Showtime!

And so here I am again; "its showtime!"  This is the moment where I wrap myself in a persona of confidence and purpose.  Like doing this crap is of any importance in the grand scheme of things.  Yes, it's better than robbing banks for a living, but if I don't get my life in gear, I'll be just as dead as the bank robbers after armageddon.  We both have a sword of Damocles above our heads and while they differ in weight and hone, they both will kill.

These days I just want to get it over with.  I have been picked up and am on my way down again.  I don't even brace for impact anymore.  It all hurts just the same.  No point in protecting the vital organs, it's just a matter of time before everything is ruined beyond repair.  What an ending I have allowed myself to suffer.  If only I had  .  .  .

Maybe I could just .  .  . who the hell am I trying to kid.  Falling through 3000 feet, it won't be long now.

His Universe His Rules

So what do you do when you are buried so deep that the only sound is each new shovel full of crap hitting the pile.  I want to turn to God but I am so embarrassed I can't look up.  Not having the benefit of all that he would provide.  And, if Jesus, a perfect man spoke to him constantly, how much more so does this miserable sinner need  help, but I still ain't askin'.

I see the mistakes, current and past.  Yet when the next choice comes forward, I miss.  Again and again I miss.  I am falling deeper into my own grave.  Deeper from the level that brought on severe depression.  I don't see how to get out of this, not in a productive way.

It is like all the resistance is being steadily worn, blown, eroded, exploded away.  My resistance is down and just the raw nerves are exposed.  My mind is crying out to just stop the pain.  There is only one way that seems to be like something that I could do and follow through on.  I know the other way is possible but I have clearly demonstrated to myself and others that this is not something that I am willing to do.  Turning to God is possible until he makes it impossible.  He is approachable and hears prayers of the righteous.  However I am not righteous.  I am his enemy.  I hate that I have been unsuccessful in turning this around.

Why does He demand this humiliation.  I don't know but He gets to do that.  It's His universe and His rules apply, that is if we are going to stay alive.  Why would I be willing to take something of His.  People often claim "It's my life"  but in my case it isn't.  I dedicated my life to God.  I haven't followed through on this commitment.  Never in my life for more than a few months at a time.  I just can't get it together.  I hate what this has turned me into.  I know a very little something about God.  He doesn't tolerate partial devotion.  As far as I can determine, I am a dead man walking in his eyes.

What's Left?

Another bad weekend.  On a positive note I got the laundry done and straightened up a bit.  I even did a small amount of cleaning not that anyone would notice except in before and after photographs.

I stopped multiple times to look at nrop; this and eating are the only fun things left to do.  It's so pathetic.  So I heave a big sigh and continue doing the things (and failing to do the good things) that result in this mess of a life I now lead.

I am deeply ashamed of myself.  I hate what happened and the fact that I am not fixing it.  In fact I am still headed for Tarshish having been swallowed and spit out at least once.  I cannot abide my disgust for what I have grown up to be.  I am afraid to seek the truth from God and I am addicted to the trappings of Satan's world, those few I have been able to taste.

Sweetness of intensity such that one could imagine is too intense to survive and followed by deathly sickness that cannot be survived.  Instant addiction that will swallow years if not all of your life.  This is the "benefits" Satan's world brings.  And here I am, fully warned, and fully addicted.  Covered in refuse and lit aflame.  I want to point the phaser at myself, I don't have the strength to continue to withstand the pain.  Alone and ashamed

Well let me turn my attention to work.  Maybe I can forget about this for a while.  There is just nothing left, is there?

Inside Out

Wow, I'm slipping precipitously now.  That call from the Cheese may have sparked something.  Maybe it is the only chance I have got to keep me from hitting the bottom hard.

I can see myself falling into despair.  I want to be brave and stoic - holding myself up so that I die in one last act of defiance against my captor and ruler, but that is crumbling now.  I guess it has been crumbling for a long time and now I see yet another manifestation of the rottenness within making its way to the surface.

I guess I have pretty much decided that this will end badly.  I need to gather the materials. I'll grab my hoodie and head over to Party City.

The Cheese Is Coming to Town

So my  Disciplinary Board Chairman called yesterday.  If the pattern is the same, this means the circuit manager will be in town shortly and he wants to be able to tell him: "we tried, he just won't do anything."  It is games like this lead me to believe that there is no real concern about me; juvenile though it sounds, it hurts my feelings.  They are more focused on crossing their "i's" and dotting their "t's".  Even if that isn't true, it just hasn't helped.

I get all hopeful that this time will be different, and it isn't time after time.  So will I keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome?  If not how else do create a velocity vector (in the correct direction?)  I hate myself.  There seems to be no way out of this.

Certainly almighty God can figure it out.  But I've all but stopped talking to him.  I am ashamed of who I am and the decisions I have made, and those I continue to make.  So I feel I can't raise my eyes to him.  It seems like I am just not JW material.  But in my heart of hearts I know that it is because of defects in that heart (figuratively speaking of course.)  It has to be my fault or God would not let me fall to my death.  And the ground is coming up pretty fast.  Sometimes I wish I could speed it up.  I don't have the courage for that, so I just close my eyes like a little girl.  No wonder no one likes me.  God, I have truly come to hate myself.

Signs Are Here Again

So here we are:  I have been listening to Goth all morning.  It has been a rater productive morning as the Goth seems to engage the screwed up part of my brain allowing the resto to focus on the work I really need to do.

I know it is a negative overall thing.  Certainly the tenor of the emails I have been sending is malafected.  I won't even see it until I get the blow-back from the recipients; either immediately if the content is  patently offensive or other.  Most likely a form I won't understand will appear because these emails cause a circumvolution about a slight which turns to a tempest.  All this to say here I go again.  How can I fix this?  The answer is always the same: study, meetings, prayer and service.  And then the question is always the same:  How am I going to make myself do that?

And I remain so totally damned.

I Need to Get Organized!

OK, its getting bad again.  I can't focus.  I can't accomplish anything.  I need to put my head down and focus.  I just need to get things done.

But what, there are so many things and I can't do them all

Let me just get organized, then I'll know what to do.

Argh! it is going to take me 45 days of hard work just to get organized!

OK so, I need a project plan to get organized to get on the long road to organization.

Wow, that's expensive software, as I recall.  I'll have to travel to my other place to get it.  Maybe I can find it on-line.  That will take some time to research, I'll add it to my list.

Yikes, My list is 200 items long! I'll never get this done.  I need to get organized!

And the downward spiral has started.