Pathetic

 

So I am on some new medication now.  This is the early part of the second week.  Surprisingly it actually seems to be working.  I started getting stuff done around the house and then yesterday, for the first time since the pandemic started, I was able to work until about 8:00 PM.  I went to bed at a normalish 9:00 PM or so and slept entirely through the night.  

Some wierd stuff is happening though.  I will get very tired and sleepy in mid afternoon like around 4:00.  The last time it happened I had to post an brb note on my calendar at work I took a horu long nap and revived.  It happened again today,  I just ate a whole lot of stuff and then it sort of went away.

** Break **

Well the medication continues to work.  I did go through a period of extremely down feeling for a couple of weeks.  I discussed this with my Dr. and she gave me some new pills.  I feel better now.  Not euphoric but just better.  

Work continues to be a drag.  I don't know how many times I decided to leave but I just can't seem to do so.  

I'm not going to church.  I am not studying the bible.  God will judge me and I believe I will be judged fairly but negatively from my perspective.  I just choose not to do his will.  I often pray fervently to change but it is just not happening.

I feel like I am nearly back to myself in productivity but I can't work past 5:00 PM.  After that I can't seem to do anything other than read or watch TV.  I am such a bum.  I hate what I have grown up to be.

So I made plans to see Ms dehavilland yesterday.  It is expensive but my goodness I have been so isolated recently.  I really need someone to talk to for a few houirs over dinner.  It is a social visit meaning that it is primarily in public space so no worries about getting in over my head.  I had cancelled a visit with her b/c I was worried about how it would look to the expulsion committee.  But I figure if they hand me over to Satan,  then that is the only place I can get the association I need to maintain my sanity.

* Short Break *

So I am feeling guilty about seeing Ms de Havilland again.  I know God isn't happy about it but I figure that I need it to protect my mental health.  I am always alone and always isolated.  It wasn't so bad for the first several months.  But as the months and then a year passed, I recognized that it really hurts to be alone ALL the time.  I also recognize that I have no friends.  Now, it is really pathetic that the only pseudo friends I have are those to whom I pay money to compensate them for associating with me.  But here I am.  I have no friends and no one who wants to be friends with me.  So I pay people to pose as my friend. While they are good at it, and an outside observer might not be able to discern the difference (except for the money passing, and the age difference) I still recognize that this is a business transaction and that these people are not my real friends.  Yet it temporarily massages the deep need I have for some association with those who care, at least a little bit.

Pathetic, that's the word for my situation.  And it is primarily my fault.  If I had served God the way I should have my life would be so different.  I'd have a purpose and I'd feel good about myself.  I would be a very different person now.  But here I am.  That is one reason I get so depressed that suicide appears to be a good option.  Of course suicide makes no sense logically so I don't entertain it for long, but it does come to mind often.  

* Short Break * 

So I continue to suffer from severe distraction that makes it much harderfor me to focus on work that needs to be done.  I hate the fact that I cannot focus for long periods of time, particularly when required to do things with which I am uncomfortable.  I continue to feel guilty about seeing Ms deHavilland.  Nonetheless I know I need contact with other humans in order to maintain my balance.  So I will continue with the meeting.  

I'm feeling worse these days.  But there seems to be no relief in sight.  I'm still 3 months away from submitting my application for reinstatement (its just a letter requesting the same.)  I don't know what to do to change my situation.  I pray for a while but then I start forgetting to do so.  I read the text and Watchtower for a while and then I start forgetting to do so.  I am now playing the convention during the day.  I'm sure before long I'll start forgetting to do that again.  I can't seem to be consistent with anything.  

I keep reviewing the fact that I am at the end of my career and nearing the end of my life and there is nothing (except my son) that I am really proud of.  I just thoroughly hate where I am in my life.  There seems to be no prospect for improvement.

 

The days have just been rolling past.  More of the same.  interminable challenges to my sanity as things just happen.

Work has been really challenging as Senior management has targeted me recently for criticism.   I am attending a class now that may help stem that tide.  It is about how to communicate more effectively.  I like the class and the instructor is excellent.  So I have some ideas going forward.  

He suggested I communicate up using the language they understand.  Cost, ROI and impact on Goals.  Anything deep, the instructor recommended to present at about a 6th grade level.  If a smart 6th grader can understand it then it is ready for Sr. Management.  

I am on a new medication that is the first on that seems to be helping me to THINK about getting some work done.  It may be triggering my motivation center (an imaginary part of my brain which does what the title sounds like.)  

Spiritually I'm still a dud.  I'm really having trouble getting to the meetings.  I did find however that a large part of it is the chatter at the start and end of the meeting.  I realize that I find it extremely disturbing and irritating.  Muting the start and end of the meeting helps.  I still don't like to go.  I have been late several times and missed others entirely.  

I'm trying to read the text/wt each day with mild success.  I probably do it just over 50% of the time.  

I still don't enjoy life.  The notion that service to God brings joy is almost completely lost.  I do remember some instances where I felt what I suppose that joy is, but I don't think that has ever been a way of life for me for more than a few months and then only one time as a full grown adult.

It's not all bad though.  I have food, clothing and shelter.  I don't worry about getting shot or mugged excessively.  I wasn't sexually abused as a child (at least not to my knowledge).  Unfortunately I don't get respect from anyone.  I am nearly always treated as a pest.  

Generally speaking I Hate Myself.  But there is a whole episode on that.  (IHMS)

I Keep Failing . . . And Falling.

 

I wish I could find something I cared about but that isn't bad for me.  Of course that rules out porn, women, guns, computer games and listening to goth & symphonic metal music.  

What else is there?  If there was it might be something that I could immerse myself into that is better than reading SciFi books.  

I wrote my doctor today and said that I am not doing well.  I don't really think it will do any good.  This is a slightly better than typical US doctor.  There seems to be a genuine caring there, however it isn't manifest in any special way in terms of treatment.  The doc doesn't seem all that much more excited to find a good solution for my ailments than I would have expected.  Whatever, it is the world I live in along with billions of others.

I still dream of being rich and what I would do to my house if I had a lot of money. New Kitchen hood and fixtures, Garage, Pool, landscaping.  Right now I am faced with more practical things:  New roof, mold abatement, French drain, replacing sliding glass door, etc.  

I just hate being caught up in this crap and having to manage something that I am not sure I even really want.  I mean, what good is it going to do? 

Suicidal thoughts are coming more frequently now.  It is not like I am about to do anything.  Any long term reader would understand that suicide is something I have been thinking about since high school.  Logically it doesn't make sense so I don't feel I am particularly close to doing something like that.  It just comes into mind when things get rougher than before.  

I think a lot about the fact that there is so little for me to dream about.  I have a lot of the crap I wanted in high school, but as predicted it is not satisfying.  I have come to understand that this doesn't bring happiness, but it just brings a desire for bigger and better things.  Right now I want a woman, but those are just totally out of reach, especially since I want a prime woman, not just any one.  

It isn't about just sex but also about nurturing them and making them happy.  Watching them grow to improve in their chosen endeavors.  I want to have a hand in helping them along that way.  But that is so far away right now.  I keep thinking that I will survive Armageddon despite the evidence against it.  I have lived on my own for over 40 years and haven't really served God well during that time.  I keep thinking that his mercy will cover my shortages but that just doesn't seem likely giving how bad my sins are and how little I have done that he has asked of me.  God I am so sorry I chose so very poorly.  I wish I could do it all again.  The only chance to start over is if I make it into the new system, but I don't think I deserve that, I have already proved what a failure I am.

I guess I am still spiraling down.  Controlled Flight Into Terrain to use an aeronautic term.  Have I hit the terrain yet?  Well I am still writing so I have to say "no."  Am I so close that impact is unavoidable?  Well I just don't know the answer to that.  I hope not, so I am still struggling with the controls.  I pray some, but clearly not enough.  There is so much more I should be doing but I just keep Failing.

Waiting to Get Better

 I'm seeing Miss De Havilland again in December.  I worry about how God sees it.  I don't think he is happy.  But then again I was handed over to Satan and this is what he offers in the form of association.  Yes I have to pay for it.  I wonder if the payment includes only platonic engagement?  

Honestly what I am looking forward to is good and interesting conversation over a nice meal.  Followed by a fashion show for some of the silly things I bought for her, then a massage and snuggling with more conversation.

There is so much to do if she does come in December:

1. Fix Car

2. Get the cards for Metro loaded.

3. Make hotel reservations.

Break

Well OK it is about 6 months later and not only have I not seen Miss De Havilland I have also failed to see her again when she came by in March.  I was worried about what the elders would say when I met with them in early April.

But then since I fell off the !Porn wagon 

Break

so I didn't see miss De Havilland in April even though I had paid her for the visit.  I know that scripturally this was the right thing to do since she is "bad association"  however it was really hard for me to accept since I have virtually no other association with anyone else outside of work.  

Later I was chatting on email but this makes me feel guilty because I am still consuming her time.  I suspect that she doesn't really enjoy my email conversations because the responses are always short and are usually just a few sentences.  So I proposed that we do the paid response thing again but this time we pay by the email (and response)  50 USD per email.  Once that was all set up I lost motivation to write her.  I reasoned that it makes no sense to do so because the conversation would be contrived.  If she responded on a topic that doesn't mean she is interested in the topic, it just means she is interested in getting the 50 USD.  Of course that means she is not really my friend, she just responds to what I am saying.

Is that much different than a psychologist?  No, not really except that she has no training in that kind of thing (not that I put much value in psychological training.)  

I really have been trying hard to kick the porn habit but I continue to fail at it.  I am still firmly in the grip of depression so I sit around a lot trying to convince myself to work.  unfortunately sitting around is the worst thing for breaking a porn habit.  There is this process I go through of looking at more and more salacious material until I am on a porn site selecting videos catering to my lascivious fantasies.  

Bad news for going 3 months sober.  So now here i am at the first of May, 2021 saying well, OK reset the target for July 1 to write the reinstatement letter.  My catch phrase is "I can't do it man." because I don't think that I will ever be able to do this.  Of course it is possible with God's help bur I don't follow God's advice consistently enough to get the help I seem to need to twist out of the death spiral.  It isn't his fault, it's mine.  I'm the idiot here.  What a jerk I am.  A fool a piece of refuse, garbage and worthlessness, all minimally adequate sketches of my seedy worthless character.

I don't want to ask for help and then suffer another round of 3 dudes taking pot shots at me by telling me how bad I am.  I mean I am here in a barrel reserved for the poor and spiritually beggarly.  But I'm sure they thought that is what I needed to hear.  I should be thanking them, honestly.  

Suicide is coming up in my thoughts more frequently now.  It just seems so hard to carry on.

This is another one of those times where I wish I could cry because it might be good to have some kind of release, but I can't cry.  I truly don't remember the last time I did.  Crap!  What a chowder head I am.

Rain Clouds

 It has been a little while since the last post.  It's Nov now.  I still hate myself.  COVID has me trapped in my condo for the last several months.  Not good at all.  Depression is a killer now.  No energy, no motivation.  

It's like I want it all to be over but I know that doing myself in is not the solution.  It is nonsensical.  

So I just hurt over and over.  I see my life is a huge failure.  Not a single thing I've done is lasting or enduringly good.  So I've lost motivation to do anything else.  I am just waiting around for death to swallow me up.  And I am quite sure it is on its way.

I do pray.  I do try to read the text and do some bible reading.  But I've been doing that for so long without making the substantive changes needed I have limited hope of success.  Of course if I quit this (and other similar stuff) my chances of success drop to zero.  (Not Good)  So I try (apparently half-heartedly) and continue to fail.  I am praying more, but then how many times have I made that claim.  And look where I am right now.

These days I am really trying to read the text and the Wt. article from which it was taken.  I am not entirely successful especially on the weekends.  I am also trying to add reading a chapter from the bible at the same time.  At some point I want to add in studying the watchtower.  I had this routine several years ago of copying the scriptures into the margin of the watchtower and then highlighting the portion in the paragraph that relates to each scripture and drawing a line to the scripture.  (Actually I may have highlighted the scripture in the same color, it was a while ago so I really don't remember.)  But anyway it would take a few hours to study a single article that way.  yet when I was done, I had a really good understanding of the material and could retain the main points (at least for a few days.)

I'd like to get back to doing that again, but I am not trying to do that right now.  It would just collapse everything I am doing including the text and bible reading.  I have learned I can only do just so much.  If I try to do it all I fail to do anything.

Being df'd is like being under a thunderhead.  It is dark and you may see light off in the distance, what you get in your immediate vicinity is rain and darkness.  It feels similar to when I was in the truth before, I rarely talked with anyone and left right after the meetings.  People didn't talk to me generally speaking.  Now that they are barred from talking to me it is easier for me to accept.  They don't talk because they aren't supposed to.  I think a real moment of truth will come if I ever get reinstated.  Then I will have to deal with people reacting to me again.  I anticipate a few will say "Welcome back brother" and then proceed to ignore me from that point forward.  I guess we'll see.

So I'm 3 weeks sober as respects porn & wank.  I think the depression medication is helping tremendously.  Also reading the text daily seems to be pushing me over the fence.  We'll see how long I can hold out this time.  It has to be for a while since I doubt they will let me back in if I haven't been clean for at least 3 or 4 months.  I plan to ask to get back in in March 2021 so I am barely on track.  "Well I guess we'll see" said the blind man.  Honestly if you can get kicked out for polluting your lungs with tobacco smoke, I don't understand why they let you stay in if you are watching porn.  That doesn't make sense to me but then, I'm df'd.  What do I know?

Hope Burns

Life gets more complicated as you get older.  I hate myself now.  Why?  Well, it's complicated.  The bottom line is bad decisions that have brought bad consequences.

How to you break the cycle and make a hard change like retiring and moving back somewhere. selling everything, buying a camper and living on a camp site somewhere, moving to Mexico with a pocket full of cash, I don't know what. Of course those aren't things I'd likely do.  So I think I have reached the end of all hope.

Of course there is still that grasping at straws level of hope.  That which makes us shout for help long after reasonable hope ends.  I wish I could face death with a calm cool and collected stare, but that's just for movies and books.  My death will mean nothing.  Jesus and countless other good JW's have already proved Satan to be a liar.  My death will be the result of my stupidity, negligence and cowardice.  I wish I could do something to help.  So I give money.  Not much but some.  It's my only contribution.  I know they will make good use of it, if that is God's will.

So today is the big day.  Been waiting for this day for nearly a month.  I'm scheduled to go out with a provider I've been admiring for a couple of months now.  She is tall (176 cm) and slim and I'm guessing pretty as well.  It's a dinner and snuggle meeting.  Of course I still feel bad about it b/c I know God doesn't like it when I do this.  I just get so lonely.  I get lonely and then I get crazy and then I make appointments with cuddlists and/or escort providers.  Certainly my rational mind won't spend several thousand dollars on a few hours of engagement.  That is hard for me to grasp these days.  How did I decide to do this?  Well this is what it is like to serve the god of this world.  How did I get here?

It's 2:00 PM and no contact with Miss De Havilland.  A little surprising but not excessively so.  This event is a super big deal for me, but just another evening for her.  The thing is I have been interacting with her so much I don't think she is at all worried that I might be a no show.

Break

So the meeting went ahead last night.  It was hugely successful in that I got the pleasant conversation and warm connection I sought.  Turns out this woman is basically a genius and works as a computational chemist research assistant for a major and prestigious university in London.  So she is off the charts smart but surprisingly down to earth.  There was almost zero conversation lag.  Constant meaningful exchange for almost 5 hours.  Miss De Havilland is like a fine wine.  Not sweet to the taste but very full bodied and pleasant to engage.  You realize that there is more to the story even after the first bottle is gone. 

It is all just fake though.  Today she is tweeting about a great gift card from another client (I suppose) which apparently puts my little gift to shame.  It is becoming obvious to even my own thick headed self that I want a girlfriend, not an escort.  I wish she would be my girlfriend, and I also hope to find the keys to a Ferrari walking over to my Dr.  Appt.  Fun to think about, but not going to happen.

Break Break .  .  .  Break

So at least 10 weeks since the last entry above.  I made arrangements to see that same provder agan.  I also bought an outfit she was lusting over on Twitter.  With the COVID situation I prepaid and got an extra 2 hours free.  I  booked for 4 hours so next time there will be plenty of time to eat, talk and snuggle.

For some strange reason I have been reading the Text/Wt Article the last few days.  It may stop tomorrow, next week or next month.  Given my history I give 75% chance that it will stop.  Nonetheless I am (currently) praying for continuation of the studying.  I have another 11 months to go before I can consider applying for de-censure.  Of course you aren't totally OK after that.  You have to spend a few months as "Provisionally Acceptable" and if you do enough FS and comment at meetings and all then they give you the "Almost Fully OK" status which means you don't have to identify yourself as a provisional member, but you can interact as though you don't have any issues.  However you can't do anything "Special" for another 5 years.  So minimum 6 years to full recovery, and that is if things go swimmingly all that time.  So you can see why I have so little hope.  It's just not happening.

The End of It All

Here I am at work again about to to into a trans staring into a computer screen until my mind gets  blurry and I go into a waking sleep state. 

With all this talk about COVID-19 I am becoming acutely aware of my habits around touching my face/lips/tongue with my hands multiple times during the day.  I have often made mental notes to stop doing that but this hasn't taken me anywhere in terms of avoiding that bad habit.  I think this may be the time to actually make that adjustment.  Of course, as is typical, I don't know how I'm going to do that. 

I remember on Sunday asking my most excellent cuddle partner about how she overcame a habit she described as unhealthy.  After many leading questions it seems like she was inspired to read a book that really helped her to view life more positively.  I see that as a possible lesson that I need to  apply in my life.  I have a book to read as well, the Bible.  I haven't made much progress lately.  I did read a chapter in my spiritual easy book last night on the train ride home.  Ooooohhh, aaaaahhh, Mr Spiritual cries the crowd.  Suddenly forgetting the Gross Sins of the most recent weekend.  "Snap!" a shot rings out the accuracy of which instantly leaves your writer dead while standing, The only remaining body motion is the crumpling to the floor which is handled entirely by the force of gravity and the physical limitations of flexing limbs yet attached to muscles limp with indirection from the now shredded,  pulverized  and hence no longer functioning amygdala. 

Co-workers cower in fear as the assassin escapes.  Only after sufficient time has gone by to ensure reasonable safety.  By such time your writer's head is haloed with a mildly significant but no longer expanding pool of congealing blood mixed with bits of grey matter and other body fluids liberated as the rifle bullet tore through the necessary cranial mass and surrounding tissue.  And so it ends.  Finally this stinking fetid life has come to an end.  God will continue with His plans for the ending of this system of things and the start of the next.  It would be days before anyone is aware of the death of this writer.  And even then there is the obligatory concern, statements of sorrow to the one or two people who loved, at least at some point in time, the man, the coward, the evil doer. 

God's plans for his new system continue no longer encumbered by this piece of business, the permanent elimination of a discovered hypocrite.  More work is yet, but that is beyond the writer's concern.  For in that moment, his thoughts, hopes, dreams for himself and his family including his progeny have all and forevermore perished. 

But in actual fact that didn't happen.  No assassin is interested in the writer.  He doesn't rate that level of attention.