And Down We Go Again

 

It has been several months since my last post.  I keep toying with new medications, but nothing helps.  I nearly died when one of the medications severely reduced my night vision.  I almost crashed into the back of a semi-truck.  I think God saved me there.  

So, I just got a blast of motivation.  I invited a sugar baby over to my place for dinner & cuddles.  I don't know why that has given me such a boost.  But I am going through the condo and throwing out all kinds of useless stuff I had been keeping. 

Weeks before that I fixed the hot water heater (after years of cold showers) I can't tell if I am coming out the other side of all this depression.  Ever the pessimist, I don't think so, but I remain hopeful.  

For the last 2 weeks I have been reading the text and doing a chapter of bible reading consistently.  I don't know how much longer this will last.  I guess it is possible that this may help explain my motivation rise.  There was such a blast after I made the appointment with the SB that I still believe that was a factor.  

In any case I started getting some work done on my house in SOVA.  Roof, basement sealing and some interior cleaning.  Next up are the cabinets.  Sanding, priming, painting.  I got a new 'fridge delivered.  I had to make a cut-out in the cabinet for it to fit.  It does just barely.  

I am really worried I will screw my SB which would put the whole reinstatement thing back a year or so.  After the denial last year around this time, I went back into porn and haven't felt ready to try for reinstatement again.  If I can stay away from the porn I will try again in April.  However, if I end up screwing the SB, that will be off the table.  I pray about this, but I keep working against my prayers.  

I plan to go to a meeting today in person.  I can't imagine that going well.  Just more humiliation.  I know that the reinstatement board will think that is important.  Maybe it is, I just don't really know.  

It is super interesting sitting back and watching my myself flail around trying to get back into the truth.  It is not going well.  I can't seem to fix it.  I will see if I can keep with the text and bible reading.  However, getting to meetings is turning out to be really difficult.  

I get mentally exhausted during the day and typically have to take a nap at 5:30 or so.  That usually lasts until about 8:00 - 8:30 which makes meeting attendance impossible.  I have tried just staying awake, but the exhaustion is just overwhelming.  

I don't think I will make it.  I am just performing too poorly.  I can hardly imagine being clean enough to get back in much less being ready to do FS.  

***  The next day  ***

Well, I missed the meeting.  I decided not to go in person after getting of the metro.  Then I decided not to attend virtually.  I was just so mentally exhausted.

Somehow the urge to clean this place up has continued.  I have a bunch more boxes lined up for dispatch.  Garbage is picked up on Friday so I plan on having a mother-load of items for removal.  

I really want to spend a lot of time talking to the SB.  She seems pretty interesting but in the initial meeting I found her hard to talk to.  Not that she was resistant in any way, it is just that I had to carry the conversation.  

Maybe I'll list some talking points for our meeting.  I already had a couple of items:

1. How do you protect your health in this business?

2. How many SD's do you manage at the same time?

3. Propensity to do business events?

4. Travel arrangements

         a. Vacation?

        b. Do you like the beach

5. Why did you respond to my profile

6. What were you like when you were in high school?

7. What have you learned about men in this business?

8. What are a couple of your strongest assets as a human?

** One or two Weeks Later **

Scratch all that crap above.  The woman (not the first depiction to come to mind) canceled on me twice.  So I feel like sh*t now.  I'm glad it happened because it would have set me back spiritually so far if I did meet with her.  However, I am most unhappy now.

I am again unmotivated to do anything.  Even working is difficult.  It all just seems so pointless.  In actual fact it is pointless.  No one is going to care after Armageddon.  The only thing that is critical is being obedient and surviving through God accepting my service and granting me passage.  The more I commit serous sins (like fucking that woman) the less likely that will happen.  So, I am happy that she canceled.  Even though I thought that maybe we wouldn't have sex, I believe that we would have.  

I was exercising every morning for a couple of weeks.  This is day 4 when I didn't do so.  I was reading the text and reading a chapter in the bible for maybe a couple of weeks.  That stopped something like a week ago.

I'm just going downhill now.  I don't see an escape ramp coming up anytime soon.  But I don't see what God sees so I'm back to "I don't know what to do."

Never Again

 

I am not feeling overly dejected for having my application for re-establishment of myself into the congregation denied.  I think it may be more impactful than I know.  I want to use dejection as an excuse to return to the self-pleasing practices that got me kicked out in the first place.  The draw there is still pretty strong.  

My long(ish) term escort trashed me to her friends on Twitter.  I still feel pained over that.  I really thought we were, well, more friendly than that.  I know we aren't friends.  But I don't think it was kind.  But thinking of myself critically, I could see myself doing something similar.  I don't want to admit that, but I have been rather unkind in the past.  Nonetheless, that is helping me to stay away from her.  It also reminds me that many others of that ilk are equally, if not more unkind than she has been.  

How I get myself to do God's will all the time is unknown to me.  

It is morning now.  I need to start working.  I have found it very difficult to get engaged in work today.  I tried to start working a couple hours ago, but I just didn't get going.  

And I'm back after a couple of nonblogging months.  It is June now.  The last two have been pretty bad.  I quit going to meetings regularly, and I watch porn every other week.  It is sad.  I truly hate what I have turned into.  I can work pretty well.  The medication allows me to start early and work well until about 3:00 PM.  It is hard to be productive after that, but since I begin between 5:00 and 6:00, I am confident I am putting in an honest work day. I even spent a couple of hours working this past Sunday.  

I can't seem to do anything else, though.  I have gotten used to doing grocery shopping on Saturday AM.  

My son needs money for therapy.  250 clams per hour-long session.  Oh well.  I hope it helps.  She seems to suffer a lot.  

Work is, well, interesting.  My next challenge is a BA who is so sensitive if I think an unkind thought, she complains to her boss.  (who complains to his boss, who complains to my boss, who complains to me.)  What a crazy messed-up system we have to work out problems.   

I am sorely tempted to fall back to the old ways.  Cuddling is not available.  Tinder, A. Madison doesn't work well for me.  I genuinely hate where I am.  The deacons did hand me back to Satan when they rejected my application.  But, of course, this is my own damn fault.

** Long Break**

It is the middle of July now.  I took all of last week off for vacation.  I went nowhere.  I did basically nothing.  I kept trying to do stuff, and my mind refused to cooperate.  I read books, watched TV, and that's about it.  

Coming back to work this week, I feel much better.  I can work hard and steady for longer now.  It's a great feeling.  

However, I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that I may never be able to get work at home done anymore.  It has been 18 years since I have been gripped by this depression.  I can work but do nothing else.  

I even asked the bitch for help.  Imagine that.  After all the shit I took from her, connected to asking for help.  Appropriately she ignored my text.  NEVER AGAIN.

I am heartbroken that my plea for reunification was unsuccessful.  Of course, I dropped back into porn again.  I keep thinking I need to be 3 months clean to request reinstatement.  So that puts me in mid-October.  Of course, I probably will fail to make that goal and will be lucky if I am 3 months clean by 2023.  

I also toyed with hiring an escort with the hope of some serious and unscriptural intimacy (if the escort will allow.)  I just have to quit that.  I don't know if I ever will.  Damn, I sure hope so. 

The new convention videos are available now.  Maybe if I can get on board with that, I can claw back some lost ground.  Based on my performance to date, I doubt it, but I still hope to get something going.  

I am just such a piece of crap.  

I Read

 

What a steaming pile my life is.  

I can't tear myself away from looking for a proper companion for dinner & conversation.  

Break

I submitted my plea for readmission.  Fortunately, no emolument is required for such.  Just send an email and wait for the board to call me in for a hearing.  I imagine it will take a month or so.  But they might surprise me and do so within a week.  

I know that I will face a big problem since I have not been as consistent going to services as they would feel is ideal.  I plan to tell them that I am doing the best I can.  I decided to answer questions as simply as possible.  Also, I will try despirately not to get sucked into an arguement.  If they make a statement like "It doesn't sound reasonable" rather than being defensive, I will simply be silent (if I can hold my tongue.)  

They have a couple of times got me going with a statement with which I don't agree.  Then I get all upset and make statements that "seem" rebellious.  It is like they were trying to pick a fight.  

For cryin' out loud!  Enough of that.

Work has been interesting lately.  With the former boss from hell gone I am getting some interesting work going on.  Unfortunately, that boss's boss has been displaying his utter lack of software development understanding resulting in a lot of extra work for me.  In the meantime, I am trying to take advantage of a recent cash neutral policy to get a bunch of projects approved.  OMG that is so much work with the write ups and the financial justification.  Putting the write-ups in the proper format for them to see is really a pain.  Mostly it is just so time consuming.  

Depression is still kicking my butt.  I can't do anything around the house.  Even just applying Rain-X to the windshield of my car is difficult.  I have had that task on my list for a couple of weeks now.  I have new wiper blades and just installing them (as easy as they are to install) is turning into an exercise in procrastination.  Everything is like that.  Work is fine but nothing else works.

I feel like I need just a little help and then things would go so much better.  However, there is no one around to help, except God.  I have spent my life (especially recently) running away from Him so I can't expect him to swoop in and magically sort & file all my old paperwork.

And then there's the women.  I have no one to talk to so I still use escorts to do dinner dates.  I hope the board doesn't ask about that.  They will surely reject my application if they do and then another 3 - 6 months of sitting on the outside.  Of course, if I am admitted back into the church, I still have the issue of people not wanting to talk to me.  This particular church has changed a lot though.  There are so many people now that I never met before, so there is a chance.  I am not ready to do the volunteer work.  That is where I have the highest likelihood of getting to know someone in a friendly way.  And if you don't volunteer, then something is wrong with you.  That makes most people stay away.

I do read a lot.  That is the only thing I like about myself now.

Reflecting

I have been avoiding porn for a couple of months now.  One more and I will submit my plea for reunification with the congregation.  

I expect that they will find some reason to keep me out a few more months but that seems to be how it goes based on my limited experience with reinstatement pleas.  The lack of statistically significant sampling means I really don't know what is going to happen.  One thing is sure.

I will answer all their relevant questions.  I will offer no more than the answer to such questions.  I will insist on specific questions rather than try to answer buckshot questions like:  "How's it going?"  I feel I have been bated into saying things that are misunderstood.  I am determined not to let that happen again by focusing on the answers to relevant questions.

I expect them to argue that I am not being forthcoming however that is easily countered if I answer all the relevant questions.  

I am of mixed opinion as to whether to record the session.  It seems normal and fair given the fact that they make a record.  Actually, that seems to say it all right there.  I thought it would evidence a lack of trust in God to do so.  But then again, wouldn't that be true of them as well.  I am surprised I considered this for so long without reaching a decision before now. 

I am still trying not to use escorts.  However, a few things are working in that direction.  

1. I am on a anti-depressant that diminishes the sex drive.  
2. I am becoming acutely aware of the cost of such exploits.  
3. I am freshly reminded of outstanding liabilities.  
4. I have prayed for assistance and believe it is working

These items, most especially the last, have pinched off that habit.  While I would still make platonic appointments, the fact that I am black, fat, old and ugly has effectively eliminated that option.

I am still beset by the total lack of friends.  I do not anticipate that returning to the congregation will alleviate that problem, given the fact that I faced the same issue for over a decade when I was still a part of the congregation.  I think maybe after a few years, or after I move again, I'll have a chance to form a new friendship.  I just don't see that happening soon.

I am still dealing with depression.  It manifests itself with a near total lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile.  I hate that.  I used to be so productive.  It is like more than a decade of my life has been stolen from me since I can make no further progress my private aspirations.  Of course, that makes no sense.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I am fielding the result of my earlier behavior.  I am the one primarily to blame here.  Hence the self-loathing of which I have often spoken.

Yawn, More of The Same -- Why I'm Spireitually Dead

 

I can't even tell if I am being lazy or if my depression is preventing work.  I just don't feel like doing anything.  

I realized that I have been booted around all my life and very few have even tried to befriend me.  And because I never had any real friend, I didn't know how to respond to those who tried to befriend me.  And no, I didn't know what a good Christian looked lie.  I saw some good Christians, but I resisted their behavior thinking that that was just one path they chose.  I didn't realize that that was literally the best path one could take and that anything else is at best sub optimum.  At worst dangerous and leading its follower to destruction.  So that is one explanation of how I am here in this spiritually dead state.  

I decided to stop watching TV.  I made it about 24 hours or so, so no, I have no idea if this will carry through.  

I am making a concerted effort not to watch porn now.  If I make it, I can submit letter to get back in at the end of march.  It is always rejected in the first try of course so then I could resubmit in June to be back in by Assembly time.

Cardiologist says I really have to get my BP under control.  Medication won't be able to keep it in check by itself.  He described the situation as "running out of options.  So, I gave up coffee as a constant drink.  I am trying to limit myself to 1 cup day, and 1 cup decaf daily.  I am on day 3.  It seems to be working out OK.  and it has had a good impact on BP already.

So, I am listening to a broadcast* and the speaker says that being DF is like God taking over our recovery.  I don't think that is a good analogy but what do I know?  Maybe that is true, but I see it more like them throwing up their hands and saying, you are so bad we don't want to be bothered anymore.  Honestly, I was asking for a bible st udy before I got kicked out.  But the deacons refused.  

It is not like they were helping me learn stuff that I needed to know, it was helpful because it was a good spiritual discussion with someone.  That regular contact helped me tremendously to get back on the horse.  It was a long process though.  I think it was taking too long for the level of patience the deacons had with me.

Break

So I quit drinking so much coffee.  That was helpful.  I started walking on the treadmill again.  I was surprised I could walk for an hour just starting out.  I'd like to add rowing to my daily regimen but we'll see how far that gets.

I still can't do anything for myself.  I started organizing over the xmas break.  For the first week I didn't do jack but I got a few things done on the last few days. So I am dead inside again.  I can still work, but anything having to do with the home is static.  I can't get anything done on that account.  

I have sort of decided that this is as good as it gets for now.  I am settling in for working out the remainder of my secular care

 

I guess I'm posting alot now.  It isn't that I really have that much to say, it is just that I have rediscoverd that writing things down can sometimes help with the pain of past events and current situations.  I know  that my musings are very redundant.  But then so are the feelings that motivate them.

*  Short Break * 

Superficial thought:  It is still very hard to get going in the morning.  I really despise the lethargic feelings.  I have long (very long) lists of things to do but I can find the motivation to do nothing.  I feel exhausted in my mind but my body is ready to go with any given project that I might want to engage.  It is exhausting.  I really want sleep to just come so I don't have to deal with the mental anguish of having so much to do but no motivation to do anything but eat, read fiction and watch TV.  It amps up the self loathing factor because it looks like laziness to me.  I think maybe the depression and the inability to do work has simply lead to laziness.  

Right now I am trying to convince myself to go out and  get cash and something to eat for breakfast.  It's not happening.  

*  Short Break *

The weekend is over and it is all just more of the same.  

I started up the convention recordings again.  Playing in the background while I work.  I think it helps some.  

I am starting to feel the intense sadness for my overall situation.  It is not as bad as it was before.  I think I should hold the line on the medication both in terms of type and dose.

I have t hat missing beats heart issue.  I keep looking it up and it seems to be not so much of a problem and can often go untreated.  However there is a note that says that if it is greater than 10% of the beats then maybe something should be done.  Mine seems to be around 80%.  So no wonder my Dr wanted me to see a cardiologist.  I internalize so many negative feelings, it seems no surprise to me that I am starting to have heart issues.  

I remember these extra beats.  They feel like big heartbeats.  I woke up one time with regular extra beats.  It was like a regular heartbeat but just more massive.  I laid awake for about 30 seconds noting that this was weird.  Then I decided that if this is a major problem I would accept it and went back to sleep.

an old habit of saying "I Hate Myself"  (IHMS) has come back again.  And of course the logical extension, IHMFS and IFHMS.  Although not IHFMS which would make little sense.  I can feel it in my chest if I think about it for more than a few minutes.  Not on my heart though, just in the center of my chest about on the sternum.  I am just so ashamed of myself.

*Long Break*

Well contrary to my starting sentence I waited until Dec 24 to post this.  A lot happened in the interim.

I was having major issues with my boss.  The director I reported to was forced out by a jerk of a VP.  Then I started reporting to that jerk.  He tried to pin a failing project on me and I pushed back hard saying (truthfully) that he tied my hands for the whole time the project was in flight. So I could not manage the development as I wanted.  Hence the project failure.  

I spoke with HR and we ended up having a "false religious come to Jesus" meeting with HR, him and myself.  However, he started up with the same behavior later and I started pushing back again, at one point confiding to a colleague that it is going to be him or me.  I talked to HR again and they recommended talking to his boss, a Sr. VP.  So I ended up doing that.  The discussion went much better than I expected.  The VP I was reporting to ended up resigning.  I can't say it was because of this, he had a lot of other misfires during his tenure so I don't make a direct connection between my troubles and his resignation.

I feel much better about work now. 

The depression is still with me though.  I am on so many medications now.  3 separate ones for depression, two for high blood pressure, one for cholesterol along with a Viagra generic.  I am still celibate but it is there just in case.

I still want to get back into my religion.  It is really difficult though.  I started seeing my favorite escort again, but it is strictly social and platonic.  I scheduled an overnight with her in Jan 2022 but I still don't plan on anything more than a good platonic time.  

It is really hard for me to go to the meeting.  I hate studying.  It is still difficult to do the text every morning.  I hate myself.  

Pathetic

 

So I am on some new medication now.  This is the early part of the second week.  Surprisingly it actually seems to be working.  I started getting stuff done around the house and then yesterday, for the first time since the pandemic started, I was able to work until about 8:00 PM.  I went to bed at a normalish 9:00 PM or so and slept entirely through the night.  

Some wierd stuff is happening though.  I will get very tired and sleepy in mid afternoon like around 4:00.  The last time it happened I had to post an brb note on my calendar at work I took a horu long nap and revived.  It happened again today,  I just ate a whole lot of stuff and then it sort of went away.

** Break **

Well the medication continues to work.  I did go through a period of extremely down feeling for a couple of weeks.  I discussed this with my Dr. and she gave me some new pills.  I feel better now.  Not euphoric but just better.  

Work continues to be a drag.  I don't know how many times I decided to leave but I just can't seem to do so.  

I'm not going to church.  I am not studying the bible.  God will judge me and I believe I will be judged fairly but negatively from my perspective.  I just choose not to do his will.  I often pray fervently to change but it is just not happening.

I feel like I am nearly back to myself in productivity but I can't work past 5:00 PM.  After that I can't seem to do anything other than read or watch TV.  I am such a bum.  I hate what I have grown up to be.

So I made plans to see Ms dehavilland yesterday.  It is expensive but my goodness I have been so isolated recently.  I really need someone to talk to for a few houirs over dinner.  It is a social visit meaning that it is primarily in public space so no worries about getting in over my head.  I had cancelled a visit with her b/c I was worried about how it would look to the expulsion committee.  But I figure if they hand me over to Satan,  then that is the only place I can get the association I need to maintain my sanity.

* Short Break *

So I am feeling guilty about seeing Ms de Havilland again.  I know God isn't happy about it but I figure that I need it to protect my mental health.  I am always alone and always isolated.  It wasn't so bad for the first several months.  But as the months and then a year passed, I recognized that it really hurts to be alone ALL the time.  I also recognize that I have no friends.  Now, it is really pathetic that the only pseudo friends I have are those to whom I pay money to compensate them for associating with me.  But here I am.  I have no friends and no one who wants to be friends with me.  So I pay people to pose as my friend. While they are good at it, and an outside observer might not be able to discern the difference (except for the money passing, and the age difference) I still recognize that this is a business transaction and that these people are not my real friends.  Yet it temporarily massages the deep need I have for some association with those who care, at least a little bit.

Pathetic, that's the word for my situation.  And it is primarily my fault.  If I had served God the way I should have my life would be so different.  I'd have a purpose and I'd feel good about myself.  I would be a very different person now.  But here I am.  That is one reason I get so depressed that suicide appears to be a good option.  Of course suicide makes no sense logically so I don't entertain it for long, but it does come to mind often.  

* Short Break * 

So I continue to suffer from severe distraction that makes it much harderfor me to focus on work that needs to be done.  I hate the fact that I cannot focus for long periods of time, particularly when required to do things with which I am uncomfortable.  I continue to feel guilty about seeing Ms deHavilland.  Nonetheless I know I need contact with other humans in order to maintain my balance.  So I will continue with the meeting.  

I'm feeling worse these days.  But there seems to be no relief in sight.  I'm still 3 months away from submitting my application for reinstatement (its just a letter requesting the same.)  I don't know what to do to change my situation.  I pray for a while but then I start forgetting to do so.  I read the text and Watchtower for a while and then I start forgetting to do so.  I am now playing the convention during the day.  I'm sure before long I'll start forgetting to do that again.  I can't seem to be consistent with anything.  

I keep reviewing the fact that I am at the end of my career and nearing the end of my life and there is nothing (except my son) that I am really proud of.  I just thoroughly hate where I am in my life.  There seems to be no prospect for improvement.