I'm Going Under (There ought to . . . you know, Amy already . . )

So, No one is reading my blog.  That's fine, I am writing this for myself first and foremost.  Honestly I wish I hadn't made it public.  Oh Well.  So 15 days have passed since the last blog post.   2 more broken weekends with too much to eat and not enough sleep.  Oh, and I broke my vow against tb until 2020.  I guess that had to happen.

I keep thinking about how to get out of this mess.that I am in.  I keep thinking that the Elders should be able to help, but they don't know how to motivate me to study.  OTFW.   Not to say I am finished with the topic,  I will keep right on thinking about it and waiting for the opportunity to discuss the issue with someone who will listen and who is willing to help and knows how to help me.  I shouldn't have to wait though.  God has given me everything I need to manage.  I have the meetings, endless publications, a new easy to read bible.  I just despirately dislike the company of his servants.  I guess that goes to show that I am not his servant (as If I didn't know that already.

8:00 am need to work  .  .  .

Lunch time on the same day now.  I haven't had a chance to think this over anymore.  But what is there to think about?  I don't do what God wants me to do.  I know what he wants and refuse to do it.  I hate myself for it.  The trouble is that God also hates the bad things I do.  He also hates the fact that I know better and refuse to budge.

As I think about it I never feel like I am worth anything if I am not working but purely having fun, I reel really small.  Maybe that's why I work so much.  I remember at college, the 2 times I felt like I was successful in chatting up a girl was when I was pouring drinks at a party, and when I was working in the library.  In both cases I was like a completely different person.  Interested, lively, a little bit of intelligence showing through.  And the girls had a good time.  One even reached out a bit, but I didn't recognize what it was and so I lost the opportunity.  Now I know that it is a good thing that I did.  At the time I just didn't know what was going on.

What this all boils down to is can I turn myself around and start reading the bible and being a good person in God's judgment?  I say it is possible, yes.  It just isn't probable based on my lifetime of choices.  Now that I have the benefit of experience, one would think that I could leverage that to make better decisions.  Hmm, that actually sounds logical.  Maybe there is more hope than I thought.  Glad I thought of that!  Or was that God intervening?  I'll probably never know.  Especially if I am ultimately unsuccessful.

So, now, how can I use this information to be able to chat up women better in the future.  I have no fracking idea.  It is just good to know in case the situation presents itself.

More Misery

And here (the frack,) we go again.  Thursday morning and I already feel like sh*t.  Way, way the hell too much to do.  I need to work for 24 hours straight to begin to pull my head out of the backlog I am in.  Then I would need to get about 12 hours of sleep and do it again to get my head above water.

Friday morning and I didn't work out again.  My belly is big and tight.  I ate to much (as usual.)  I do have good food for lunch, strawberries, oatmeal and nuts.  (Not like "this is nuts,"  more like "cashews are my favorite nut."  I am really tired, as usual.  I listened to the bitch drone on about the upcoming convention.  One would think she is putting everything together herself the way she talks about it.  Actually, never-mind.  If that's how she sees herself, it is better than where she was just a few short years ago.

I am less and less inclined to spend time with her.

And on Monday I saw yet another broken weekend in my rear view mirror.  Now its Tuesday.  Meeting night.  Oh d*mn the war (of Armageddon) is coming (there ought to be a .  .  .  Within Temptation already .  .  .)  I'll be a casualty if I'm not dead before it starts.  I want to say I can't live like this, but that is all I have ever done isn't it.  I've stumbled from crisis to crisis, flame-out to flame-out.  I have never had a stable and consistent situation.  I was either in school and struggling to learn fast enough, or working a new job and struggeling to get along, or bought a new house, or just got married, or just had a kid (along with a new job and new region) or just moved (again and again and again) or just lost my job, or just started a new career, or just got involved with a start-up company, or just got a new job, again, and again, and again, or dealt with a health crisis or just got divorced, or just kicked my kid out, or just got fired, or just almost got fired, or on and on and fracking (for you Battlestar Galactica fans) on.  Always in flux, never steady state.  Now there is a new boss coming and a different management style.  I am sure that will be yet another challenge.  It is just getting so very tedious to keep moving forward.  I really, really hate this.

So my son, who is now getting way back into the religion, came by to see me last night.  I had just missed my 5th meeting in a row and he wanted to try to help me get my act together.  I agreed to have lunch with him today, b/c I could only talk a few seconds  last night.  It really comes down to the fact that going to the meetings is painful and I can bear that pain only so long.  He counters that I ought to pray more and ask for help to want to do the right thing.  He prays for "a new heart," and it makes him quite happy,.  So bottom line is that he thinks I should lean on God more.

What Ending for the Wicked (Like Me)

A fresh page.  I suppose it could be intimidating if I were writing for real.  I see the TV images of real writers focused on a blank page.  It used to be a literal blank sheet of paper in a typewriter.  Now it is a blank page on a computer screen most often (as it is here.)  I am listening to one of my favorite musical artists, Epica.  The lead singer is so very versatile (and gorgeous.)  Her classically trained voice stirs my soul such that I can lose myself in the music.  I could close my eyes and just listen to song after song.

I am listening to it now because this genre helps me to work when my energy is at a low ebb.  Somehow listening increases my drive and determination (at least for a little while.)  I am afraid of relying on it too much, but I love the feeling with which I am imbued as I absorb the sound, mood and emotions of this artist's performance.

So that isn't what I logged on to talk about.  It does help me start to fill the page, though.  I'm not so intimidated anymore.  On the other hand this is probably just as, if not more, interesting than what is really eating at me.  I'm just in despair again.  Not doing anything and thoroughly acknowledging that I will die as a result of my inaction.  Mental confusion over why I have wound up like this, and despair at being unable (seemingly but not actually) to do anything about it.  I know that God wouldn't leave me here if I really wanted to change, so I know that I don't really want to serve God.  Not because I can feel that deliberate rebellion in my heart, rather because if I did want to serve God, I would be a different person.  My brother, dad and mom will be so disappointed when I am not there in paradise.  My despair will reach its zenith as I watch death approaching, at God's hand.  Likely a painful and violent death, that I will have time to consider as it approaches for days possibly even weeks.  I guess I would want a few minutes to process it.  I doubt it will be so quick though.  I imagine I will realize the loss of all hope days or weeks before it comes.

I keep thinking that when I do come to that realization that I will cease the wickedness that drove me to that precipice.  This will, of course, be driven partially or even largely because I want God to reconsider.  I do hope that some altruistic notion remains such that even though I know my life is lost, I would want my final moments to be good ones, not filled with a hurry to drink the pleasures a last dollop of wickedness may afford.  I don't believe that would even be an option.  I imagine, believe, I will die largely alone, in pain and with the crushing burden of knowing that there is no longer any hope, that the final end will hurt, a lot and with all worldly pleasure totally gone and meaningless.  I imagine the last moments of my life will be in agonizing pain and mental torment.  The fact that others, the ex, the kid, the sibling, will survive, if indeed they do, will be of small comfort as I believe that the then current suffering will such a recollection impossible.  How can you consider anything as you are dying from radiation poisoning, ebola virus, or being hunted by wild animals, human or otherwise.

This is what I think about in calm moments.  No joy.  I tried buying presents for myself.  It just doesn't work at all anymore.  Maybe this is what is driving me to spend thousands for a positive and pleasant evening.  If it weren't for the IRS, and my attendant stupidity, I would do it in a heartbeat.  (And then I wonder why God won't shine his light on me, not to say that he hasn't.)

More Sh*t

I am starting to loose my working edge.  I am wasting more time and taking more la la land breaks.  I am worried, not excessively so but I can feel dullness setting in.  This could be really bad.  I need to get a hold on myself and turn this around.  (Now just how the hell am I going to do that?)

I just have to keep working late and coming in early.  I really, really need to come in this weekend to get the reviews done for my people.  Oh yes, and mine as well.  I am tired, sleepy, and can't wait for this week to be over.  It hasn't been "that" bad.  but I feel stretched and uncomfortable in my own skin.  I think it may be a result of having the inflated anticipation for talking to Grace, and then to Kyra, and then Tara.  It's not going to happen though.  It is just too expensive given my current volatile state.  I need the cash for the IRS.  I just can't believe how stupidly I continue to act in this regard.

I just can't see myself lasting through this.  And I can't see myself being "ready" for Armageddon for another 5 years or so.  It's all ugly.  There seems to be no way out.  (There ought to be a movie .  .  .  dang, its been done.)  I have read over and over, and have experienced it in my own life, that with God all things are possible.  I guess that only applies to those who truly want to do his will.  And I have demonstrated that I am not that sort of person.  I haven't given up entirely.  I thought I would a year or so ago, but I just couldn't toss it all over and live a life of moral abandon.  I so dearly hate what I have done with my life, but I must suffer through the consequences.  The ones manifest now and those yet to appear.  Of course the consequence may include Death at God's hand, from which there is no escape.  And I just can't seem to fix this.

So I am discovering that I am fixated on going out with an escort.  No matter how impractical and expensive it is, I keep looking at profiles (both the ones previously identified and new ones,)  thinking about how the date might go, what questions I might ask and such.  Ultimately though I would have to select a card and put 1K - 2K USD in an envelope knowing I won't see it again.  I know I will think about buying a surface (or possibly other ways to use those funds,) and I will back off.  I suppose Grace is the only one I could really see making me actually moving forward.  However I am well aware of my mind to play this sort of trick on me.  Thinking I am standing when my legs are rotting from within leading to a seemingly sudden shift away from any previous resolution.  I know how stupid it is but right now, I would say that I have a 50/50 chance of doing it anyway.

It's Monday morning and I am looking back on another busted weekend.  Nrop, TV addiction, missed meeting and, of course, no work done.  I didn't even pick up the laundry or mail, much less the needed medication.  I even drafted a letter to the most expensive paid companion I have yet to come across.  I didn't send it but I was close.  I suppose I just want some level of association really badly.  It reminds me of my decision not to invest in a PC when that was on the leading edge of a revolution.  It is obviously not even close in comparison.  But my mind has put this meeting on that level.  It is like I really want to believe this is a pivotal meeting.  One of critical importance.  Of course it is just a trap.  A money, and mind trap.  I think I will have a "sort of" good time.  I will either have  a great time or will have an almost good time that I will think can be improved with just a little extra effort, a little more money, a little more pre-work, a little more cologne or whatever.  Oh, and I wont have the MS Surface(R) that I could otherwise have.

Not it's Tuesday and I am becoming convinced that the positive momentum of the last few weeks has completely reversed.  I am now rapidly descending in terms of my ability to work hard and accomplish work, spiritual or home based objectives.  I shouldn't be overly concerned.  It is just as serious as any other situation encountered thousands of times earlier wherein my life and my commitment to God is tested.  I practically always fail.  As I am sure I will again in this instance.  God wants me to succeed.  I behave as though I want to fail.  The situation is such that I want the candy Satan holds out, but along with it he requires me to release my commitment to God, which I have relinquished (though grudgingly at times) more often than not.

Shine a Little Light on My Life

So, what next.  The realization that I have totally screwed up my life has been thoroughly absorbed by my psyche.  I know now that I have made grave mistakes that may cost me my life at Armageddon if not before.  I know that the things I have looked forward to since childhood may (and probably are) no longer my fate at all.  Bitter disappointment at my failure on all fronts of my chosen quests is now past shock, denial, anger (and all those other reactions) and is now at acceptance.  So I thought I wasn't moving forward  b/c of depression, but I have drugs for that now.  I thought it was b/c TV addiction but last two weekends have been a bust, despite the lack of TV.  I know that God has been telling me all along what I need to be doing but the only thing that resonates with me now is that I have to quit nrop, TV, and bad music.  I have taken aim at 2 out of 3.  I suppose escorts is on the list as well, but all I want from escorts is to talk.  They represent a huge danger since it would be so easy to go farther down the wrong road.  But I really just want to talk to another intelligent woman.  Fortunately, that issue is easily resolved since they are so very expensive I will likely never afford their service again.  (It's not like I could afford it the first two times.  Just two more bad decisions.)  Then, I suppose there is speed dating.  This could be an issue however the cowardly thing to do is also the right thing to do.  Being a coward at heart (yes, I have accepted this as well,) this trick (avoiding speed dating) isn't really that hard to pull off.

Maybe there is a delayed reaction.  I still have to achieve the goal of avoiding nrop (possible with the medication.)  I must continue the ban on TV (seems quite doable.)  The music, well not so much.  Speed Dating is automatic; escorts is automatic as well, and any stupid breakthrough is just one instance of avoidable bad association.  Given the fact that work is a constant exposure to the same I am not overly concerned.  So if I pull all these things together, maybe then God will shine a little light on my life.  Hmmm, there ought to be a song.  Aw dang, ELO already did that one.

Just Another Depression Fueled Rant

Yuck!  That's how I am feeling today.  I started my morning with a prayer today, as I did yesterday.  We'll see how long I can keep that up.  I did do my bible reading as I have for the last 7 workdays.  Again, we'll see how long I can keep that up as well.  It seems like anything good that I do, I will eventually stop doing and fail.

The key is wanting to do what is right.  God knows that I will focus on things that I want badly.  I'll spend hours as though they were minutes.  I am hoping that reading the bible will make me want to serve God well.
However I am quite sure that doing so will take a ling time.  And I am 80% confident that I will quit before I get to that stage.

I can still work a lot stronger and harder because of the medication.  The addiction to TV has made it harder for me to translate the additional energy I now seem to have, into my private life.  In other words, my condo is still a wreck.

Its Monday and I am ashamed of the weekend.  A couple of dives in to nrop but, oddly, the typical Mb session did not follow.  Thanks to the anti-depressants.  Still it is really bad to watch that stuff.  I wish I had not done so.  So the ramp into that this time was reviewing escorts.  So many of them are highly rated it makes me wonder who's writing them.  Anyway, It is hard to find someone like Avery or Grace who truly want to make a connection rather than heard'em in and f*ck 'em.  Even escorts with really great reviews, seem to have adopted that style.  They may smile and be sweet and kind, which earns them praise.  But when you get down to it, that is what it becomes.  So I look for the ones that so some level of independence and unique thought.  I think Kyra may be like that.  The trouble with all these people, Avery, Grace & Kyra, is that they are so expensive.  500 to 1000 USD per hour (not including the $500 I have spent on tickets for our entertainment.)  It compares with a lot of nice, high end gear I could otherwise have.  And oh, by the way, it is wrong by God's standards.  So in sum, it is just a bad deal all the way around.  It yields some pleasant memories, as in the case of Grace.  But when you consider the cost (1,200 USD) it is hard to imagine that it is worth it.

I see that there is a Speed Dating event planned for this weekend.  Now there's a more reasonable way to talk to a number of people.  Of course that is wrong too, but I don't know how else to integrate people into my life.  I am so alone.

I know that the option to serve God is there.  I figure I will eventually figure out what I really should have been doing.  Whatever it is I know it is hitting me in the face and over the head.  Apparently, I just don't want to see it.

Monday afternoon now.  The day was filled with answering emails and reading new ones.  I did work extensively on a continuous progress report which is shaping up nicely.  I spoke with a couple of other managers on their situations.  It was a good day to get some real work done but I ended up with a lot of email distraction and wasn't as productive as I had hoped to be.

I hope to get a couple more hours of productivity out of myself, or at least get some reading done.  Have I said it yet in this post?  I'm not sure but I feel it welling up inside me right now:  I hate myself.  There, now that's off my chest.  Trouble is:  there's lots more where that came from.

Tuesday AM, Did I get those additional couple of hours spoken of earlier.  Not just no;  Hell No!  I can't get my posterior in gear to do anything home related.