I Read

 

What a steaming pile my life is.  

I can't tear myself away from looking for a proper companion for dinner & conversation.  

Break

I submitted my plea for readmission.  Fortunately, no emolument is required for such.  Just send an email and wait for the board to call me in for a hearing.  I imagine it will take a month or so.  But they might surprise me and do so within a week.  

I know that I will face a big problem since I have not been as consistent going to services as they would feel is ideal.  I plan to tell them that I am doing the best I can.  I decided to answer questions as simply as possible.  Also, I will try despirately not to get sucked into an arguement.  If they make a statement like "It doesn't sound reasonable" rather than being defensive, I will simply be silent (if I can hold my tongue.)  

They have a couple of times got me going with a statement with which I don't agree.  Then I get all upset and make statements that "seem" rebellious.  It is like they were trying to pick a fight.  

For cryin' out loud!  Enough of that.

Work has been interesting lately.  With the former boss from hell gone I am getting some interesting work going on.  Unfortunately, that boss's boss has been displaying his utter lack of software development understanding resulting in a lot of extra work for me.  In the meantime, I am trying to take advantage of a recent cash neutral policy to get a bunch of projects approved.  OMG that is so much work with the write ups and the financial justification.  Putting the write-ups in the proper format for them to see is really a pain.  Mostly it is just so time consuming.  

Depression is still kicking my butt.  I can't do anything around the house.  Even just applying Rain-X to the windshield of my car is difficult.  I have had that task on my list for a couple of weeks now.  I have new wiper blades and just installing them (as easy as they are to install) is turning into an exercise in procrastination.  Everything is like that.  Work is fine but nothing else works.

I feel like I need just a little help and then things would go so much better.  However, there is no one around to help, except God.  I have spent my life (especially recently) running away from Him so I can't expect him to swoop in and magically sort & file all my old paperwork.

And then there's the women.  I have no one to talk to so I still use escorts to do dinner dates.  I hope the board doesn't ask about that.  They will surely reject my application if they do and then another 3 - 6 months of sitting on the outside.  Of course, if I am admitted back into the church, I still have the issue of people not wanting to talk to me.  This particular church has changed a lot though.  There are so many people now that I never met before, so there is a chance.  I am not ready to do the volunteer work.  That is where I have the highest likelihood of getting to know someone in a friendly way.  And if you don't volunteer, then something is wrong with you.  That makes most people stay away.

I do read a lot.  That is the only thing I like about myself now.