Another Bad Day

In the last few days I have been struggling to not engage a provider again.  I certainly would have failed were it not for God's influence.  Ok well I believe that even though I suspect most readers would now.

Depression, my closest companion over the last 14 years, has reared its ugly head.  It is hard for me to get out of bed, such that it is, on time.  Even then it is hard to get ready within the allotted time frame.  Oh and it is getting really hard just to do work while I am at work.  I feel overwhelmed and just don't want to do anything.

So last  Monday I engaged a provider again.  It was a very memorable session.  One that resets the clock on getting back in to the organization.  Deep sadness, and that perverse thought process:  "Well I'm broke now, might as well live it up!"

So I have been on line all this past weekend looking for and making offers to providers.  I have decided that 600 is the limit for engaging a companion.  I see some reasonably intelligent people available for 400 potentially, but none of them in town currently.

I am at work, burned out from morning meetings and too tired to pick up the banner and march forward again.  Sh*t, IHMS, IHMSSFM.  I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my life.  It has ya know.  So I feel tired and sleepy and just awful now.

I am out of my depression medication but I should have a refill at the pharmacist.  The last time I was there the doc prescribed a low dose of Adderall.  (Don't know a thing about the stuff, other than there is a movie with the name in it.  Movie doesn't seem too flattering toward the medication.)

Speaking of Movies I saw Apostate (Apostacy?) is out in Netflix.  Movie about a JW with a family member gets df'd.  (I suppose it  is df'd and not declared apostate but then why the name, so I don't know.)  I am so curious to see it.  I almost am 100% sure they get a lot of stuff wrong.  I didn't see any obvious issues in the trailer, but we'll see.  It should be interesting seeing it from my own perspective since I am df.  But I am rather sure I deserved it.  I can't say for sure that I was unrepentant, but that doesn't mean I didn't deserve what happened.  So I won't watch it with a lot of sympathy for he one who got df'd in the movie.

I guess overall it is probably really bad press for JW's b/c people will watch it to learn about JW's.  It is like learning about marriage by watching Kramer vs. Kramer.

In the mean time I keep plodding along, putting one foot in front of another.  Constant feeling of crushing emptiness and uselessness as I contemplate how empty my life is.  How much I don't like who I am.  How useless I feel because I wasted my youth and I continue to waste my life now.  How I am bound and tied to this life of chasing tail and trying to take care of my dwindling possessions.  I feel constant exhaustion, even after long weekends where I sit around and do nothing.

I have been praying a few times today for help getting to the meeting tonight.  I wore my boots and double socks so my feet stay warm in the Hall.  I have a light colored shirt and a couple of ties to choose from.  I should go but I am feeling so badly now I am not certain that I will.  Maybe time for another prayer.

I

I, I, I, I, I.  Almost every paragraph begins with "I".  I suppose that's  normal, but it is not who I want to be.  I'd like to be focused on God.  Or at least not so self centered.  I suppose if I had more oh, wait, scratch that .  .  . at least one friend then I might not be so self centered.  I should be able to say that I have God as a friend, but I know that is not true.  I don't do his will enough to think that I might be counted as his friend.  In actual fact the earthly organization he uses today decided to hand me over to Satan.  Nope, I'm not a friend of God.

It's 1:30 and I'm about to fall off my chair I am so sleepy.  I guess it is the digestion thing.  Brain is blood starved as my stomach takes first place in its command for the bloodstream resources.  Damn I sure hope the tummy finishes its digestion process very soon.  I'm seeing double (occasionally) now.

Wow, I actually skipped a day without posting even a paragraph to my depressing (depression) blog.  But here I am again.  Feeling like sh*t and ready to post some more.  More drivel about how lousy my day is going, how badly I feel and how I can't seem to do anything about it.  I'd be so bored with this if I wasn't living it every day.  I just can't seem to break out of this prison.

Started reading Isaiah.  Did the first 2 chapters.  66 in total, Waugh.  Will I ever finish?  It was all about how bad Judah had become.  It reminds me of myself of course.

OMG this is bad.  This can't work thing is starting to stretch out into several days.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I have to think of something.  Of course I want to reach out to one of the escorts I used to use.  She is in town next week.  All my interactions with this escort have been strictly social.  She is a really nice gal.  I really could fall in love with her but I know it wouldn't work out.

The down side of doing that is that I would be reaching into Satan's world to satisfy that need instead of waiting on God.  Now given the fact that in being df'd I was handed over to Satan, I think it is a matter of just using the resources at hand to satisfy a legitimate need.  Right not I am not dying for companionship as is sometimes the case so I'm not going to do anything at this point.  Of course that could change at any moment.

Well it's about 6:00 pm and I just sent a note to my escort for a dinner meeting.  2 hours public only interaction.  Probably a mistake .  .  .   OK definitely a mistake!

Love God

I'm tired.  I slept probably 9 hours last night.  Its only 5:00 PM and I am still just so tired.  Typical depression situation.  I should call the doctor (I think I'm gonna crash, Doctor said he's commin' but you gotta' pay him cash .  .  .  but I digress.)  Seriously though, I'm on my depression medication and I feel really depressed right now.  Sh*t, this is not good (ng.)

I am hanging out here at work, just dealing with a couple of small things here and there.  I just can't work very hard for very long anymore.  I just stop and look into space for minutes.  Then I get distracted by the internet news, then by my thirst, then by my blog.  Crap.

Another worthless weekend.  Didn't even get the laundry done.  Or pick up the laundry.  How can I be so inept?

Damn-it.  It is  happening again.  It is only noon and I feel really sleepy already.  This always used to happen when I was bad of a year or two ago.  Honestly I can barely keep my eyes open.  Why???

Just ate lunch,  again, sleepy, sleepy.  Want to curl up and go to bed.  Again I got 8+ hours of sleep last night.  If I'm not careful depression is taking on the appearance of a grim reaper when it comes to my employment.  Oh my goodness, this is getting really bad.  Maybe I'm just really sick.  Maybe I'm dying and I don't yet know that by which I am doomed.  Headache starting again.

I am trying to psyche myself up to get to the meeting tonight.  Forgot my tie again.  But I have a spare in the office.  I better pack it now lest I forget.  OK, that's done (literally.) Now let's see if I actually get to the meeting tonight.  Weather is warm.  No excuses.  Of course I don't need an excuse to miss the meeting.  Witness yesterday and the day before!  I am really hopeless.

It's about 4:30 and I'm stressing out about going to the meeting now.  I think I am going to go but I know how easy it is for me to flake out.  There is a lot of time left for me to do that.  We'll see .  .  .


Well I did actually go to the meeting.  The last part was really difficult, I couldn't tell what they were talking about, or even where they were reading,.  I was just so tired and sleepy.  No one talked to me.  I don't know if they were just afraid to come near or what.  Given how people recoiled the last time I was at this meeting I wouldn't be surprised if word got around and nobody wanted to come near.  I always feel bad at the meetings now.  The last time I was there was just so demeaning.  Of course my behavior is what led to my status so they had good reason to treat me the way they did.  But it was really difficult to see someone jump back in shock and horror when I told them my status.  It shouldn't be a big deal band honestly I am surprised it made such an impression.  I usually don't get so bent out of shape.  But oh well.  There it is .  .  .

I'm still trying to work through my difficulties getting work done.  I have to go home early today just to pick up laundry that I didn't get over the weekend.  (Such slackness is legion.)   What a sh*t I am.  I really hate myself (IHMS).  I just don't see a way out of this.  One more year of shunning in dfment. If I make it through that alive and haven't been killed by God, then there is the process of reinstatement that will be long and tortuous since I have such little trust in the deacons.  I will be very suspicious of any questions or issues they raise.  I have already been thinking of how to deal with this:

1. Record the Meeting
2. Answer only the question specifically
3. Questions like how did you .  .  .  are responded only with answers like "With God's help", or "By relying on God", or "Because God assisted me."
4. Questions about my misdeads while out I'll just try not to answer by saying "I don't remember" which I probably won't.  or "That was a year ago, I don't see the relevance of my misdeads for which I am sorry."  or "Look, I don't do that stuff anymore, why are you making me remember that?"

I know it will take a number of tries to come back.  I figure 1 month between requests should be sufficient.

Then I walk around restricted for another year, can't answer at meetings.  Of course that is not so bad since everyone knows already that I am suspect anyway.  Anyone coming back from df is considered suspect for a while.

Then they let me answer a question or so but I'm still on the crap list for another year even after that.  Then after all the restrictions are taken off people will still touch me with no less than 5' poles until they see someone else unquestionably spiritual treat me like a human again.  So all that with the normal setbacks I figure will take at least 3 years but probably more like 5 or 6 in actual fact.

Is it worth it, hell yea.  How else will I escape from hell.  It is depressing to think about what the next several years will be like (at best.)  No wonder I am so depressed.  OMG, this is so awful.  Not the worst outcome certainly, but it is really depressing to think about.

Oh, yea.  and I have no one but myself to rightfully blame for all this.  It's really all my fault.  If I just loved God more.