Too Much To Overcome

I am feeling overwhelmed again.  I visited my house and there is a huge volume of work needed there.  I have a giant the IRS looming over my shoulder wanting hundreds of thousands of dollars from me.  I just can't carry on.  This hurts and the pain isn't going away.  I am cut and damaged.  There isn't a way out.  I am suspicious any time I am feeling a little bit good, because I know it is only temporary.  The truth of my awfulness will eventually come flooding back to my real and conscious mind.  It just makes everything worse.

I want it to all end, but I can't make that happen.  I am too much of a coward to take the final solution.  I feel like I am being dragged behind a truck.  fast enough to keep up with running, but too fast for me to be able to keep up the pace for much longer if at all.  I stumble and misstep, while am not having the skin ripped from my body by asphalt, I just know it wont' be long before that happens.

How the image of nice things holds for more than a nanosecond in my mind is amazing.  I just can't believe my mind even goes there.  God, I hate what I have become.  I wish I had never left you.  But that option was closed 35 years ago.  Shit, has it been that long?  Actually, it has been a few years longer.  When one of those famous deep space probes turned around and photographed the earth, it showed just how insignificant the globe is in the grand scheme of things.  Now I think of myself on that globe and I realize that I am less than nothing.  Just a molecule in a glass of water, in a little town, in the country, in the world, in the solar system, in the galaxy, galaxy cluster, known universe.

I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, but I can't seem to be successful, and it seems like it doesn't matter now.  God moves on when individual servants fail him.  He will not have his will paused by someone stupid like me, nor should he.  God what can I do anymore.  It seems like just nothing.

Human Interaction

So I did see the woman last weekend and spent all day Saturday there.  Then she comes over on Sunday and says to me that the Brothers told her I shouldn't be seeing her at all.  She's right, I never should have started.  I wanted to reach out for some human companionship and that was my outlet.  Not it's gone.  No Humans Allowed for me; I suppose it would be ok to communicate with aliens.

It is getting bad now.  I don't know why I am thinking about my problems all the time; the cloud is coming back.  I hate myself.

I went to the meeting last night.  It was as bad as I remember.  People look down and away when I walk past or they pretend they don't see me.  I have to do something different but I don't know what to do.  Maybe if I could figure out how to use them to get what I need.  Like a study partner to bounce ideas around.  It would be easier and simpler if I just ended it all.  And the remaining world would be a better place.  I mean really who am I kidding, certainly not God.  I'm never going to get this right.  And even if I did for some period of time, it won't last long before I stumble over some minor or major issue Satan throws in my path.  She needn't even be all that pretty.  Hell, she needn't be real.

It won't be long before the self hate is waking me up at night.  I look forward to sleep where I can "forget about life for a while."  I plunge myself into work so I don't have to think about my crap life.  Not that life is crap, it can be wonderful.  It is just that what I made of my life is crap.

Stuck

So I got this new computer.  It works mostly but the external monitor connection is broken.  Instead of the rush to fix, I am just taking it on the chin.  Oh well I say.  It works mostly.  I just can't fight the problems anymore.  My first thought, after denial, anger, depression, acceptance, is to buy another one.  Damn, what a sap I have become.  I truly hate what I am.

Oh well another crap day ahead.  I just have to suck it up and get urinated upon by the people in this job.  I truly hate it.  I just can't get out of the way or even raise a hand to block the stream. 

The woman wants me to come over this weekend.  I probably will.  Not because I enjoy the punishment of being with someone like that.  it is because I cannot stand the loneliness of being without anyone.  It is like eating food laced with poison.  After a while you just get so hungry, you know it is killing you but you do it anyway.  And, to keep the analogy alive, the perfectly healthy food is just sitting right there, ready for consumption.  However you eschew that banquet because it all tastes awful.  But there really isn't anything wrong with the food, it is just the witches brew I am drinking now makes healthy food taste awful. 

I just have to stiffen my resolve and start going to the meetings.  But then it's not "just."  It is an extremely difficult thing to do.  Being surrounded by people all happily chatting and having a wonderful time, while I sit there with no one willing to talk to me is just too difficult to manage.  I am the oil and the congregation is aqueous.  We don't mix.  Again it's my fault.  I truly hate myself.  I am fat, old and ugly.  I have bad teeth and red eyes.  I disgust myself.  I just can't keep this up.

The Bitch is Back

So, I wrote the last post a couple of weeks ago.  This one is more of the same I guess.  I am getting more involved with my ex-wife.  We are dating again, not out of direct intent, it is just that I have no one else that seems to want to talk to me and she is willing so .  .  .  I am not in love with her anymore.  But she represents companionship where otherwise I have none.  Hence the draw. 

I understand, know (as well as one can, these things) that I should not see her anymore.  But we consistently have to be together to deal with our children gone wild.  And that interaction has led to further discussion and dating.

The additional contact has led me to see that she can be very nice, but that she still has an ugly side.  Instead of saying what she wants she manipulates me to offer what she wants so that she doesn't have to ask.  She wants to be her own self, make up her own mind and spend her own money, and she wants a sexual partner as well.  All fine by me if I wasn't trying to be a good Christian.  I don't think I will ever want to marry this woman again.  However I am a lonely old fat man and I don't resist the temptation to see her.

I still spend every morning and evening reviewing why I hate myself.  Of course when I review why God will kill me in the near future it validates my self hate.  When I reflect on the fact that God has given me everything I need for a happy and wonderful life and I took what he provided and rejected it, I feel even more intense frustration and hate.  And what puts me over the top is that all I need to do is turn back go God and he will forgive me and take me back (if it isn't already too late.)  That just chaps me right past the limits of endurance.  I really hate this.