Mind Wandeing

Not sure why I am blogging so much in the past few days.  I am still a non-JW officially.  I still don't do all the studying I should.  I guess I have got nothing really new to say (and I haven't had anything for a while.)  Of course I still blog, saying the same old sh*t over again.

I'm falling in infatuation for another provider, Olivia Lark.  Seems like a really interesting gal.  I tried (weakly) to visit her the last time she was here in October (I think,)  She's coming again in March. 

I've been dreaming a lot of my cuddle partner lately.  Of course there is no chance of a real relationship.  "This girl is half his age.  (Please don't stand so close to me!)" but I digress.   Anyway what sparked the latest round of dreaming is that I got an email message from her indicating she just arrived in Europe for her extended vacation with friends.  Will be there for a month or so.  I do hope we can cuddle again when she gets back.  I worry a little bit 'cause she wants to do some serious rave partying while there.  Seems unsafe, but typical of that generation. 

We are really excellent cuddle partners though.  We both like to hug and be hugged.  We like snuggling under the covers and the one time we spent the night together (platonic) it was really enjoyable.  We did this thing where when lying down and facing each other we interlaced our knees to get good skin contact and so our bodies would be a little closer together.  I've always liked doing that but usually have to show my cuddle partner how to do it.  She just did it automatically.  I'm pretty sure there is something about it in an earlier blog entry, but maybe not. 

She told me the next morning that she was awake at one point lying on her side with her back to me.  I reached over and started rubbing her back, the way my ex- used to like me to do it.  She said that after I did that a little while she fell asleep again.  That was nice to hear.  At the time I thought she was just sleeping.  I reached over just to make some contact with her.  We fell asleep intertwined, but as some point while sleeping she disengaged and rolled over.  I woke up (typical brief night time awakening)  and wanted to re-engage, but didn't want to wake her.  So I just rubbed her back.  I fell asleep again with my feet against her legs for contact. 

Later that morning as we were waking up we interlaced again.  She hugged my chest and laid her head there.  She needed to leave at a certain time so it wasn't for very long.  But it was nice.

There is an age appropriate gal I met on Tinder.  As is typical she chickened out just before our first face to face date.  I contacted her again yesterday but she sent me a message back giving me the brush off.  "I work 12 hour days.  I'm too tired.  I'm not ready for dating.  It's me not you."  Ok that last part was not real, but that's how it felt.  Anyway I sent her a message back saying "Keep me in mind for future events."  I don't expect to ever hear from her again. 

C'est la vie.  And still I want to be a JW.  Man this is just a pickle isn't it.  That's why I just expect that God will kill me.

Well Wishing

I mentioned to my Dr. that I frequently think of suicide and she asks me on each visit if I am thinking about it more.  I answer honestly.  I always think about it and have been since High School.  I haven't done it yet so I probably won't any time soon.

That is still true but I can feel myself stepping closer to the edge.  I just can't get myself to go to the meetings these days.  Not even on Saturday when I wake up early enough and have plenty of time to get there, I just have not generated a strong enough desire to get ready and go.  So it is looking really hopeless these days.  I still have the boot print on my butt from being kicked out and I just always feel badly.  There isn't anything good that I enjoy.  It hurts to read the bible and study.  I do it sometimes anyway, but it hurts.  It hurts even more to watch the JW videos.  I largely stopped doing that because it hurts so much. 

I'm on new anti-depression medication.  It isn't working that well.  I can feel myself slipping even further into listlessness.  I do almost nothing every weekend now.  I feel like I have to stay on it a few weeks to give it a fair chance, but man, it just isn't going well after a week and a half.  It feels like nothing really.

I have a company "Thing" tomorrow. All day.  I hate those d*mn things.  But they are required, I'm supposed to have a good time, oh well .  .  .  Right now I'm trying to avoid seeing another escort this evening.  She is really pretty and is multi-lingual.  I've started a text dialog.  I'm trying to get myself to stop before going through with it.  Wouldn't that be such a slap in the face?  I'm supposed to go to a meeting tonight and instead I'm thinking about visiting an escort?  How did I ever get this low.  But here I am, down here at the bottom of this well.  And I can't get a purchase on the walls to climb out of it.  Even when I make it up a few meters I just fall back down again (and again, and again .  .  .).

Of course I pray about this, but not consistently and hard enough clearly.  And then I don't follow through with the things I should be doing, reading, studying and going to the meetings.  So I am still in this hole.  The escorts provide a measure of comfort down here.  But they are like chains that bind me to the bottom of this pit.  I have to let them go to have any hope of ever climbing out of here.

So I was just thinking of killing myself down here, again.  My situation is just so awful.  I truly hate the man I've grown up to become.  I keep thinking that I can change, but then I keep failing to do so.  So it all just seems so pointless.

God please help me.  Tell me what I should do.

Aisle Seat

It's kind of a weird afternoon.  The people who would otherwise be in my area have either moved away or they are working from home or they are not in the city.  So I am almost totally by myself here and I'm feeling the lonely.  I feel tired and sleepy even though I shouldn't be.  I got plenty of sleep last night.  But I'm doing that thing where if I stare to long at anything I zone out and start imagining conversations in my head that are so real I can almost hear the voices.  This is bad. 

My doc keeps asking if I am considering suicide.  I have let her know that it is  a constant thought which is at times more prevalent than others, but since I have been considering it for at least 45 years now, I think it is very unlikely that I'll follow through with it.  But days like today bring on the thoughts as I despair.  I don't serve God.  God destroys the wicked.  So I think God will destroy me.  It is just hard to imagine the scenario where by I return to God.  I am kicked out.  They entire executive team for the congregation has been replaced.  None of them know me nor to they seem at all concerned about finding out who I am on those few instances when I do show up at the meeting.

I read about reinstatement in the org book.  I need to do works befitting repentance (read go to meetings and study and pray) for several months, a year, or more.  Well first things first.  I need to get to the meetings consistently.  That will be hard enough.  I have begun to notice that when things happen badly at the meetings I don't want to return.  The last time I was there I got trapped in the row of seats by someone on the aisle who was talking to her friends for at least 20 mins before she moved on.  I usually sit against the wall and away from the aisle to be inconspicuous.  But given how it works out, I am thinking about going back to sitting on the aisle.  Of course I would have to fget to the meeting early, but that is not generally a problem.  It is getting to the meeting at all that is the problem.  Especially when there is a bad experience at the meeting such as being stuck sitting for so long. 

So I am considering just going rogue and sitting on the aisle.  Reading the text as I wait works well to kill the time available when coming in early to get a seat in the back on an aisle.  I'll try this next time. 

This is Getting Boring.

And so it starts again.  I actually made it through last month without seeing a provider.  There is one provider from long ago that will be in town this month.  Russian gal who wore a red dress.  Intensely pretty face and jamin' physique.  She's from SF so I am immediately worried about disease.  That has really put a chill on things.  OK I didn't have anything last time I checked but the reminder was enough to put a real fear into me.  I spent a moment reading about one disease that is pretty common in DC and it was really hideous reminder of the problems this kind of wantonness can incur.

I could just do dinner.  She seems pretty intelligent but, d*mn, that's a lot of money for a dinner.  But then again, I am so d*mn lonely these days.

So this is another just regular work day.  I am feeling really nervous.  Stressing out as I consider the technical aspects of my job for which I feel thoroughly unqualified.

Lately I have been praying more.  It really seems to help in some ways.  However, I think as a side effect of the Prozac, I will get really sleepy at various points during the day.  Usually when there is no outside stimulation my eyelids get super heavy.  My eyes seem to glass over like I have been awake for 20 hours or so.  My mind easily wanders to imagined scenarios.  I vividly imagine conversations between myself and others.  No, I don't hear voices per se.  But the conversations I imagine occupy my attention almost fully.  It is almost like they are really happening.  I stand at my desk at times.  It works for a little while.

I also noticed my hands are starting to shake.  I had that same experience a few years ago when I was on some similar medication.  Whatever - I'm just going to keep plowing ahead hoping that this works.  If not I'll ask to switch to Trintellix.

I have the assembly this Sunday.  My son is expecting to see me there which is a strong motivator for me to actually get myself up and over to the place.  I hope I do anyway.  It is what I should do.  D*mn, feeling sleepy again.

Break

So last night was OK.  Still having trouble staying asleep through the night.  Woke up again around midnight but was able to get back to sleep w/o too much trouble.  Prayed again this AM.  I'd like to make this a habit but, well I've wanted to do that for many years now.  I don't know why I started doing so recently.  I don't intend to stop but I have little hope of continuing for any significant length of time simply due to my history over the last 45 years or so.

Yesterday's commute was really long even though I left at about 5:00.  Didn't get home until about 7:00.  Got trapped in the garage at Whiele and then had to take the Greenway.  Not a habit I want to extend any further.  What the hell am I going to do.  I really just don't know.  I should definitely leave between 6:00 and 6:30.  Getting home late is really unsustainable.

Long Break

So the previous post was in the mid-November time frame.  It's 2020 already now.  Long time off over the holidays.  Didn't do anything spectacular.  I did find a new cuddler and so I cleaned my place up pretty well to avoid an overly negative first impression.  I've seen her twice now.  In both instances for 2 hours.  We start on the couch and then move to the BR.  This new Cuddlist really seems to enjoy the snuggling.  It is pretty nice.  Strictly platonic of course but she seems a natural at the art.  I have an O/N session this weekend scheduled.

I started praying about my life situation more recently.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I seem unable to do anything with my life and the walls are falling down all around me.  The thought of suicide continues to present itself and it continues to be a stupid option.  I can't think of anything else that will definitively end the pain in short order.  I know all would get better if I just do God's will.  But how can I do that when I can't even get  myself to go to the meeting?

Of course I am falling for my cuddlist, but I know beyond reasonable doubt that there is absolutely no chance of anything developing there.  She is a 20 something nice looking INTP.  A rare type but attractive and well formed.  Also, oh by the way, she doesn't do dudes.  So there's that. 

So I actually tried seriously to get to the meeting a few times recently; I just couldn't overcome the inertia.  There were no blockers, no sickness or alternative activity.  I just could not convince myself to get ready and go.  It's bad I know.  I don't understand why that happens.  I did read the text, Wt, and Bible today (2 chapters).  I am still supposed to watch about 10 min of JW TV this evening and read from my "Daniel" book, one more chapter.  I also listen to JW music in the shower now.  I figure it might subliminally turn my mind to good rather than evil.  I think that's really a thing now. 

God helped me break away from nrop recently.  About a month ago or so.  It's liberating not to be enslaved to that for a little while.  I don't know how long I'll last, but it will be nice for as long as I can hold out.  That stuff is really vile and nasty.  I am glad to be away from it for a while.  Of course I hope that this adjustment is permanent but then, it's me, and I trip easily.