So I am still here bloated belly and all. I still HMS, no surprise there. I feel like I might after a very long workout. Yes you can drag yourself into the shower and do the perfunctory business, but you feel exhausted; raising your arms is a chore. I feel mentally exhausted with working for a living. I know that I need a long break. Looking forward to that. Much work to do in the meantime, though.
I was up at 2:00 AM today. couldn't sleep due to an impending deadline. Feeling the pain of such an early rise right now.
I guess I don't have too much to say now. I am OOC on my diet. Spirituality is at a really deep low. Spending fast and loose. Cars breaking, needing tires and stuff. What a mess. I am afraid to mention other things that seem to be going not to badly for fear that I will break that as well. F*ck!! IHMS.
I don't like using language like this. I prefer to express myself more eloquently. Using the correct word that expresses my sentiments precisely. However I am not a writer, not one with broad vocabulary such that the precisely correct word animates my fingertips as the emotion rises. So I resort to street language. A poor choice, but it gets the message across. Of course another message comes right along with the intended message. Oh, this guy is just an ignorant street thug. Well ignorant may be correct, certainly ignorant of a better choice of words. "Street thug?" Hardly. I wouldn't survive 2 1/2 minutes on an inner city street. Enough of that SOC.
Back at work on Saturday. Still can't develop the motivation needed to get myself working productively. Oh well.
Big leap forward to Thursday. I feel like I am just falling again. Loosing all the things I tried to work through, spiritual progress (and all the meetings, prayer, study, etc . . . ), eating too much, watching nrop, not working hard enough, living like a pig, derelict houses. It tears at my psyche. Everything drags me down. Now my kid is living with me. Trying to be a good pattern for him in some ways helps, and it feels like more pressure/pain. His mother has just thrown up her hands and said, you handle it. In some sense that is good because she is so awful at it. Of course she allowed him to fall as far as he did and then she hands him back to me.
I even stopped trying for a while, but it is like a walking motion. You keep striding in your sleep. Even when presented with obvious chances for sex, I refused or somehow screwed up the opportunity. But I am coming to realize again that this situation is all but hopeless. God wants more than what I am willing to give. He wants exclusive devotion. Certainly that's reasonable. He created us, so he gets to set the standard for what is acceptable to him. He wants us to be happy; He wants what is best for us.
I continue to decide against God's standards and do things that are diametrically opposed to his measure of correctness. So when I run to his congregation, I bounce off. All Satan has to do is just put a small object (doesn't even have to be very bright or shiny) in or along side and just off my intended path and I take that tangent as it arcs rapidly away from the one God would have me follow. It goes down rabbit holes that are murderously hideous and complicating. My life is like a labyrinth of missed opportunities and failed chances. The rest is a complicated web of left over attempts at careers that failed or stalled. Nothing ever works out well. I am just so thoroughly ashamed. But shame is a selfish emotion. I just have to get over that. But how?
Every solution is a long and complicated path. Several things have to go right for a long time before I get back on a good and decent and reasonably correct course, even if it includes, as I anticipate, paying back a 300,000 dollar debt.
I just hate what has become of me. I can't help but realize my problems, but I can't overcome them either. There seems to be only one constant solution that gets me out of this with a level of complexity that I can really handle.
I hoped that it would work out with the "truth." But the committee is just so intent on not opening that stinking festering box which my case has become. I think that they just want to keep ignoring it, replacing it with other important business, of which there is a superabundance. So the box remains closed, stinking and festering further. So far 3 separate CO's (Read: super elders such as those who sat on my censorship committee) have tipped the lid on the case at various stages of putrefaction. In most cases they didn't know what they were dealing with and never got the full sense of the problem before they started dispensing the "general" advice: "read your bible, go tot he meetings, study for them and go out in FS." Of course if all I needed was this advice, I really wouldn't need their help. I have known the magic formula "study, meetings, prayer, service" for decades. As any long term reader knows, the issue is to put it into practice. How do I get myself to actually do it. And how do I avoid the pitfalls that are carefully positioned along that path?
I am concluding that I am just not what God wants. It is not that He doesn't love me. He loves everyone. It is just that I have disqualified myself due to my own error. My addiction to badness precludes the level of assistance that would be needed to help me overcome this. God has forgiven people who have sinned deeply. However there are two outstanding factors that make my case severe. 1) I know better. Having known the "truth" for so long, I know when I am screwing up and choose to do it anyway. 2) I am addicted to the badness. 3) I repel other people. Most never get to know me. It isn't a known and conscious thing. It comes naturally. It isn't just as respects people in the religion, the same thing happens at work, even though I don't want it to.
The thing about these voluntary committees is that the people on them often don't stay in the same place. Of my original committee 2/3 of them have gone. Even of the replacement members (there always have to be 3), 2/3 of those replacement members are gone again. This case has been alive so long that there is more information forgotten about the original issues than can be reintroduced at any given meeting. So they sit around and look at the current situation, guess at the past and come to conclusions, that can me made before getting tired of talking about it. I'm there for part of the meeting. But based on the overly general questions they ask, they themselves are not focused. They do ask some specific and focused questions, but they don't seem to respond to the answers. It's just OK well you know you need to read your bible and study more. Usually that means kicking the can down the road (unless one of the CO's just scolded them for the age of the case.) I feel a sense of injustice being done against me, but I also know that if these people have errored, it is not intentional. They are really doing the best they can in the context of the rest of their lives. And if, maybe, they are taking short-cuts and aren't giving adequate consideration, who am I to judge them. God lets it happen, quite possibly because he doesn't want me back anyway. Bad fruit may be automatically rejected for the wrong reasons, but the decision is nonetheless correct.
It reminds me of the double error that resulted in coming to 1914. It was the right year, for two of the wrong reasons, but does that matter?
So why don't i just give up, give in to Satan and just totally abandon the desire to do God's will? Well, the reward is pretty awesome if I could myself operating correctly. 2) I would be happier now if I did so. 3) my kid would benefit from a good role model and would quite possibly die from a bad role model, as is currently happening. On the other side of the coin, what I am doing now is so freaking painful. Every day I wake up to my failures. I can't get even two steps in the correction before failing again and incurring all the frustration that brings about.
One of the reasons I can't seem to get of my posterior is that I am in depression's deadly embrace of despair and hopelessness. As you can see the situation is pretty hopeless. Yes, I know, "with God all things are possible." But this has been going on for almost 8 years now. I am not moving forward, rather, I am receding from the goal of returning to God. Is this an elaborate test? Yes and No. It is a test, and as it is happening, it is allowed by God. However God will give us the strength to endure tests if we are faithful. I am not enduring, hence I am not faithful. I am being further damaged as time goes on. I am failing the test. I have been looking for ways to pass the test and I am failing.
I reach out to little known friends in the hope of building relationships. The reach is pathetic and fails in all cases. But God wants me to use that energy reaching out to his organization. I haven't abandoned the attempt. I do go to meetings frequently. I study to varying levels of intensity but less rather than more. The point is that I have not given up entirely. I just don't try hard enough. I know part of the reason I don't try hard enough is depression. But that's not the whole story b/c If I gave this my best effort I would succeed. God wouldn't allow Satan to suffocate me for 8 years unless I was complicit.
So I have managed to strike that balance where I hang around this religion, sucking down the resources of its senior staff (elders) and giving nothing (except money, which I won't give to the local congregation choosing to send it to NY instead) in return. I wish there was a way to bring this to a close. But, I don't know how to make that happen. It's all so complicated. But then again, it really isn't.
What it really comes to is this: I don't want to do God's will. When I don't I get mad and look for others to blame, and there the elders are. So my life is forfeit. There's no ransom left for me. The longer I live the more I get in the way of my kid, who seems to want to do God's will. Or in the way of my ex. I should clear the path and stop stumbling them. It's time for the final solution.
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