Going Under (Reprise)

2019 01 09  Yep later the same day as the end of the last post.  Not sure why I all of a sudden have an interest in airing my dirty laundry for the world to critique.   Maybe because I sense God's spirit in helping me to do his will.  My last several attempts to engage an escort have failed.  Once or twice that is not a particularly unusual event but three times in a row and all of a sudden I am sitting up and taking notice.

So what am I doing differently, actually it's hard to say because I have just once again started going to meetings (only the last two weeks.)  I have been reading the bible regularly since early October.  That may be the thing.  Actually that is when all of a sudden I couldn't schedule escorts.  So maybe there is a connection.

I read the text and a Wt article on the train to work.  I read the bible at lunch and track progress on a spreadsheet.  I then read a chapter on some book, (I'm in "Keep yourselves in God's Love" now) on the way home.  I have also started more studiously avoiding the really bad Netflix movies and shows.  Of course now that I am bragging, something will go wrong.  It always does.  I can't seem to break that cycle.  I suppose that is why I am not too hopeful that this will work out.  I think it will end up being just a temporary reprieve in my continual downward spiral into hell.

Open the gates, here I come!  Woops little deviation there, worry not I'll be back this way again before long.  I wish that were not the case but I don't seem to know how to get out of this loop.

2019 01 10

Another day another post.  Suicide thoughts are coming more frequently now.  I just don't see how I can continue moving forward.  It is getting harder and harder to do any work.  I stare at the screen and look at my to-do list.  But finding the motivation to get started on any particular item is just getting so much harder.  I have to resort to listening to metal music.  That seems to pacify the rage in my mind so the rest of my brain can focus on moving forward.   Every step to do anything is like wading through thick syrup.  The failures will mount and it is just a matter of time before more critical and important things start dropping.  Self loathing is continuing.  I pray a bit but I don't perceive the amount of assistance I think I need.  I should do it more.  Certainly I could; maybe this is a clue.  I so entirely hate my current situation.  But I feel locked in, like I can't move forward even though logically I can think of several things I could start doing differently.

I just feel so useless and bad here at work.  It is like everyone knows what  bum I am and they don't want to talk to me.  Like the pre-termination revulsion playing out again.  People don't want to be around a sinking ship when it finally goes under.  People are borderline rude. I can't shake this feeling.  It is so pervasive.  I wish there was some way to escape.  It is like I ache all over.

How can I get the help I need to fix this?  God only knows.

Failure

Yes it has been a while.  I continue to see Escorts.  I am more often than not having sex with them, although, for the record, I do not purchase sexual services.

I met a new escort last night.  She is a very tall blonde, very fit and big boned.  She is hugely intelligent.  I think she figured me out pretty early on and I think she was tired of me by the end of dinner.  She didn't show any irritation though. She was professional to the end.

Of course I still shouldn't have gone through with it.  Another grand down the tubes.  Being so smart I immediately was captivated by the conversation.  It was apparent early on that the intelligence quotient made the table pretty lop-sided and before long the food was sliding off the table in her direction.  (Not literally of course.)  I did my usual thing of writing too many times after it was over.  Sealing the lack of interest and sowing the seeds of distain in her mind.  I am such a fool.

I continue to wreck my mentality at work as I am so totally out-classed by the people around me.  We had a team building event and again I made a fool of myself not being able to think of any unique fun activities I have ever done.  I had to admit during dinner that I want to be a JW, but that I haven't figured out how to stop f*cking long enough to do so.  BTW long enough is like a year or more so it's no small thing.  Well really it is forever (basically)  but that's how long it takes to get back in.

I quit going to meetings.  I am at that point again where I just can't find the motivation to go, even when there is no other excuse not to do so.

The medication front is looking better.  the only down side is that it is super expensive.  This is the first medication that really seems to do something.  I sleep well now.  That's a first for a really long time.  I dream and not all my dreams are bad.  It is really quite a remarkable change.  You would think I'd want to start going to meetings again.

Fast forward a couple of months and the new year is here.  It's Jan 9, 2019 now.

I spent my 10 glorious days off watching TV and lying on the couch.  It was a huge waste.  I feel mentally drained and exhausted, but even with all that time off I couldn't get anything done around the house.

I continue to embarrass myself here at work.  The people around me are so smart and I am so incapable by comparison.  The meds I am on must be pretty good b/c I am not constantly thinking of suicide, though the thought comes to mind more frequently than at other times.

I read an article on grief in one of the public magazines.  I am convinced that I am grieving my life for the past 10 - 12years or so.  About the time I stopped being able to do anything home based.

I have gone to the last 4 meetings in a row.  Started going to the Sterling hall.  Some Elder wanted my contact info.  Surprising since I haven't been attending there for long at all.  I wonder what's going on with them.  Why would they be any more on-the-ball than any other congregation I have attended in the last 25 years.  Its kind of weird but I won't be eligible for reinstatement for another 9 months or so.  Consequently it doesn't matter all that much.

I truly hate what I have grown up to become.  I am hugely embarrassed for who and what I have become.  I want to lay down and give up.  I am such a loser.  It is oppressive.  I can just feel my stupidity and bad decisions weighing on me like a heavy blanket.  I can hardly move.  The only thing that can help me now is God, and I keep doing things that make him angry.  It's good that I don't own a gun.

The Broad and Spacious Path

So I'm really trying to do it this time.  Trying to be a real JW.  I've started attending meetings pretty regularly.  Haven't missed one since first week in Jan.  I'm getting text, bbl rdg and prayer going daily.  I think the latter will make
the biggest difference.  Communicating with my son on that daily so that helps a lot.

I still have the porn habit hanging out there and it was a scant 3 weeks ago that I used a rent-a-date.  Oh and then there's the "Let him who thinks he is standing .  .  . " scripture.  So I'll never be confident that the worst is over until I reach perfection.  The penalty for failure is just so high.

Honestly not having another grown-up to talk to is the biggest issue.  Maybe that's not it at all.  Many of the rental dates lately have been rather young, like in the mid 20's.  That's hardly a grown-up.  Of course the other issue comes down to cost.  These rental dates are just not cheap at all.  Sheesh!  Now that's a big help in keeping me on the straight and narrow.  Also with the raiding of some of the business which may have provided useful advertising, that further reduces the probability of failure.  Only marginally though.

I am just a hair's breadth away from ruin though.  Taxes, work pressure, mental stability.  All these are issues that I cannot seem to overcome.  Maybe through prayer, but for now I need to focus on spiritual progress.  I'm not going to survive if I don't.  And all the progress I seem to have made this year will be lost again if I lose focus.  I feel like a recovering alcoholic

Another couple of weeks has past and I did it with an escort, again.  i enjoyed the companionship but the good part wasn't that good.  We went to dinner which worked out really well.  Good conversation and stuff.  We came over afterward and chilled for a while but then decided to move forward near the end.  She was satisfied but I wasn't.  And she was physically irritated.  I felt bad for that and she did as well.

So now I am feeling like I am just done with everything.  All personnel rentals both expensive, very expensive and cheap cuddling is over and done with.  We'll see how long this attitude lasts but I have the sense that this is really the end of all that.  I just can't continue anymore.

Of course that leaves me looking for reinstatement in June 2019.  Not great, but oh well. All my fault.  No one I can reasonably blame but me.  ** Big Sigh **. I am so effing stupid.  I can feel the deep depression coming on.  Nothing is fun.  I have nothing to look forward to.  Just pain.  I have recently been feeling my failures and the pain related thereto very acutely.  It isn't a physical pain but damn, it hurts.  It is so much more serious than a broken leg.

I feel like sleeping all the time now.  I sleep when I go home as soon as I can.  I don't want to wake up and I feel sleepy as soon as I get settled into my office chair.  I find my work boring and want to stop and do something different constantly.  Life is difficult now.  That's part of the challenge.  Failure Spiritually, failure in family, failure at work and failure in relationships.  Nothing that I really look forward to.  No vacation, no assembly, no visits, no sports events, no social events, not even dates with providers like I used to look forward to them.  Now it is just blah.  I mean it is fun, but then again, it really isn't.  God was right all along.  I never should have gone down this road.

Now though, here the frack I am.  Flopping around my life in the throws of death, begging God for help and doing precious little to help myself.  How pathetic.  And I remember when I got out of school, I thought I was some hot sh*t.  How little I knew then.  How worthless I am now.

Got Wild

So I did the escort thing earlier this week.  And no, I didn't stop at just talking.  I got to the room, dropped greeting card and just started undressing like it was perfectly normal.  It was a really supurb session.  (However no money was exchanged for illegal services.)

Now I just feel so very bad.  I went to the meeting.  I thought about my daliance in middle thereof.  I keep thinking about how much longer  I will have to be out before I can get back in now.  My son will be so disappointed in me when he finds out.  I have to work harder to love what is good and hate what is bad.

I really need to focus on filling my time with specific activities so I don't have long stretches of free time, which is when I get into trouble.

I really want to make it this time.  Of course I would have said the same thing all the other times so I have no idea if I am really improving.  There is no "spirituality" scale for df'd people.  I guess there is no such thing for anyone but certain metrics do tell a tale as long as the motivation for the measured activities is reasonably pure.  I am afraid to look actually.  It seems like once I start measuring my progress, I find something to trip over.

I used to dream of immoral things when I was much younger.  I never really broke myself of the habit.  Now the chickens continue to flock homeward and are roosting in every conceivable nook of my being.  Were it not for the fact that with God all things are possible, I'd just throw in the towel. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me doing these bad things is cost.  So I don't really think I am any better than I was.  That is what makes this whole effort so pointless.

I know that I am trying.  I really did.  I still am.  I am not successful which means that I am not getting the help I need.  That has to be my fault.  B/c if one asks God for help in sincerity he will respond with what we need, and apparently at least a little more as well.

D*mn, someone shoot me in the head and get this over with.  No, not really.  I still think I might be able to help my son.   The test is still going on.  I don't want to just quit.  IHMs so very much right now.

A week later now.  Time goes on.  I still regret my decision to do the deed.  I realize now that they probebly won't let me back in until spring 2019.  A year after I did it last.  Oh well.  D*mn.  I F*cked up again.  And now that I know the issue is still inside me, I know there is a good chance I'll completely fall off the wagon and do it again several more times before getting back under control, if that ecer happens.  Honestly I think Armagedon will come first.  I have very little confidence that I can meet God's standards to be able to get his help.  I am just too broken.

Dull Thud of the Boot

So I have been booted out.  Its been announded for a month now.  The immediate pain has begun to subside, but it still hurts pretty bad.  I still dream about wierd things that I believe are related to my excommunication.  I've told a few people now (the rare bird who tries to talk to me) that I'm disfellowshipped.

I am surprised that the "wild" response hasn't kicked in.  You know, like, no point in holding back now, I can spread my wild oats with abandon 'cause what else can they do to me.  I really figured that I'd respond this way, but it's just not happening.  The same pressure to see escorts is there.  But for the same old reason lonliness.  I'm spending time with my kid regularly.  It is cool to hang out with him.  We go to the meetings all the time now and even get together to study.  We've done this twice now.  I hope it keeps up.

Memorial is today.  Don't know what it will be like but I'm sure much like the rest of my life recently.  People have been treating me like I am disfellowshipped for several years now.  It is just that now it is offiial.  And on that rare situation when someone tries to engage me in conversation, I can just stop them in their tracks.  I was surprised at how one woman reacted.  She seemed like a really nice person when she tried to talk to me.  As soon as I said I'm disfellowshipped her whole demeanor changed from outreach to shame for herself.  It is like she was never really interested in me anyway.  She suddenly looked away, trying to see if anyone else saw her talking to a disfellowshipped person.  Interesting, and disappointing.  I suppose God is the one who is rightfully disappointed in me.  After all I am the one who put myself in this situation.

For cryin' out loud.  I hate myself.  IHMs, IHMs ISFHMs!

Fortunately God doesn't hate me.  Of course he hates the things that I do and the things I have done.  But as far as I can tell the way is still open to my return.  I don't know how much longer, but I hope ift is long enough for me to be able to make it back before it is too late.

Boot Print on My Butt

I have been dismissed!  I am no longer a member if my religion.  My new status is jwdf.  Of course that's stale news for me.  I knew I wasn't doing right for many months now.  It is just that it is official now.

I don't know what to do now.  I can't have the association that I figured I would have to have to get better.  I really hate this, but I know that I deserve it.

I am sitting around nit picking the dismissal process.  Thinking about the things that could have, or shouldn't have been said.  But the bototm line is that I am out now and it is a long process to get back.

You have to:

1.  Wait several months to more than a year.
2. Write a letter requesting reinstatement
3. Get a hearing,

Iterate items 2 & 3 until they let you back in

4. Get reinstated
5. Study with someone ? months
6. Get approval to answer at meetings
7.  Get approval to pray at meetings
8.  Wait 5 years until after reinstatement.

Then the black marks come off the written records.  *'ll be 65 years old minimum by then.

This makes you want to do yourself in.  It is strange that I haven't considered that more deeply.

Oddly enough I think God is helping me.  I haven't stopped watching porn so logically I think I am just imagining things.  But I haven't missed any meetings lately and that is truly freaking amazing.  That tells me that I am not imagining things.  But still I wonder why he is helping me if I haven't fixed myself.

I still look for "company" on line but the fact that I haven't found a date may be more that I am old fat and black.  However it could be God helping me avoid what I clearly should not be doing.   Honestly I hope that is the case.

In the mean time I can't work right.  I just can't focus my attention well enough and long enough.  I have a couple of days of Vacation coming up but I don't know what to do with them.

I sleep too much.  I get tired easily.  I have no motivation.  I am really sinking.  Oh d*mn. What will I don now.  And in spite of the logical knowledge to the contrary.  It really seems like no one cares.

Pre-Boot (Boot-out not Boot-up)

The process begins.

So I had the first meeting.  Only one guy was there which was a little disappointing since I was clear that this was a big deal.  They start out with the "How's it goin'" opening and I replied "Not good, that's why you are here."  Anyway they start with all this about we want to help you, which is now falling on rather jaundiced ears (to mix a metaphor.)

Well the bible says that God scurges thosw he loves, so I am psyching myself up to be scourged.  There is no way out.  I am just not in a hurry to get this done.  So after I tell him about the transgression, he calls another deacon and I have to tell him over the phone the nasty details.  Now they both say they want to help but there is no alternative.  I wish I could get it over with but on the other hand I want to push it off as long as possible.  It is like getting ready for a painful workout.  You want to get it over with, but you don't want to get started b/c it is so unpleasant.

So apart from the escort issues there is additional sins I must confess.  Spending the night with a woman.  Now, nothing happened mind you but the last time I transgressed, they told me that sleeping with a woman is considered a "serious sin".  Yea I agree it is a bad idea but I didn't see how they got to the serious sin part scripturally.  They didn't elaborate and I didn't believe their assessment.  Well spring forward many months and when the opportunity came along to do that again there wasn't enough resistance to the idea to keep me from doing it.

I am sure they still believe that this is a "serious sin" so that is just a few more screws (not nails) in my coffin.  I'm done for.

Its Thursday and still no work from the deacons regarding my dismissal hearing (ambiguously referred to as a: committee meeting.)  I'm not planning to remind them that it isn't set up yet.  I want to stretch it out since that lets more time go by since the last time I seriously sinned.  I know they are going to ask.  I'd rather say, yea the last time was 2 months ago, rather than 2 weeks ago.  No, they aren't going to wait 6 weeks to hold the meeting but it has already been almost 7 weeks and if I can strech it out to 10 weeks it will sound less bad.  Such are the ravings of a lunatic.  Arguing for leniency where there is no basis.  I really think I need to be kicked out.  Maybe it will knock some sense into me.  Of course maybe it will make me behave worse now that I am out of the organization officially.

There is no way I am going to survive other than through God's grace.  I really hate myself.

It's Friday and the dismissal hearing is not set.  This is good since the the hearing will probably be on the weekend of Jan 27th.  A good 8 weeks after the last "serious sin" incident.  A pointless exercise in grasping at straws though.  Once it happens that puts the approximatre boot call-out date at the Feb 8.  Always on the date of the first mid week meeting after the 7 day "appeal" period following the decision date.  What's a "boot call-out"?  That's when one of the deacons gets up in front of the congregation and says Neilsonne is not a christian anymore.  Public shaming followed by group shunning.  Oh well, I did the deed, I knew the rules and I have to suffer.  Again, not looking forward to it.  Its just what it is.

I did hear from my son yesterday that he will be in town this saturday.  So we can go to the meeting together.  It will be the 3rd time in a row.  I'm currently 3-3 (<attended> - <missed>) for meetings this year.  Looking forward to getting above 500 if I can make it with the kid tomorrow.  It all just seems so hopeless.  I mean a start is a start.  You have to start to get to where I need to be but when I think of the mountain i have to climb, especially comming out of the hole of excommunication, yea, it seems so hopeless.

*Sigh*😔