Latched Up

 

The term "latched" is one I use to indicate my ability to work is frozen.  It is the mental analog to physical paralyzed; I can get hardly anything done.  The few things I can do are very small bite size snippets of activity.  The physical isolation that comes from working at home makes it worse.  I used to rely on peer pressure to keep me going when these symptoms arise.  

I so hate the person I've grown up to be.  I have achieved no meaningful goals.  Family, professional, spiritual and financial lives are all embarrassingly meager.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I have just come to accept the fact that I am a complete and total failure.  Oh, and I have no friends. 

I know that I am not a complete idiot.  I have done some very foolish things, but I am not that way all the time.  I just figure that there must be some way out of this quagmire.  It has something to do with God.  People I know who put his interests first in their lives are happy, not miserable like me.  They aren't materially rich but they sure are spiritually.  The lead happy lives (overall.)

As my work grinds down to an end, I am coming to another crossroad.  How do I handle retirement.  It feels really bad approaching that decision because so many pivotal decisions in my life have worked out so very poorly.  Again, I approach this milestone not knowing what to do.

For the near term I am turning to drugs.  I asked and was prescribed Prozac.  I can take it along with the current depression medication.  Maybe that will help a little.

I'll keep you posted.

Days Rolling By

 

I sent a meeting request to a provider this morning.  Of course, I know that is a mistake.  I just crave the company and attention.  I haven't been able to appropriately manage the grinding loneliness and rejection I feel.  At least with an escort you consistently get smiles, approval and no judgement.  Also, I get intelligent conversation with a person whose views and sexual interests are compatible with mine.

I need to fear displeasing God more than I do.  If I did, I would be so afraid of sinning against him I would not even look at the contact sites where I find these providers.

I asked for a meeting tomorrow evening.  In all honesty, I hope she responds negatively.  It is 1G for a 2-hour dinner meeting.  But I have no recent references, so maybe she will say no just because of that.  I just don't know what comes over me when I do something like that.  I remember thinking at the time I was about to click send, how much I wanted to connect with someone.  Even just the conversation leading up to the arrangement (or the decision not to meet) is worthwhile to me.

1 day later

Since I haven't heard anything from the escort in 30 hours (and since I don't anticipate any response in the next 6 hours) I feel confident that if she does respond I can use the old "I didn't hear from you so I made other arrangements" excuse.  That's a bit of a relief.  It would be better if I did not hear from her at all, then I would know I hadn't burned a bridge.  Of course, that bridge would be best burned in any case.

2 days later

I've heard nothing from the provider.  I sent her the "I haven't heard from you in 48 hours so the deal is off" letter yesterday.  I'm glad to save the money.  I wish I could say I'm glad because I am respecting God's moral standards.  I don't know if that is really true.  

I went to church to be there in person Saturday.  Surprise!  The meeting was virtual only.  I texted the small group cheese about getting notified when that happens in the future.  He apologized and added me to the distribution list.  Itt's my fault for not doing so earlier.

I talked with my Ex about our mentally ill son.  She is still blaming me for causing the problem.  I pointed out that her deciding to leave the marriage is how the whole problem started in the first place.  Of course she didn't acknowledge that.  I just can't believe she didn't figure that out for herself.  She just fixated on something I supposedly did wrong and she keeps telling me about how that affected our son.  It reminds me where my son gets the habit of looking for someone else to blame.  Apparently, the kid is way into Marijuana.  I know his wife uses regularly.  The Ex seems to think that my kid is using regularly as well. While for many people some occasional THC is not a big deal, the Ex seems to think this is significantly contributing to my kid's mental problems.

It seems as though talking about problems with my Kid really drains me mentally.  I was useless for the rest of the day after that conversation.  Of course, I have been pretty much useless on the weekends lately, so the symptom may not be related to the conversation.

I haven't completely given up hope for the Kid.  I must acknowledge that the probability of him surviving Ag seems diminished.  This is especially true now that I see him making very public statements against the cheese in the local church.  I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it.  Of course, I may never know as I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make it either.

I spoke long and hard with the elder I'm studying with about some of the challenges I am dealing with.  For the first time he acknowledged that I really spend the majority of my life solitarily. I'm glad someone finally realizes that.  He said he wants me to go with him to host a visiting speaker sometime in April.  We'll see if that pans out.  It is a long time away anyway.

Escorting We Will Go (Reprise)

 

When you see a cluster of blogs along the timeline you can be pretty sure that things are not going well for me.  This is another such case.  I have been feeling so ashamed and embarrassed lately.  My skills seem hopelessly out of date, and no one respects my input at work.  This makes me feel badly all the time.

I am back looking at escorts for some company now.  I know it is really very dangerous.  However they are nice to me and make me feel like more than I am.  It actually pumps up my self-worth after an engagement.

The downside is that it shows I don't respect God's willingness to take care of me in that respect.  History has shown that, escorts or not, I am severely lacking in the social interaction category.  Something is off about me.  

In any case, my situation just hurts.  It is very unpleasant. I pretty much don't like to be awake outside of working hours.    

My old nemesis porn is back with a vengeance also.  When I think of all the HS I blocked because of that habit, it starts to settle in why my life has been such a shambles.

At Least It's Almost Over

 

How do I change the trajectory of my life?  How do I make serving God more important than anything else?  The answer is some combination of study, meetings, prayer, service and association.  The big 5 incorporate all the key aspects.  Of course it all falls under love of God and love of neighbor.  However, the big 5 is what love looks like in action.

2 - 3 days later

It is becoming obvious that my depression symptoms are coming back stronger now.  Over the weekend my son posted on the church bulletin board about how badly the congregation has mistreated him.  What really appears to be happening is that he is not happy and he is looking for someone to blame.  Strike that, he finds someone to blame anywhere he looks.  Those trying to help get blamed.  So she posted her treatise blaming the church on a public review board.

That turned into a whole thing.  I read it as a cry for help, but when I reached out, she and her husband declined any offer for assistance.

This has brought home what a failure I have become.  No major area of my life has succeeded.  I feel badly all the time.  With the paralysis brought on by the depression, it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix this.