Blah, Blah, Blah . . . Sh*t

Boinked a provider again last week.  A really nice person, very kind of heart.  We ended up talking for several hours I think because I was nice and listened.  And maybe partly b/c I brought along some wine and a pint of Jack Daniels.  We polished off the latter with, I might add, no adverse affects on performance.   It is the first time that a provider has willingly spent so much additional time with me. 

I'm not proud of what I've done,  pretty embarrassed more like it.  I just can't seem to navigate my way back to the organization.  Going to the meetings seems to be just an impossibility now.  I tried earnestly twice this week, Monday and Tuesday, and then I tried again half heatedly on Thursday.  Unsuccessful on all attempts.  One time I was going along and then I decided I might need to urinate.  I hate using the bathrooms at the KHall so that was enough.  The next time I was a little late.  Not for any good reason, I was just late.  Of course, I couldn't walk in there late right?  The last time I was "late."  That is I arrived at my bus stop later than I thought would be possible to make it to the meeting on time.  Yet I made it home (a lot farther away) before the meeting start time.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid" I say over and over again.  But I keep on doing the same d*mn thing.

I know God's son's ransom would cover my sins if I were to take the propitiatory actions.  Where I get stuck is making myself do those things.  All things I desperately do not want to do.  It's like trying to swallow medicine that can save your life but that tastes, smells and looks so bad you want to wretch.  So far I haven't been able to force myself to choke it down.  (Of course it is worth noting that in actual fact every one on the planet would be better off swallowing, bathing and swimming in all that is, and is related to this medicine; there is nothing patently negative about it in any way.  It doesn't stink.  So my aversion to it is yet another personal failure.)

I still pray occasionally.  Not daily like I once did but I really try to communicate.  I tell God these things and beg for his help.  I am sure he is, or has often, answering/answered my prayers.  It is just that I don't always perceive (or don't always remember perceiving)  those answers.  So it feels like it is useless to do so.  Of course intellectually I know that prayer is a very powerful and useful thing.  But it doesn't always seem like it to me.  Again, I am sure it is something that I am doing, feeling, sensing wrongly.  There is nothing wrong with God, although the agents he may choose to use are imperfect, he never lets us endure more than we should be able to take.

I have taken to force feeding myself spiritual music in the mornings.  I don't like the songs but I decided that I am just going to listen to them when I get ready.  Of course I counteract that by listening to my Goth Metal music occasionally at work.  Yea I know, "Stupid, stupid stupid."

I have found it practically impossible to focus at work today.  The day started at 7:00 AM with meetings.  I ate way too much today.  Don't know why really.  But right now I feel way too full.  A little sleepy as well, not unusual for me with a too-full tummy.  I am standing at my desk.  I am dreading the commute home.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  I just want to snap my fingers and be home.  Yea, don't we all right?  But no really I don't often feel this way.  Commuting is just kind of a normal thing.  I don't particularly dread it most days.  But today I want to throw in the towel and crawl under my desk and go to sleep.  Oh my goodness I so hate what I am today, really what I have been all my adult life.  I really can't think of any time that I have been happy.  Yea there were times when I have been less despondent, but happy?  No not really, well, not as I can remember.  There have been good moments:  When I was dating my ex before we got married, when I first started working for the Q, and maybe when I first started working for the "d".  But sh*t that was when I didn't know anything.

There are times now when I feel close to tears, I just start thinking about how bad things are now and how they are not going to change anytime soon.  I think i will end up leaving here in shame after another big screw up.  I can't imagine an orderly wind down.  It is just too much work.  I think I'll end up just visiting party city and home depot.  Then just draw the curtains on my life.  It just hurts too much.

On the other hand I'd finish with a long prayer, trying to explain to God why I am doing something he expressly forbids.  So I may end up avoiding it but I am really messed up inside now and that is the only solution that I see that is likely to happen.  Things will just naturally continue to devolve from here on out.  Cheer up dude, Armageddon is on the way, but, oh yea,  I'm very unlikely to survive that.  So no, things are not looking good.

Death March

Well lots has changed (negatively,) since the last post.  My mood is in the toilet and I think about suicide frequently.  I have had some negative things happen at work and it is becoming apparent that I just don't belong here and I never will.  Some of it, Ok well a lot of it is entirely my fault.  Some of it has to do with the fact that most people here treat me with very little if any, respect.  I have had to just accept the way people treat me since there seems to be nothing I can say to make it stop.  Arguing has a deleterious effect on what little relationship is left with my co-workers.  It has no good effect on the issue about which I am arguing.  As a matter of fact it usually ends up solidifying people in a position opposite the one I espoused.

The tax man has come demanding scores of thousands of dollars and I can't seem to deal with that well.  No real news there except that he/they have been raiding accounts and attaching property to get what they are owed.  I don't even know where anything stands.

So my job is for sh*t and I am all but broke.  I still use escorts so I can't get back in the truth and my addiction to porn is unmitigated.

Now my AC broke but I am too depressed to get it fixed so I am uncomfortable every night and day at home.  Of course my heat has been off for the last several years so I had been using portable heaters.  No need for them now.

Oddly I have made some progress getting my place more presentable.  I have my robot vacuums working now so the floor isn't grungy like it used to be.  Filing is actually happening but it is more like I have stopped receding as rapidly as I had been.  Well actually I am receding into a better organized mass of un-filed paperwork than before.

My blood pressure is very high again.  Something like 185 over 110.  Yikes!  But I don't have adequate concern to get to the Doctor about it.  Not even just to get my prescription refilled.  Oh, and I'm still gaining weight.  around 200 lb now.

I took some vacation recently.  It was really bad.  I did some good things.  I started working on fixing my boots that had the soul separating from the upper.  I fixed 2 watch bands to make them usable.

Someone was supposed to be painting my other house.  They keep getting side tracked.  I paid them fully for the work.  However somehow some way they are a couple of years behind schedule.  I don't understand, but I'm not angry.  I know the guy and he is basically a really good man.  Something must be going on with him I guess.  I guess I would be surprised if he is ripping me off.  But oh well.  that would be just another disappointment.  One of many I continue to have these days.

I am 1 + 5/12th years into my df and no meeting with the chieftans.  They are supposed to meet annually but I did not expect it to happen.   I missed  the twice annual meetings when the itinerant bog dog came around.  I really tried to make it and I was actually there for one of the meetings but I was so late and the meeting was so crowded I knew if I walked in there wouldn't be a seat for me in an inconspicuous location so I didn't bother going in.  Yea I know it was stupid to miss, but that's what I do.

I have started a new thing, forcing myself to listen to righteous music. I hate it, but it is like bad tasting medicine.  I know it's good for me.  I worry some times that I will just go running and screaming away from that music just like I do with meeting attendance.  For now I am still force feeding myself.  Whatever, it must be good for me right?

I haven't gotten my tooth fixed.  I have new cavities, My glasses are broken and have been for over a year.  I haven't gotten a new glasses prescription in a almost 3 years now.  My hair is basically all grey now and my eyes are constantly bloodshot.  Of course I am fat and getting fatter but we covered that before.

Yes, there is a lot further I could fall.  Life could be far, far worse than it is.  However the salient point is that, as far as I can tell, it is bad enough now that I am rather sure I wouldn't make it through Armageddon if it happens within the next several months.  Lately I have been almost literally retching at how distasteful my life is currently.  I am sure a new psychoactive medicine would make things better for a while.  Not really though, I'd just go through another cycle and end up right back here in a year or two if the system lasts that long,.

So it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix myself.  Hence the suicidal thoughts.

Ideas anyone?

Lethal Internet

So how to reboot my tired old self.  I really just don't know.  I say the same things over and over, study, meetings, prayer and service.  I have tried all these with varying degrees of success.  I can't seem to fire on all cylinders in the proper sequence for a long enough period of time to get back into the congregation.  Even when I was in the congregation I couldn't get it going long enough to convince anyone that I was sincere.  So I was always on my own.  No encouragement from anyone.  Of course the deacons "helped" by telling me how bad my problems were and telling me that I'm not doing enough.  It's not thier fault though.  It is mine.  Well me and those who assisted in my demise.  Of course as has been stated many times before in this blog,  I am the one with primary responsibility because God could have and would have given me all the help I needed if I had only asked and worked along with my request and stopped drinking poison while I tried to get better..

I suppose I don't really need a gun or a tank of helium to kill myself.  Internet access will do just fine.

The Recognized Beginning of the End

So I guess the beginning of the end was when began consistently making decisions to put my own interests ahead of God's.  That would be in High School when I decided to go to College instead of serving God full time.

Now I finally know and appreciate the gravity of that decision.  I am sitting outside God's organization and I can't find my way back in.  I have worked on and achieved partial success with a number of initiatives.  Studying more, reading the bible, going to meetings, prayer, watching Jw tv, listening to Jw music and so on.  However they are always short lived efforts and they are interspersed with  poisonous activity that counteracts the good that I would otherwise do:  immoral behavior, and entertainment. 

Now I am old, and people at work laugh at me behind my back.  They are openly rude to me in meetings and enjoy the opportunity to reject any suggestion I have.  Even the things I have accomplished are first minimized and then  quickly claimed by others.  They have no problem walking back what I built up. 

I am having my reckoning with my lack of action regarding past fiscal mistakes.  Basically everything I have done and accomplished that has been good in my life is washing away.  My life has been crumbling for the past couple of decades and now major fishers are opening that can't be covered over anymore.  I've lost my interest in everything.  I just don't care about much anymore.  All those things that I thought would be so important are just meaningless now. 

I really think I would do myself in were it not for the fact that I don't have the authority to take my own life.  That would be presumptuously taking my own judgment in to my hands.  God doesn't like it when people do that.  Of course Judas had no better choice, but, thankfully, I'm not as bad as he was.  Of course that leaves me plenty bad enough to warrant destruction from God, as far as I can tell.  But still that is not my call to make. 

So what that means is that even though I know, as well as one can know these things, that I am unacceptable to God and just waiting for the final adverse judgement, I can't do anything to hurry along the execution of that judgement.  All I can seem to do is to sit around waiting for God, or his appointed executioner, to bring me to an end.  I suppose I can hope that it is quick and does not involved torture and prolonged suffering, but I don't know if God grants deference to such like preferences. 

All I am is sad all the time.  I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself and my bad decisions.  I have lost hope of ever getting out of this mess on my own, and I don't have anyone I can reliably turn to for help.  They all are JW's who can't help me or they are not even remotely close enough to contact for this kind of help.  So here I sit, stewing in my own feelings of worthlessness and worry about being further exposed as the fraud that I am. 

When I was giving my Valedictorian speech from High School I mentioned Solomon's words about a time to laugh, to cry, to skip about etc.  For me it seems now would be a good time to die.  I have lost everything of value.  I realize that.  And now I just need to live out the rest of my life, for as long as God allows me to continue to exist, waiting for the time when he will pass judgement and mercifully bring this life to an end.  I just hate myself so very much.  I am such a complete and total failure.