala. 

Co-workers cower in fear as the assassin escapes.  Only after sufficient time has gone by to ensure reasonable safety.  By such time your writer's head is haloed with a mildly significant but no longer expanding pool of congealing blood mixed with bits of grey matter and other body fluids liberated as the rifle bullet tore through the necessary cranial mass and surrounding tissue.  And so it ends.  Finally this stinking fetid life has come to an end.  God will continue with His plans for the ending of this system of things and the start of the next.  It would be days before anyone is aware of the death of this writer.  And even then there is the obligatory concern, statements of sorrow to the one or two people who loved, at least at some point in time, the man, the coward, the evil doer. 

God's plans for his new system continue no longer encumbered by this piece of business, the permanent elimination of a discovered hypocrite.  More work is yet, but that is beyond the writer's concern.  For in that moment, his thoughts, hopes, dreams for himself and his family including his progeny have all and forevermore perished. 

But in actual fact that didn't happen.  No assassin is interested in the writer.  He doesn't rate that level of attention.

Its Bad

I'm really having a hard time recently realizing that my life has been such a complete and total failure.  Of course the only thing that means anything is spirituality and I am running negative in that category.  Professionally people look at me and laugh.  I look at myself and cry.  It's not a new realization.  I think it was somewhere around 10 - 15 years ago I recognized that my life was for sh*t.  I suppose as the reminders of my sh*tfull state keep rolling in fast and hard that I find my go-juice levels dangerously low, like now.

My current favorite cuddler should be back in town today.  I have an appointment for an overnight with her tomorrow night.  She hasn't confirmed though so I don't really know if that is going to happen.  I think it will, but who knows really?  Kids these days will cancel at the drop of a hat, and they do so by ghosting so you are never really sure if they will be there until they show up .

I keep contacting providers.  One of these is going to be a hit and I'll be committed to doing something that God hates.  I am just so lonely.  I feel so low all the time.  The drugs don't work anymore.  I'm not sure they ever really did work as I really wanted them to.  My continued isolation is making me more nervous around other people.  I really hate myself these days.

So I made arrangements with a provider for this afternoon.  I have done done it!  A sad day for me.

Break,

So based on my dive toward poverty I should be feeling pretty good now.  I met with a traditional provider on Friday and had my overnight cuddle session on Saturday to Sunday AM.  One would think that I am a happy man.  But no.  I am wracked with guilt and a fair bit of shame as well.  While it feels "good" (in a sense) that the ongoing pressure for trim has subsided, the now present guilt and shame is pretty uncomfortable.  My session with my favorite cuddler was every bit as successful and nice as I had hoped.  She was pleasant, easy to talk to and somewhat open in talking about her experience.  However it was just a business transaction.  There was a decided lack of interest and excitement in her seeing me.  Her only really sincere question was whether she could see me again in the next 3 weeks she was in town.

Of course I will.  But that will probably be the last time.  She will be out of town for the next year or so, going here and there to either facilitate, assist or take part in as a student various seminars and training classes on massage therapy and some kind of touch healing.  By that I don't mean some supernatural power, (not so far as I know anyway) but more along the lines of emotional soothing and calming to facilitate the recipient's ability to deal with emotions and past trauma.  I'm not into all that but the woman is a great cuddler.  She enjoys the touch and gives back eagerly.  There is no love there but the affection seems real.

This coming Thursday Olivia is in town.  I'm scheduled to do a dinner/cuddling session with her.  Its still a grand just for her fee.  add in Dinner and the hotel and we are looking at a 1500 evening.  Oh and no, she isn't going to fall in love with me either.  Now if I could just make myself believe that I might actually call off this nonsense.  In all seriousness I feel a backlash internally welling up as I contemplate the amount of cash expended on my stupidity in this regard.  It is truly staggering.  And all of it is of no lasting benefit.  AAMOF it only goes to accelerate my demise.  Back in the day I lamented the one or two hundred dollars I must have spent on skin mags (as they were called then.)  Oh how little I knew of my future profligancy.  My stupidity sickens me.  Even as I contemplate this issue I realize that my focus is on the wasted money, not the wasted innocence.  Even the extent to which I continue to anger God and test his patience.  I am just so very stupid, grossly so.

So it is meeting day.  I see that the congregation whose meetings I had been attending are now going to meetings at a new location which is more convenient for me.  I hope I choose to take advantage of it but I honestly don't think I will.  I just haven't been praying for the strength to do so.  And even when I do pray, I usually don't go.

This is really bad.

Snoozer Post

Well hello everyone.  I hope we all  had a nice weekend.  Mine was crap as usual.  Actually even more crappy than what had become usual of late.  More nrop and the natural activity that follows.  I hadn't done that in months and now I did it twice this weekend.

The only good thing is that now I'm not jonesing for provider poon any more.  I rode in on the train and read the text and the Society's Comments and the related Wt. article all before reaching Ballston station.  It's hard to call that a silver lining.  Somehow that phrase still doesn't fit.

So I only have two appointments set up.  1 with a real provider for dinner and cuddling for a grand.  Another for an overnight cuddle session for .6K.  Add dinner and a hotel and that comes to a cool 2G.  The fun starts this weekend when my favorite snuggle buddy is back in town.  I actually started cleaning the place up in preparation for the event.

One of my robovacs isn't working anymore.  I am going to toss it.  I'm tired of messing with it.  I already bought another one.

Break

Significant excrapadatiatory event yesterday afternoon.  I ate that really good food from 2 Half Foods on Monday.  It was a full 10 USD worth.  Man it was good.  Then I went to the grocery store and bought pepperoni and Triscet Crackers and ate 8 servings consisting of a cracker, 2 slices of pepperoni and a small block of Havarti cheese.  Really good but man I was pushing the envelope there.  I will pay for that mistake.

This morning is pretty uneventful.  I finished my Performance Review feedback yesterday, so that's done.  I came up with a better way to record weekly events to make doing the next review even easier.  I just hate doing that stuff but having the work from last year where I weekly recorded any significant positive events was super helpful in making it easier to fill out.  It only took a bout 3 hours for me to get it done.

I am losing the fight to control my weight these days.  I just can't seem to stop myself from excessive eating.  I have stopped losing weight and have started to gain again.  So of course, I hate myself even more now.  I wonder if self hate is really cumulative.  It seems like I keep finding reasons to hate myself more and more but it hasn't yet resulted in suicidal action.  Yea I think about it often but not all the time.  I have elected to purchase neither a firearm nor tanks of helium.  I guess there is a steady though undersized relief valve in my mind known as time.  I guess it works that way for most people.

I just picked up 12 USD worth of lunch from 2 half foods buffet.  I'm not that hungry.  I need to begin to exercise more restraint.  I decided to scoop up only about half of into a separate bowl for lunch today and save the rest for later (like tomorrow, not for dinner, or worse still, a mid-afternoon "snack" which in all rights would be a meal.

My new boss totally caved in a fight with operations and contracts over a project to compensate for the deprecation of functionality in a base platform used for development of the application.

Break,

So I ended up having to do my own performance review write up yesterday.  It took a couple of hours to write and then another to proofread.  Nice opportunity though.  I'm glad it worked out that way.

I really need to leave early today.  I'm finding that working late is such a drag on my psyche.  I hope to get out not later than 3:30.   I have a lot of house work to do to get ready for my house guest this weekend.  Mostly cleaning and straightening, some laundry and oh, yea -- I have to make the  bed.

I decided to go ahead and work until 6:00 pm today.  I did take off at 4:30 on Monday and I will need to leave early (3:30 SHARP) on Friday to p/u my shirts and the pillow shams I also had cleaned.  I am holding to the pattern of announcing my absence whenever I am out during business hours in a last ditch effort to maintain some semblance of respect for my employer and of the need to put in a full day's work. 

Break

So my libido is in high gear and I am practically foaming at the mouth for trim these days.  I'm finding that a lot of providers are aa averse.  I'm going to stop talking about that when talking to basic level providers.  (Read Fee of 500 cents or less.)  I haven't ever been rejected on sight.  But it is clearly becoming an issue if I bring it up before the meeting.  I should keep it in mind and continue to use it as a way to push off a meeting I don't want.  I'm starting to wonder if I don't make these requests just as a way to interact with someone.  Just to text them back and forth and add some excitement to an otherwise dull day. As thoughtful readers may remember, I have on multiple occasions set up arrangements and then regret it later and find myself more unhappy after things are set up.  That could be why I suppose.  It seems as though there should be someone that is willing to talk with me, or that I can pay to talk with me, that doesn't include activities God condemns.  Well that's what cuddlists are, but they are few and far between.  They are also prone to take long vacations. 

I can't believe how horny I am right now.  I forgot what this felt like.  Must keep kerchief at the ready to keep my co-workers from thinking I have rabies (oblique reference to foaming at the mouth for those of you readers who, like me, are a bit slow on the  uptake.)