To the Back of the Line with You

 

So I screwed up again. Big time.  I got some action with a gal from a web site.  It wasn't a very good lay but the gal was super gorgeous.  

Of course, I feel awful, but then again I am acting like, well I screwed up, might as well wallow in this mire for a bit.  It can't get much worse than this.  Oh but it can.  All sorts of trouble may ensue.  

I am worried that I caught something from that woman.  She kept her hands placed at the crease of her legs next to her genitals.  I wonder if she was covering evidence of disease.  

The sex was weird.  She required very little foreplay.  She came quickly.  Then she tried as hard as she could go get me off with oral.  But the action was so obvious and rushed I stopped it.  We copulated again until I came but it wasn't much fun.  She has a great body but I spent most of the time trying to figure her out.  

She also had this thing where she wanted the room to be dark.  When she showered after, she wanted the bathroom dark as well.  That is why I think there was something she is hiding.  I suppose it could be a tattoo, but that doesn't seem reasonable to me.

So now I am following up with a mad search for some better poon.  But all the sites have the same problem.  No one wants to be with an ugly old black fat man like me.  Of course, it is not a problem with the sites, or with the women on the site.  It is my problem that I have failed to fix.

These days I am beating the web site looking for similar encounters.  But the same problem exists, I just get used to the constant rejection.  

I want to turn around and try to get back in the good graces of God, but I feel so guilty I don't pray much anymore.  Not even for meals.  

* Break *

So it has been a little over a week since my gross indiscretion.  I prayed once or twice now.  I still feel badly when I do.  I have a lot of trouble facing God now.  

I found the encounter with this woman strange as mentioned earlier.  I scheduled some time to discuss the encounter with her this evening.

*Break*

So I did talk with this woman.  It went well.  I was more nervous than I would have liked to have been.  She was concerned herself about how this meeting was going to go.  She thought our first meeting was "rough" to use her word.  I didn't perceive it as such but that sentiment registered strongly with her.  

She indicated that she wanted it to be dark during the sex because she doesn't like to be the object of leering.  She said she wanted it dark when she showered because she just likes it dark generally speaking.  I find that explanation difficult to swallow but I'll let it go for now.  

I didn't ask what she was hiding when she kept her hands on either side of her vulva when I was eating her out.  I had covered a lot of ground and didn't want to press further.

When I talked about how fast the session went, she indicated that she thought that is what I wanted.  I can understand that a lot of guys would like that kind of hard pounding quick action.  I indicated that my preference is for my partner to be the first to climax once or twice before I took my turn.  

But all this comes with the knowledge that this is totally wrong from God's standpoint.  He hates that I am doing this and even that I am thinking about it.  

* Break *

So the Memorial is coming up next week.  Another DF memorial.  Shit.  I really thought I'd be over this by now.  Oh well. I have to wait until at least July to try again.  That satisfies the "several months" clause in the Organization book.  It may not be "a year or more" but the listing of multiple options indicates to me that it is not too soon to at least ask.  As much as I don't want to, I am drawn to a Sugar Baby I met earlier.  The same one I penetrated.  I really like her, as far as one can know that at this point.  I want to visit again but I'll try to avoid the sex.  I really need someone to talk to.  And I have no one but God now.  He should be enough for me, but I am just stupid.  

* Break *

I contacted the SB again this week.  She agreed to meet on Saturday but then later asked me to "help her with her tuition."  I said that we could work something out and suggested we arrange to talk sooner or later.  She didn't respond to that at all and I finally lost patience and told her (in a nice way) that this just isn't working out.  She never responded to that so it seems quite clear that she wasn't interested in continuing the engagement. 

Of course this leaves me feeling good about saving money, feeling like shit for the inability to seem the least bit desirable to women.

* Next Day *

I felt like shit all last night.  I haven't exercised in a couple of weeks.  Memorial is coming up and I know I want to go.  I just have this feeling like I won't make it.  I started taking a depression drug Aripiprazole.  It makes me really sleepy, but I feel so badly, I am willing to put up with that.  All I do is read Science Fiction novels and watch you-tube videos.

I have a meeting tonight, the old KMS&SM.  I never want to go and almost never even attend virtually.  I plan to try and go physically.  I doubt if I will make it.  I just feel like I am scraping the bottom again.  I can't seem to pull up.

* Next Day *

So I did attend the meeting virtually.  I did not go physically.  Amazingly I paid attention for the most part throughout the sessions.

I'm still not exercising but I did manage to take a shower today.  

I started doing some laundry on Friday.  I did that today along with some grocery shopping.  Maybe going to meetings helps with depression.  

*** Long Break ***

It's near the end of May now.  Amazingly I have been reading the text, the Wt article and reading a chapter or two from the bible for the last 2 weeks or so.  I don't know how much longer this is going to keep up.  But I hope I can make it a long term habit.  God knows how much I need this to happen.  I try to remember to pray after the study session but I often forget, like today.  

I haven't kicked porn yet, but if I can hold out for another 4 months (Until September) I plan to make another plea for rejoining the congregation.  I think I won't make it.  I am so tempted to screw up all the time that it just doesn't seem likely.  Maybe God will take pity.  I think he will if I can keep up the prayer.  I don't think I can do that though.  In any case I intend to keep trying.  

I've been thinking lately that I might as well go ahead and try to submit a plea sooner, but that seems like it will be DoA given the recent screw up.  I can remember them saying that it is "not based on time."  but I don't believe that.  It is not what the Organization book says so I feel I have good basis for retaining my earlier view.  The same as was stated in the same book:  Several months, a year or more.  I figure 6 months qualifies as several months so I plan to just wait it out.  

All that aside, I still can't seem to get my very self to the Thursday night meeting.  I feel so exhausted after work, even if I am working from home.  This habit of going to bed at 5:00 PM, waking up at midnight for a couple hours and then waking up finally between 3:00 - 5:00 AM is just nuts.  I have to figure out how to stop doing that.  

Big Sigh, Let's Try This Again

 

I sent another letter to plea for re-communication (as opposed to excommunication) to the church.  I keep trying to do what is right but it is so difficult to do so.  I don't think they will let me back in since I haven't been going to services very regularly.  

I'll use the depression excuse.  I don't really know if that is valid, but it's all I've got.

I didn't spend a lot of time on the letter.  I just updated the one I sent before.  I am surprisingly anxious to get the meeting scheduled and over with.  I think that if I am denied again I will crumble in my efforts to block out the activities that got me kicked out in the first place.  

I started listening to the recordings again.  That really helps to put me in the right mindset.  

And Down We Go Again

 

It has been several months since my last post.  I keep toying with new medications, but nothing helps.  I nearly died when one of the medications severely reduced my night vision.  I almost crashed into the back of a semi-truck.  I think God saved me there.  

So, I just got a blast of motivation.  I invited a sugar baby over to my place for dinner & cuddles.  I don't know why that has given me such a boost.  But I am going through the condo and throwing out all kinds of useless stuff I had been keeping. 

Weeks before that I fixed the hot water heater (after years of cold showers) I can't tell if I am coming out the other side of all this depression.  Ever the pessimist, I don't think so, but I remain hopeful.  

For the last 2 weeks I have been reading the text and doing a chapter of bible reading consistently.  I don't know how much longer this will last.  I guess it is possible that this may help explain my motivation rise.  There was such a blast after I made the appointment with the SB that I still believe that was a factor.  

In any case I started getting some work done on my house in SOVA.  Roof, basement sealing and some interior cleaning.  Next up are the cabinets.  Sanding, priming, painting.  I got a new 'fridge delivered.  I had to make a cut-out in the cabinet for it to fit.  It does just barely.  

I am really worried I will screw my SB which would put the whole reinstatement thing back a year or so.  After the denial last year around this time, I went back into porn and haven't felt ready to try for reinstatement again.  If I can stay away from the porn I will try again in April.  However, if I end up screwing the SB, that will be off the table.  I pray about this, but I keep working against my prayers.  

I plan to go to a meeting today in person.  I can't imagine that going well.  Just more humiliation.  I know that the reinstatement board will think that is important.  Maybe it is, I just don't really know.  

It is super interesting sitting back and watching my myself flail around trying to get back into the truth.  It is not going well.  I can't seem to fix it.  I will see if I can keep with the text and bible reading.  However, getting to meetings is turning out to be really difficult.  

I get mentally exhausted during the day and typically have to take a nap at 5:30 or so.  That usually lasts until about 8:00 - 8:30 which makes meeting attendance impossible.  I have tried just staying awake, but the exhaustion is just overwhelming.  

I don't think I will make it.  I am just performing too poorly.  I can hardly imagine being clean enough to get back in much less being ready to do FS.  

***  The next day  ***

Well, I missed the meeting.  I decided not to go in person after getting of the metro.  Then I decided not to attend virtually.  I was just so mentally exhausted.

Somehow the urge to clean this place up has continued.  I have a bunch more boxes lined up for dispatch.  Garbage is picked up on Friday so I plan on having a mother-load of items for removal.  

I really want to spend a lot of time talking to the SB.  She seems pretty interesting but in the initial meeting I found her hard to talk to.  Not that she was resistant in any way, it is just that I had to carry the conversation.  

Maybe I'll list some talking points for our meeting.  I already had a couple of items:

1. How do you protect your health in this business?

2. How many SD's do you manage at the same time?

3. Propensity to do business events?

4. Travel arrangements

         a. Vacation?

        b. Do you like the beach

5. Why did you respond to my profile

6. What were you like when you were in high school?

7. What have you learned about men in this business?

8. What are a couple of your strongest assets as a human?

** One or two Weeks Later **

Scratch all that crap above.  The woman (not the first depiction to come to mind) canceled on me twice.  So I feel like sh*t now.  I'm glad it happened because it would have set me back spiritually so far if I did meet with her.  However, I am most unhappy now.

I am again unmotivated to do anything.  Even working is difficult.  It all just seems so pointless.  In actual fact it is pointless.  No one is going to care after Armageddon.  The only thing that is critical is being obedient and surviving through God accepting my service and granting me passage.  The more I commit serous sins (like fucking that woman) the less likely that will happen.  So, I am happy that she canceled.  Even though I thought that maybe we wouldn't have sex, I believe that we would have.  

I was exercising every morning for a couple of weeks.  This is day 4 when I didn't do so.  I was reading the text and reading a chapter in the bible for maybe a couple of weeks.  That stopped something like a week ago.

I'm just going downhill now.  I don't see an escape ramp coming up anytime soon.  But I don't see what God sees so I'm back to "I don't know what to do."

Never Again

 

I am not feeling overly dejected for having my application for re-establishment of myself into the congregation denied.  I think it may be more impactful than I know.  I want to use dejection as an excuse to return to the self-pleasing practices that got me kicked out in the first place.  The draw there is still pretty strong.  

My long(ish) term escort trashed me to her friends on Twitter.  I still feel pained over that.  I really thought we were, well, more friendly than that.  I know we aren't friends.  But I don't think it was kind.  But thinking of myself critically, I could see myself doing something similar.  I don't want to admit that, but I have been rather unkind in the past.  Nonetheless, that is helping me to stay away from her.  It also reminds me that many others of that ilk are equally, if not more unkind than she has been.  

How I get myself to do God's will all the time is unknown to me.  

It is morning now.  I need to start working.  I have found it very difficult to get engaged in work today.  I tried to start working a couple hours ago, but I just didn't get going.  

And I'm back after a couple of nonblogging months.  It is June now.  The last two have been pretty bad.  I quit going to meetings regularly, and I watch porn every other week.  It is sad.  I truly hate what I have turned into.  I can work pretty well.  The medication allows me to start early and work well until about 3:00 PM.  It is hard to be productive after that, but since I begin between 5:00 and 6:00, I am confident I am putting in an honest work day. I even spent a couple of hours working this past Sunday.  

I can't seem to do anything else, though.  I have gotten used to doing grocery shopping on Saturday AM.  

My son needs money for therapy.  250 clams per hour-long session.  Oh well.  I hope it helps.  She seems to suffer a lot.  

Work is, well, interesting.  My next challenge is a BA who is so sensitive if I think an unkind thought, she complains to her boss.  (who complains to his boss, who complains to my boss, who complains to me.)  What a crazy messed-up system we have to work out problems.   

I am sorely tempted to fall back to the old ways.  Cuddling is not available.  Tinder, A. Madison doesn't work well for me.  I genuinely hate where I am.  The deacons did hand me back to Satan when they rejected my application.  But, of course, this is my own damn fault.

** Long Break**

It is the middle of July now.  I took all of last week off for vacation.  I went nowhere.  I did basically nothing.  I kept trying to do stuff, and my mind refused to cooperate.  I read books, watched TV, and that's about it.  

Coming back to work this week, I feel much better.  I can work hard and steady for longer now.  It's a great feeling.  

However, I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that I may never be able to get work at home done anymore.  It has been 18 years since I have been gripped by this depression.  I can work but do nothing else.  

I even asked the bitch for help.  Imagine that.  After all the shit I took from her, connected to asking for help.  Appropriately she ignored my text.  NEVER AGAIN.

I am heartbroken that my plea for reunification was unsuccessful.  Of course, I dropped back into porn again.  I keep thinking I need to be 3 months clean to request reinstatement.  So that puts me in mid-October.  Of course, I probably will fail to make that goal and will be lucky if I am 3 months clean by 2023.  

I also toyed with hiring an escort with the hope of some serious and unscriptural intimacy (if the escort will allow.)  I just have to quit that.  I don't know if I ever will.  Damn, I sure hope so. 

The new convention videos are available now.  Maybe if I can get on board with that, I can claw back some lost ground.  Based on my performance to date, I doubt it, but I still hope to get something going.  

I am just such a piece of crap.  

I Read

 

What a steaming pile my life is.  

I can't tear myself away from looking for a proper companion for dinner & conversation.  

Break

I submitted my plea for readmission.  Fortunately, no emolument is required for such.  Just send an email and wait for the board to call me in for a hearing.  I imagine it will take a month or so.  But they might surprise me and do so within a week.  

I know that I will face a big problem since I have not been as consistent going to services as they would feel is ideal.  I plan to tell them that I am doing the best I can.  I decided to answer questions as simply as possible.  Also, I will try despirately not to get sucked into an arguement.  If they make a statement like "It doesn't sound reasonable" rather than being defensive, I will simply be silent (if I can hold my tongue.)  

They have a couple of times got me going with a statement with which I don't agree.  Then I get all upset and make statements that "seem" rebellious.  It is like they were trying to pick a fight.  

For cryin' out loud!  Enough of that.

Work has been interesting lately.  With the former boss from hell gone I am getting some interesting work going on.  Unfortunately, that boss's boss has been displaying his utter lack of software development understanding resulting in a lot of extra work for me.  In the meantime, I am trying to take advantage of a recent cash neutral policy to get a bunch of projects approved.  OMG that is so much work with the write ups and the financial justification.  Putting the write-ups in the proper format for them to see is really a pain.  Mostly it is just so time consuming.  

Depression is still kicking my butt.  I can't do anything around the house.  Even just applying Rain-X to the windshield of my car is difficult.  I have had that task on my list for a couple of weeks now.  I have new wiper blades and just installing them (as easy as they are to install) is turning into an exercise in procrastination.  Everything is like that.  Work is fine but nothing else works.

I feel like I need just a little help and then things would go so much better.  However, there is no one around to help, except God.  I have spent my life (especially recently) running away from Him so I can't expect him to swoop in and magically sort & file all my old paperwork.

And then there's the women.  I have no one to talk to so I still use escorts to do dinner dates.  I hope the board doesn't ask about that.  They will surely reject my application if they do and then another 3 - 6 months of sitting on the outside.  Of course, if I am admitted back into the church, I still have the issue of people not wanting to talk to me.  This particular church has changed a lot though.  There are so many people now that I never met before, so there is a chance.  I am not ready to do the volunteer work.  That is where I have the highest likelihood of getting to know someone in a friendly way.  And if you don't volunteer, then something is wrong with you.  That makes most people stay away.

I do read a lot.  That is the only thing I like about myself now.

Reflecting

I have been avoiding porn for a couple of months now.  One more and I will submit my plea for reunification with the congregation.  

I expect that they will find some reason to keep me out a few more months but that seems to be how it goes based on my limited experience with reinstatement pleas.  The lack of statistically significant sampling means I really don't know what is going to happen.  One thing is sure.

I will answer all their relevant questions.  I will offer no more than the answer to such questions.  I will insist on specific questions rather than try to answer buckshot questions like:  "How's it going?"  I feel I have been bated into saying things that are misunderstood.  I am determined not to let that happen again by focusing on the answers to relevant questions.

I expect them to argue that I am not being forthcoming however that is easily countered if I answer all the relevant questions.  

I am of mixed opinion as to whether to record the session.  It seems normal and fair given the fact that they make a record.  Actually, that seems to say it all right there.  I thought it would evidence a lack of trust in God to do so.  But then again, wouldn't that be true of them as well.  I am surprised I considered this for so long without reaching a decision before now. 

I am still trying not to use escorts.  However, a few things are working in that direction.  

1. I am on a anti-depressant that diminishes the sex drive.  
2. I am becoming acutely aware of the cost of such exploits.  
3. I am freshly reminded of outstanding liabilities.  
4. I have prayed for assistance and believe it is working

These items, most especially the last, have pinched off that habit.  While I would still make platonic appointments, the fact that I am black, fat, old and ugly has effectively eliminated that option.

I am still beset by the total lack of friends.  I do not anticipate that returning to the congregation will alleviate that problem, given the fact that I faced the same issue for over a decade when I was still a part of the congregation.  I think maybe after a few years, or after I move again, I'll have a chance to form a new friendship.  I just don't see that happening soon.

I am still dealing with depression.  It manifests itself with a near total lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile.  I hate that.  I used to be so productive.  It is like more than a decade of my life has been stolen from me since I can make no further progress my private aspirations.  Of course, that makes no sense.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I am fielding the result of my earlier behavior.  I am the one primarily to blame here.  Hence the self-loathing of which I have often spoken.

Yawn, More of The Same -- Why I'm Spireitually Dead

 

I can't even tell if I am being lazy or if my depression is preventing work.  I just don't feel like doing anything.  

I realized that I have been booted around all my life and very few have even tried to befriend me.  And because I never had any real friend, I didn't know how to respond to those who tried to befriend me.  And no, I didn't know what a good Christian looked lie.  I saw some good Christians, but I resisted their behavior thinking that that was just one path they chose.  I didn't realize that that was literally the best path one could take and that anything else is at best sub optimum.  At worst dangerous and leading its follower to destruction.  So that is one explanation of how I am here in this spiritually dead state.  

I decided to stop watching TV.  I made it about 24 hours or so, so no, I have no idea if this will carry through.  

I am making a concerted effort not to watch porn now.  If I make it, I can submit letter to get back in at the end of march.  It is always rejected in the first try of course so then I could resubmit in June to be back in by Assembly time.

Cardiologist says I really have to get my BP under control.  Medication won't be able to keep it in check by itself.  He described the situation as "running out of options.  So, I gave up coffee as a constant drink.  I am trying to limit myself to 1 cup day, and 1 cup decaf daily.  I am on day 3.  It seems to be working out OK.  and it has had a good impact on BP already.

So, I am listening to a broadcast* and the speaker says that being DF is like God taking over our recovery.  I don't think that is a good analogy but what do I know?  Maybe that is true, but I see it more like them throwing up their hands and saying, you are so bad we don't want to be bothered anymore.  Honestly, I was asking for a bible st udy before I got kicked out.  But the deacons refused.  

It is not like they were helping me learn stuff that I needed to know, it was helpful because it was a good spiritual discussion with someone.  That regular contact helped me tremendously to get back on the horse.  It was a long process though.  I think it was taking too long for the level of patience the deacons had with me.

Break

So I quit drinking so much coffee.  That was helpful.  I started walking on the treadmill again.  I was surprised I could walk for an hour just starting out.  I'd like to add rowing to my daily regimen but we'll see how far that gets.

I still can't do anything for myself.  I started organizing over the xmas break.  For the first week I didn't do jack but I got a few things done on the last few days. So I am dead inside again.  I can still work, but anything having to do with the home is static.  I can't get anything done on that account.  

I have sort of decided that this is as good as it gets for now.  I am settling in for working out the remainder of my secular care