Sitting on a Knife Edge Waiting to Be Cut in Two

This notion of getting df'd has got my head spinning.  I wonder if I should fight it and dig up emails that say "you knew this all along" and ask why all of a sudden are you kicking me out now?   Or I should I just go along with whatever they say.  That's what they want anyway, who wouldn't.  It is just that they are so accustomed to people just going along with the program that trying to fight is like condemning yourself to a df verdict.  It is almost like there is no fighting it.  And why do I want to fight it anyway.  If God wants me df'd then df'd I'll be.

What I find troubling is that I am looking forward to it.  I am already thinking of what escorts I want to tag if this happens.  If I do get df'd that will be my biggest issue:  how to keep moving toward the straight and narrow.  So from a basic point, why does dfing exist?

1. discipline - spaning doesn't work well for adults
      a.  Of course discipline is a form of teaching.
2. keep the congregation clean - am I making the congregation dirty?  I suppose so just by being there.  I am certainly not spreading my contaminating influence, well not knowingly.
I GUESS I NEED TO LOOK THAT UP.

I suppose I meet the criteria for a committee, doing rope for years of the egregious kind.  The only thing I can really say is that I haven't tried to hide it from them.  I have put it in emails twice (I think) and brought up in meetings at the very least twice before this latest time.

The behavior is addictive and someone saying, here read this, doesn't help as much as I needed.  But that's all that seemed to be available.

The point about my not hiding it from them and bringing it up multiple times might cut some ice with them.  I still am guilty though.  The question is:  what is the best way for them to deal with me now.

Of course as mentioned before, they (local "elders") did say about 7 years or so ago, that if I did anything else they were going to kick me out.  Well now I have done something more.  It's not the first time I told them about it, but they sure seem more interested now than before.

Another day,

I went to the meeting and no one said anything to me, but I noticed this AM I had a text from the elder dude saying lets talk at the meeting.  He wasn't all that anxious to tell me what he wanted.  (He never is, always wants to talk in person no matter how much it delays things.)  Fahk!  Whatever the hell!  What does it matter, just a few more days thinking that they will kick me out.  Actually this slack jaw lackadaisical attitude might be a good sign.  If they really wanted to kick me out I might have expected them to be a bit more aggressive with their desire to meet and talk more about it.

It' s an interesting concept, thinking that I will be df'd.  And there is precious little I can do to influence the decision one way or another.  It is just crazy how much I was looking forward to it.  It wasn't the sickening dread I should have.  It is like I want to let go.  I am just too tired of holding on to something that it seems no one is interested in my having.

Wild, I just studied the chapter talking about how much God loves his people and I heard the argument that he cares about us individually.  I know it must be true, it is just hard to accept given the way I have been kicked around and ignored by both the world and the congregation.  What can I expect given how much I have disregarded God's instructions.

Again I am reminded of just what a mess I have made of my life.  How very worthless I am and how little it all means.  If I died, it would be all over for me, but in the grand scheme of things, the world would carry on and eventually, probably sooner than I imagine, I will be lost to the collective consciousness of the world here on earth.  It will be like I never existed at all.  *Sigh*  All those damn deadlines and performance reviews and tests I took and promotions I got, or didn't get.  Nothing matters.  It's all vanity right Sol?  So, let us eat, and drink .  .  .

But wait, what about serving God?  The stuff you do really means something.  Oh, but then I have to stop rope, and stop seeing my friends, and read the mags, and study the wt, and read the bbl and do personal study and go to meetings, and change my life pattern to stay awake and memorize scriptures, and confess my sins, and pray and do FS and do taxes and sell stuff and on and on and fahkin' on.  The baretta solution (or He solution for previous readers) is looking not too bad.  Not to say that it isn't worth it.  I am sure that if I do make it, I will be very much afraid of how close I came to that.  But right now, in the situation looking at a mountain of work on one side and the ease of capitulation on the other, it sure is tempting.  It will be even more if I get the boot.

Der Stiefel

So the PR's are done.

They never are quite as  bad as I imagine them to be but I continue to be surprised at how much I resist starting that effort until the last minute.

I need to establish goals for each of the people in the team, but no one is standing over me waiting for that to happen so I'm not going to worry about that.

The sense of pressure is hugely reduced.  Feeling like I do now I would not have scheduled a meeting with the therapist.  But I know I need help so I don't plan to cancel.  I do need to schedule time with my shrink.  The pills really helped and I'd like to have access to them going forward.  I found them to be a bit more effective than head bangin' music (including the seductive strains of the baby lady [Lady Gaga.])

Since I finished I had the immediate desire to go nrop and escort hunting in a "Don't need God anymore so I can play now" knee-jerk reaction.  I almost bought a gift certificate to Private Vicki (um, you can figure that one out,) to let my currently utilized escort know that I really do like her even though I missed a day she was in town recently.  Then I thought of sending it to another escort I researched and contacted but never connected with.  (See early posts for the pathetic story there.)  I've decided that I think she is writing a book on the topic but at 2K for a couple of hours, I can't cut any ice there.

I talked to the "brothers" about Nrop finally.  They made me say what kind of Nrop (guy/gal (check); gal/gal (check); disney (NO); group (check); all else (NO).  But the 2nd and 4th items are considered especially egregious so they are going to form a judicial committee and I'll be tried again, yet again.

I think they will kick me out this time.  The last time they said If I do anything physical again they would kick me out.  This doesn't count as physical but it's bad enough.  We just studied about how loving God is and how he wants his servants to come back and serve him.

Oddly, I am almost looking forward to being df'd.  I will feel free to use my escort friends for more badness, the way that dc did (though she didn't have to pay for it.)  On the other hand I would also want to be stoic about it and show God that even though I am kicked out, I will continue to try to serve him.  I guess I will probably feel unfairly df'd and there will be that "prove them wrong" element.  But honestly they have the preponderance of Holy Spirit.  If they say I am out, I will be out.  Whether or not I do the stupid thing will be up to me, but I can't see myself resisting the temptation.  I guess I better start praying for the strength to resist now.  I feel this is a test that will surely come.

Another day, Tuesday:  despite the material studied that tells me how loving God is, I still hate myself and I believe that God hates what I do so much that I will get swept along in judgment for the things I have done.  Yes, God must love me, he says he does and he encourages us to hate our enemies.  I think of how being df'd will affect the people around me.  There are only a very few who love me and it will hurt them badly.

Whether God will kill me now or not, I don't know, one thing is certain though, I hate myself with a deep and abiding passion.

I am supposed to pray 5 mins a day.  I guess I should start that soon.

Just Another Round of Bad News

Its December and the spring blues have already started to settle around me.  The walls are closing in, there's too much pressure to take; TOTBAS (there ought to be a song) blah blah blah.

Really though, my one release, dating escorts, is just too expensive to be a worthwhile relief.  I do enjoy the time, It is something I really look forward to and I always feel good afterward.  It is a real joy when I can do that.  But at 1300 USD a pop, I just can't keep it up.  I have looked for other less expensive alternatives, but the good ones are always at least 900 base price.  And I just can't pay that routinely.

I don't understand my reaction to medication.  It works, I feel better, I can start to get stuff done.  But I can't seem to keep on taking the pills.  It really has to do with the relationship with the doctor.  I hate talking to them.  I always feel uncomfortable.  They give suggestions that I just don't fit with the church and then I try them and it doesn't work out and then I feel guilty and miss an appointment and everything falls apart.  The last two sets of prescriptions I did not fill.  I don't know why I just didn't get them filled.  I don't get that.  I mean the pills worked, why didn't I keep going?

Now I really need something.  I can feel the walls closing in and it won't be long before I am spending half my time trying to work and the other half working at half speed.  I'll be spending 14 hours per day in the office giving only 75% of what I should.  I can't get away from it.  It is coming and I cannot stop it.

So I started studying, as mentioned earlier, but I just don't see how that is going to help.  No one says it should.  I need them pills.

I need association and it isn't happening in the congregation.  I am sure that is my fault since I am very suspicious of anyone inviting me out since I was there for 5 years by myself and I had one solitary invite that was extended early in that period of time but was not repeated nor imitated.  Now that my gregarious son is around I get more invitations 2 of which I have accepted, but, of course, I don't enjoy it and I feel out of place, and people feel out of place around me.  I just hate myself.  I don't want this anymore.  I feel so awful all the time.  It is getting worse with the shortened days.

I am thinking again about the final solution.  I have my method worked out though I wish I could make it seem like an accident.  Of course God will know it wasn't.  Is enduring this pain worth an eternity of happiness in God's world?  Yes, of course it is.  I just hurt so much that in a fit of pain, I feel like I might cave in and do myself in.

But I do think of the kid and how it would hurt him.   He is a bit of a soft touch even though he doesn't really show it much at all.  Pain, Pain all around.  Pain, ongoing and throbbing.  Not always sharp and intense, though occasionally so.  But always there.  Like tinnitus.  Sometimes more irritating, sometimes less, sometimes very intense, sometimes forgettable.  But whenever I stop to notice, there it is.  And I hate it so very much.  The best I seem to be able to do is to ignore it.

God I hate this so much.  I wish I could get away from it but I cannot.

OK, I am eating cheesecake now.  I feel much better.  Oh my word, even the sign is edible.  It is our phone vendor hawking their product.  Lousy product & service offering, but good cheesecake.

Well, the next day is here and, predictably, I am feeling like sh*t again.  I just don't have the stamina to keep putting up with this day after day.  I just hate all this.

And now it's Monday.  Friday I got maybe 2 hours of work done.  The weekend was a complete bust, Just TV, no study, no meetings.  Not anything of value except perhaps sleep and rest, both of which I got too much of.  Crap, this is in full swing.  I really hate this.  I cannot get over it.  Today i maybe got 2 hours of work done.  Best I could do.

I guess there was one good thing about this weekend, I didn't look at nrop.  I didn't knife out either but those two things go together like white on rice.  Yes there is brown rice but .  .  .  Of course the question is, which is the white/brown and which is the rice.  I don't care to think that deeply on the topic.

Anyway my head is starting to hurt and I am loosing (have lost) focus on work probably for the rest of today.  Nonetheless, I might be able to get in a little more effort so I am sticking it out a bit longer.

I really wish I could see some solution but I really don't.  I don't see how I will ever make friends in this congregation.  How I will deal with the taxes.  How I will sell my stuff, how I will know enough to go out in FS again.  How I will be able to keep up a regimen that allows me to be able to join the TMS again.  How I will be able to resist Linda or Lilly if they come in town again.  I really don't think I could resist.  Certainly if any more reasonably priced alternative were available of similar attributes, I would would fail to resist the temptation.

I just don't know how to deal with this.  I am devastated by this recurrent failure.  It is like I need to reset, but once I stop, I can't get started again.

Headache is getting worse now.  I ain't getting up for more coffee.  I decided to quit drinking coffee in the afternoon.  I do drink one soda though.  I'm still sipping on that.

Loneliness is my only companion these days.  I am so fail at getting past that.   I have been so awful at dealing with this.

Headache getting really bad now.  I may have to cut short the day.

Epic fail.

It is Wednesday.  I am trying and mostly failing to write Performance reviews   Not more than a dozen or so to do but I hate doing them so much I just can't seem to get traction.  I've been praying over this all day.  I'll be at work until about 8:00 PM.   I don't understand why I find this so difficult.  It was never so difficult in the years before I had an insane number of people reporting to me.  I can't make this happen.  I sit around wringing my hands and dreading the next moment.  I swear that next year will be different (same as I did last year, and the year before that.)

Another evidence that I so very hate my life.  Yet and still, this job does not interfere with study meetings prayer or service except on very rare occasions which I could really work around if I just wanted to.  What a crap cake I have made of my existence.   I pray about my problems until they are gone and then go back to the same old crap again.  For cryin' out loud!  Why don't I fix this?  What do I have to do?

Oh yea, and my psychologist hasn't called back.  Of course I abandoned that relationship many months ago, so I can blame anyone.  It's just yet another *sigh*  Maybe I can reach out to a psychiatrist.  S/he will want about $500 to go forward - minimum!  Probably more like $600.

I guess it has been worse in recent years.  This just sure as hell isn't fun not that things are not as bad as they once were.  I'm in total collapse now.