Ranting for Days

So, I'm posting a lot right now.  Don't know why, nothing earth shattering going on.  I worked out for the first time in 7 days today.  I had to slow way down at one point during the resistance training b/c I was feeling so tired I was almost nauseous.  But I finished up and went on to the final endurance training.  I went 53 minutes.  Total calorie burn across both endurance training sessions was over 1000.  That's my goal.

Actually I have been feeling lousy all day long.  It's 2;00 PM and I just got some lunch.  I didn't eat much at all yesterday and I am hoping it is just hunger.  I'm eating a sandwich now hoping I'll feel better.  Of course I am still turning over the escort thing in my mind.  One gauge of how well money is spent is when you think about the experience, do you regret spending the money.  That has yet to happen.  Of course that makes me want to spend more money on escorts. The other thing is since I know Linda, I want to see her again.  And since I want to get to know Elly I want to do that before there is a price increase.  Maybe I should do both!

Well the sandwich went down well and I do feel better.  I think maybe it was really just that I had run out of the juice from the food I was eating earlier.  I need to really consider what my diet should be.  I try to eat as little as possible but I am apparently overdoing it.  The work out felt good otherwise though.  I am hoping I can get my butt back into a regular routine.  I got up super early today so I will be exhausted after the meeting and getting home late doesn't help.

Well my heart is reaching the tipping point.  I am just about to be overcome by my foolish reasoning.  I'm about to schedule time with both of them.  Not just yet, but if I peruse there sites just one more time then I may be ready.  There's also speed dating that I'd like to consider.  Not sure how that would work out.

Wednesday

So I didn't visit the site but my heart is working overtime on my mind.  I think it will get the upper hand, honestly.  It's not like I intend to have intercourse with either woman.  I think about them as individuals.  (I suppose that's part of the fantasy.)  Linda because I already know her and Elly because she is local and more accessible.  Also that I (hopefully) get grandfathered in at the lower rate.  Bad Idea, Makes no sense.  But that's what happens when the heart takes over.  I guess I'm the one with hooks in my jaws and I know who's on the other end of that line.  How could I be so stupid.  like they say, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Thursday

So here I am again.  what's up with this?  So the daily scripture I read this AM hit hard at me.  It was talking about the lures that Satan uses to entrap God's people.  It said the lures look appealing but there is always a hook in them.  Reminded me of my the paragraph I wrote yesterday.  I just can't seem to deal with this.  This gives me serious pause.  Of course the heart is now scheming to overcome this objection.  For right now the mind is winning.  What i am doing is playing with fire.  I will get burned.  I recall how silly I was when I was in school.  Thinking I was not going to suffer for doing what I  wanted to do rather than doing what God instructed me to do.  I have suffered and paid for those mistakes for years after.  I think the same thing might happen here.  I don't feel the hear from the fire yet.  It just looks like an attractive thing.  Shiny and beautiful.  Of course I can actually see the hook, it just looks soooooo good.  (That was the heart talking.)

Oh well.  The one convenient thing is that I strongly tend toward inaction.  I can't get in trouble if I don't respond, and that takes action.  I think of the money.  That also helps me get in the right mind set.  I need to dump assets.  What a mess I have gotten myself into.  Maybe if I go out with an escort or two, that will clear my head and I will be better able to get my self in line.  (Yes, I am sure I fell for that reasoning on many prior occasions.  Let's hope and pray that I won't do so again.)

Ok, well between the last paragraph and this one I snuck (sneaked?) off on another browser tab to find the measurements of Linda, my most recent escort.  I was thinking of buying a gift for her.  Of course if I did that then I would just have to see her, to give her the gift, of course.  Silly man.  Cunning heart.  I told you it was good at getting what it wants.  The mind needs to be stronger.

On a good note I worked out again today, for the 3rd time in as many days.  Sounds good until you understand that is also the 3rd time in 10 days.  Oh well, be happy for the small successes.  I was jamming nuts in my mouth on the way to the Gym.  I wanted to stave off that desperate feeling when the blood sugar gets so very low as had happened the day before.  Man that felt bad.  So I bought nuts and a salad and a couple of apples.  That really made a difference.

Oh well I gg.  Bye for now.

Friday

OK, so here's the latest.  My kid comes stumbling in at 3:00 AM and he's been out drinking with his buddies in JAX.   They are a bad influence of course, but I couldn't get mad 'cause I'm thinking about doing the same thing.  So we talked a little bit and I told her what she did was a mistake, but that I make mistakes too.  So I walked away from that conversation with the notion that, yea, the mind's going to win this round.

So I get at work and  a new AP advert comes in my email.  Start looking and lo and behold I'm buying the nickers to finish out a set that I had bought for my current favorite escort.  Now who's winning?

Monday

So I had my study with the Deacon.  I mentioned that I have done a lot of bad things.  He starts asking questions, I answer (what good does it do to hide) and now I am in the sh*t again.  Another committee probably.  They are supposed to talk to me on Tuesday evening to see if they need to form a committee.  And here we go again.  That just sapped my strength on Sunday PM.  Nothing left after that.  So again, I could get the boot.  Like before I simply have no idea how the deacons are going to react to this.  They could say, that's it! If we had known about this we would have df'd him a couple of months ago.  On the other hand they may see this as another issue that has to be judged separately.   Fortunately I didn't actually commit fornication, I just got close to it.  They seem to think that staying overnight is a big deal.  Like a really big deal.  So since I did that several times, I could see it being enough (in combination with the near ess eee cross) to give me the boot.

Of course, like before I hope it doesn't come to that.  It just seems like I am so close to the edge lately.  Now I am on this precipice again and I think I might go over this time.  Last time I thought I had a 55% chance of not getting the boot.  Now I think the probability is 45%.  I think they are all going to get together and say, holy cow, what is it with this guy.

The same notions are spilling out of my mind again, well, what if I get df'd.  Would I start accepting additional services from the escorts?  Probably, but that would not be my best self.  I would want to do better.  Same as before.  So here I am waiting for the boot again.  Lovely place to be.  For cryin' out loud.  This is certainly the sh*t again.

Treacherous Heart

I have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon.   This is the psychiatrist who gets to give me drugs.  I'm using this stuff called Effexor(sp?) rather than the Zoloft generic.  She thought it might be more effective.  I am not happy with it.  It comes in a capsule that makes me just a tiny bit nauseous.  I figured it would go away after a while but it hasn't.  And it doesn't have the effect of suppressing my ess eee cross ual appetite.   I want that, I suppose I can deal without it, but why not get it if I can.

I continue to look at escorts wanting and wishing I could go out with someone.  It is simply not sustainable.  I still want it badly and I may just do it anyway.  I know I would if Lilly came to town.  I like the freedom to talk about anything I want without being judged for my proclivities.  Oh, and being out with a beautiful woman is its own reward.  Interestingly I am trying to put together a home theater system and the components are, of course expensive.  Some are about the same price as taking out an escort of the sort I employ.  Now I come face to face with the real cost of this activity as I shell out similar amounts for electronics.  I ask myself, is a date worth the price of a big screen TV?  Oh my goodness, how can someone not give pause to such a query.  Especially since i don't own a TV in this home.

Then i sit alone in the bathroom looking at images of my favorite escorts.  Reviewing their web pages that haven't changed in months hoping that there is some new little bit of information about them.  Looking for new escorts I'd be willing to go out with.  When I find one, I look up as much information as I can find about her.  Trying to get to know her from the internet.  Dreaming about going out with them.  But it always comes down to cost.  I am not a wealthy man.  My finances are a mess.  I hate what is happening here.  I need companionship, I don't fret over the money I spent on previous escorts.  And I so badly want to do it again.  Oh well.  what else am I going to do.

Its Friday.

The day begins again and again there are new excuses as to why I'm not going in to work out.  Crap.  One work out this week.  How pathetic.  Nothing to do but start fresh next week.  I have that thing for my cousin tomorrow.  Long trip, party with people I don't know.  Long trip home.  It won't be much fun, but it will be good experience in people interaction.

I have suddenly been thinking about sex a lot.  I don't know why and it is sudden.  Started this week and it is very typical visualizations.  Me with a beautiful woman.  Interesting because it rose so suddenly.  I am usually thinking about it one way or another all the time.  Come to think of it it started after I had worked out only 1 day in the last 5 days.  Interesting,  I don't work out and the thoughts of sex come back to flood the brain.  In other words, I if I don't want to be bothered with sexual thoughts, just work out daily.   Interesting discovery.

I will get some chemical help soon.  I'm going back to Zoloft.  It suppresses the appetite (sexual appetite.)  Dang, with that and working out (if I can get my *ss back to the gym) I should be ready for judgement day.  Just Kidding!  I have to fix the issue with fs first and then probably a bunch of things that I hardly know about.

Honestly, I feel like I am starting to come out of the Depression.  I hope I get back to normal but I am a long way from it.  I really miss having adult human association.  I miss adult human female romantic association.  Sometimes I feel like I just have to reach out and find a way to satisfy that need, hence the escorts.  The cost is simply unsustainable.  While I can come up with cash in that quantity, I need to spend it on a new roof, painting the house, cleaning the inside, and so on and so forth.

I feel sad now.  This weekend isn't my own.  I have to go with my brother to my cousin's place.  Yawn.  But I like him.  He is a really nice guy, I just don't know him hardly at all.

So I went to this retirement party, lo and behold it was great.  People were interesting to talk to and it was relatively easy for me to strike up a conversation.  There were about 50 people there and there were 2 bands, playing sequentially.  The food was good and such.

Monday

I kept largely to the driving schedule, but I faked out on the meeting on Sunday and my bible study that was supposed to happen after the meeting.  Another miss.  I am sure it was because I was watching some sexually explicit Showtime TV.  In other words I was raking fire into my chest. And surely I was burned.  I continue to think about renting another date.  I have decided on a person and am waiting for me to work up the courage (or stupidity) to make and keep an appointment. Her reviews are outstanding and price is lower than expected for such quality.

It is interesting to watch my heart struggle against my mind.  I know this is a bad idea bur my heart keeps me looking at her web site.  Eventually I will cave in to my heart's desire.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.  I know that if Linda were to show up I would probably cave.  If Lilly showed up I would definitely cave.  The interesting thing is that I resist for the wrong reason.  I look at the cost and realize what I could buy with that money.  That's probably the biggest thing that blocks.  I will never have this kind of truly disposable income.  I don't remember what figure I gave before but I think it was somewhere around 30 million USD.  After tax and IRS and discounting for cashing out I'd probably be left with about 8 million.  Enough for 2 nice homes a vehicle and to live off the interest.  Then there would be a fair test of my loyalty.  Would I actually serve God in that situation?  Again, who knows?  Well God certainly knows, if he wants to.  I don't.  But I have to get better.  Study meetings prayer and service.  That's what it takes.  I only have meetings mostly under control.  Even prayer, the easiest one, is out of control.  Mostly I am not doing it.  *Sigh*  I hate this.  And what is left is this hole in my heart that going on a date with a beautiful woman would fill temporarily.  But at tremendous cost that I cannot afford.

Random Thoughts and Frustrations

I have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon.  When I left him a couple of weeks ago I decide I was going to go straight after match and speed dating in spite of the fact that it is heavily discouraged by the church.  Not quite on pain of excommunication as are some of the other things I have contemplated and actually done.

Nonetheless, despite my intentions, I find (as indicated in the previous post) I can't do it.  I can't bring myself to go against that advice.  Even though I want to.  I just won't do it.  I don't know if it is rank laziness or respect for the church.  Either way it isn't happening.

So I was talking to my son and thinking that maybe we can make our own party, since no one wants to invite us to theirs.  We can invite people we want to meet and have snacks and watch a really good movie or TV from a dvd.  Maybe there could be some conversation afterward but anyway, there's something.  Of course we don't have a TV or audio system to make watching TV a meaningful event.  So we have started to remedy that situation.  The other thing is that we need to clean up and get organized.

Of course the other thing I was going to do  is call the Tax person.  No go on that either.  So, again, maybe now that the meds are running stronger I can fix that as well in coming weeks.  I think that a lot of the "feel better" factor is coming from the working-out that i've been doing.  It does make me feel better about myself.  I noticed for the first time last weekend that I felt like looking nicer than I usually do at church.  I actually wore a nicer jacket, one I hadn't used in a long time.

So what should I do in the coming weeks:

1. Call the tax man
2. Finish specifying the AV System
3. Start putting cr*p away to clean up the living and family room.
4. Properly store my camera stuff
5. Plan and execute a photography excursion
6. Plan my PTO coming up in June 27
7. Get my Bike ready to ride.  I'd like to work up to a full trail length ride.

I guess it's good that I am at least thinking of these things where as for a long time I couldn't seem to bring myself to do that.

So what am I going to talk about?

My failures to move
My medication success (working w/o Music)
Putting things on the shelf:

1. Dating Women

Trying again with the church
1. TV Night

Other plans
1. Tax
2. Family

Monday

The meeting with my Psychologist went well.  I talked about the fact that I'm not going to move forward with match and speed dating and that I have to try again with the congregation.  I mentioned TV night and trying to be more friendly at the khall.  She suggested I be aware of my facial state, not looking angry or mad, but open and kind.  I can remember driving to the hall trying to relax my face. But when I got there the tension of walking inside resulted in my totally forgetting about it.  I ended up talking  a lot with Chuck Gibson.  Nice guy and easy to talk to.  But he approached me rather than the other way around.

The kid and me went to the NSO and it rocked the house down.  Truly awesome concert.  They played Ravel's Bolero and it was one of the more impressive things I have heard in recent memory.  I think maybe Orff's "O Fortuna" topped it, but that's a special case.  We talked about doing some Ballet in April but I'll have to look that up and see what's available and, of course the price of the tickets.

Tuesday
And I didn't work out today.  I woke up on time but felt unusually tired.  So, after much hand wringing I decided not to.  It was a mistake of course.  I should have worked out.  Well, this is how the demise of any positive regimen starts.  Skip here, miss there and before long I will justify not going at all.

I'm frustrated.  My old nemesis is back now.  And I want ess eee cross again.  Trying to justify in my mind seeing an old or new escort.  As many times as I convince myself that I should not on so many levels, I keep coming back to the fact that it is the ONLY fun I have these days.  NOTHING else is enjoyable or satisfies like it.  Whatever though.  I can't do this.  It's too costly and dangerous.  Once I've won 20 MM USD then OK I'll see an escort regularly.

All Over the Place

I am just so damn tired of all this.  I know beyond reasonable doubt:

1. I'm not gonna do match.
2. I'm  not gonna do speed dating.


So the other possibilities are:

1. Will the drugs help me to do 1 or 2 above?  Hopefully the answer is no 'cause I shouldn't do either
2. Dancing
3. Taxes
4. House in Mvle  (Painting Doors Interior Cleaning Fix Windows, Fix Lawn, Fix Drainage in the front, blah  blah blah)

Oh yes and the 800# Gorilla in the room:  How the hell am I going to get my very self out in FS again?

Oh yea and don't forget the other stuff that goes along with it:  Study (meetings, personal, remedial, bible reading) Meetings (Sunday, Tuesday, assemblies, etc ) (check!)  Prayer (meals, distress, regular communication morning noon night) that go along with service.  It is just an impossible task list.  I'll die just trying to coax myself to start.

Of course with God all things are possible, though it seems apparent that he doesn't want this to happen, at least not right now.  No plans, No thoughts.  It's all just sh*t now.

Honestly I don't see any of these things happening in a reasonable time frame.  I can't fix this.

A few days later.

The pills are here, and I one of each yesterday and one of each this AM.  I really hope it helps.

I am really very sleepy this AM.  I'm not sure what kept me awake last night but I was not sleeping soundly most of last night.  I am doing that thing where I stair at the monitor and sitsleep.  I do have coffee and I had 3 (count 'em) 3 oranges for breakfast.  They were really OK but not the best I've had.

I attended an "Essentialist" course.  Interestingly JW's have been focusing on that kind-of for a while now.  Just get the needs.  He doesn't advocate asceticism, just the elimination of those things that are truly nonessential to your own goal.

He suggests that having an "off-site" with yourself can help you determine what your purpose in life is and  plan your way to get there.  He suggests 3 - 8 hours, or some such.  I think this is good advice.  I got his book; I ordered it yesterday and it came today.  I read the intro just a minute ago.  Seems like it will be a good read.  It turns out he collaborated on another book I liked:  Multipliers.

This is a great resource.  I just hope I can do something with it to actually make a difference in my life.

Anyway I've been taking the drugs for 3 days now.  No discernible difference other than the Wellbutrin making my hands shake a bit.  Drugs took 2 weeks to get here from the time I snail mailed the order.

Its the weekend now.

Still taking the drugs and little effect noted.  I did stop watching TV at noon today and as of 5:30 haven't turned it back on.  Maybe that is one effect.  Who really knows.  I'm sure I'll turn it back on before I go to bed.

This is a junky post.  I suppose I have really nothing to say.  It is just that I have put so much hope in the drugs and I want to report progress.  Truthfully, it is still early and I can't expect much given the way these drugs operate.  You have to take them over a long period of time for the drugs to build up in your system.

A week and a half into the drugs.  This week for the first time in a long time I was able to work the entire day without listening to music.  I don't sense any depression of the sex drive.  But who knows.

On Tuesday of this week a new problem cropped up.  I was absolutely exhausted after my work out and felt tired and sleepy all day.  So I didn't work out on Wednesday and eventually felt better.  Worked out again on Thursday (today) and I have felt sleepy all day long.  Of course I read up a little on what working out too hard does to you and guess what?   Being tired all the time is one of the symptoms.  I guess I need to take it easier.  I don't want to.  Maybe I'll just keep pushing myself until I can do all this.  Body will respond eventually.