Something Has Got to Change

Lilly (first and only other paid companion apart from Linda) indicated that she feels that guys have a "reason for seeing an escort" and then a "real reason for seeing an escort."   I think I have figured out my "real reason for seeing an escort."  It is because it is one woman I can go out with that won't laugh at me, act rude and treat me nicely.  Of course it is because they are being paid to do that (the costly ones anyway.)  I need that so badly I am willing to plunk down many hundreds of dollars in a single evening to have that experience.  I suppose it is a date with a beautiful woman with very low probability of rejection.  That's it.  (I am starting to really believe that I don't want the "benefits", though as I type this I am getting really concerned that I "think I am standing.")

Fortunately the cost is the hard limit that I am not going to overcome.  I will realize the expense before long and I will stop.  There is little question in my mind.  The one firm limit in my life is how much money to which I have access.  Like everyone else, more isn't enough and the more I have the more I want.

I really need to think about other things.  Studying the Bible, Exercising, Learning professionally and Eating responsibly.  Those are the things that can improve my life.  The trouble is I am taking such little interest in those things.  It might be a part of the symptoms of depression.  I suppose it is, given the fact that the other symptoms are there in such large measure.

I am a badly broken man and like a rocket that has lost its primary guidance mechanism I am continuing to fly around aimlessly.  It is not always apparent but an aircraft flying without control damages itself as the flight limits are exceeded and this has been happening for years.  If I manage to avoid disintegration with that mechanism, then inevitably I will one day either crash into the ground, crash not another flying object or simply run out of fuel.  The final possibility is God comes along and takes me out and, having died at God's hand, I will have no hope.  (See the earlier post depicting the imaginary gates of Hell.)

I can't turn this around.  I am too damaged.

So I was thinking about this a couple of days ago.  I realized that the elders "count" their time when they study with me, so they can't appear to be pushing as study on those who are look warm to the ides else they could be perceived as padding their service time with easy hours.  So maybe that's why they didn't probe even the mildest of resistance to the notion.  Honestly, If I say "I don't see the benefit .  .  ."  I am still a bit surprised they wouldn't offer to mention the benefit unless they were afraid of something.  This reasoning seems to make sense, but it may be just as foolhardy as reasoning that the flat earth rests on the backs of 4 elephants who are standing on a giant sea turtle.  In essence I have little idea on what makes those guys do what they do.

Anyway, I am thinking of asking them for help yet again.  I think that from their own perspective they have offered help on many occasions and I have refused it.  (That's not my observation but I think it is their view.)  It has been over a year since I met them last.  The Cheese isn't coming for a few months so they aren't even thinking about me, whatever.

So if I ask for help I expect nothing more than another meeting where two guys sit, look at me and say:  What's the problem.

I'll tell them the same thing I told them the last time: I don't do FS, I don't study enough, I don't pray enough.  And I expect them to say, "well you need to:  read your Bible, study more, pray more and go out in FS."  Or perhaps they are a bit more insightful and say:  "well, you need to read your bible and stop being depressed, and get a hobby."  

Maybe they will do like the last couple of times and say:  "What do you want us to do?"  If that happens I have to be prepared to suggest a solution rather than saying the first thing that comes t mind: "<expletives and expletive laden coarse phrases deleted>"  Rather I need to come up with some ideas as to how they could help:

1. Study w/me
2. Be nice to me at the meetings.
3. Stop treating me like a red-headed bastard step-child.  (Actually I almost said ADHD step-child.  However such children cannot be ignored.  It is very easy for them to ignore me.  What a crock this is, I'm 55 years old and trying to figure out how to get people to stop ignoring me.)
4. Go out in FS with me.
5. Invite me out sometimes

Item #1 is the only practical solution
I am too proud to say #2.  It also allows me to see what people are really feeling.  Not trying to project something based on knowledge I would rather they not have.
Item #3 is about the same as #2.
Regarding #4, I'm not ready to do FS so I don't think that is likely.  Possible modify this to pactice for FS with me.  maybe it could be combined with #1.
Item #5 is impractical because I'd like to know that someone really wants me there if I get an invitation.  Right now I can't tell if people invite me because they want me there or if they are doing it because my son was complaining that I'm never invited.  So I don't want to exacerbate that situation.

So the only thing they can do is to study with me.  It's not like knowing the fractional additional knowledge will help anything, but the additional study time I'll need to put in and the association during the study itself will help.

I've got no idea if I'm really gonna do this thing.

Paid Companion Seems About Right -- And God Sees It All

I did meet with Linda (paid companion to those new to the blog) last week and had a wonderful time.  We met at a restaurant that turned out to be really nice but not too very costly.  The meal was OK and the interaction was very cordial. (I was aware of that issue I have recently seen discussed regarding spotting an escort with her "john,"  a hot chick with the dufus looking guy.)  I think I did stand out in that way even though I attempted to mitigate the situation by wearing a sport coat.   I decided to come early but that was completely the wrong thing.  The more powerful person should always arrive last.  I did manage a calm greeting, getting up and doing the "nice to see you again" hug.  I tried to look confident and it felt like I pulled it off at the time but thinking back on it, I am sure it looked exactly like what was really happening.

I found Linda to be a truly multifaceted individual.  She is smarter than I first imagined her to be (and yet still every bit as pretty if not more so.  At one point I found myself a bit awe-struck.  She was describing how she bravely made radical changes in her career choices pulling off a significant career shift based on wise advice.  One point for further consideration arose from when I first met Linda.  She seemed really excited to see me.  I was a bit surprised by how enthusiastic she was and have wondered about it a couple of times.  I'm not sure what was going on in her mind; I may never will as she has probably forgotten by now.

The gift for her was some underwear from MeUndies.  She seemed to like it but obviously couldn't totally unwrap it at the restaurant.  More on that later.  I also explained that I had her secretary's gift back at my hotel a couple of blocks away but didn't want to bring it since the box was large.  I suggested we pick it up on her way back.  I wasn't sure how that would go over so I mentioned that as a "possibility" and didn't dwell on it.  I figured she could evaluate how she wanted to handle that as things went on during this session.

So when we got back to my hotel I couldn't determine if she might wait downstairs for me to fetch the gift for her secretary from my room, but she seemed to have no hesitation following me up.  I had the package near the front door to mitigate any concern she might have of "something else going on."

She was happy to accept Terri's boxed gift.  She then began unwrapping her own gift.  Hers was smaller (although more expensive) and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not.  She said all the right works, thanks you, it is so <fill in adjective>, it's really nice.

The next day I followed up with a note to her secretary indicating that I had a great time with Linda.  I heard nothing from her for a bit.  After about 4 days I heard from her secretary indicating that she absolutely loved the wine glasses I bought for her.  I sent the standard "your welcome" response and she replied to that indicating how much she loved them.  Wallowing in my own ridiculous illogic (OK, not a real word) I imagined that Linda was jealous of Terri's gift.

When I got Linda's response I became somewhat comfortable that she really did like her own gift.  She mentioned again how <nice or whatever> the items were and how she would use them.  She also mentioned that she  looked up the manufacturer for additional similar items.  I've concluded that she did like and appreciate the gift.

So back to the moments on the date with Linda, during all the back and forth with Terri's gift and Linda's gift there were a couple of hugs exchanged.  The first one could have been a kiss but I was already aiming for a sibling appropriate hugging motion when I realized she was aiming differently.  I couldn't redirect myself in time without it being awkward.  

She was wearing a short jacket so the hug wasn't as "nice" as the firs hug from her when she was in a sleeveless dress.  The brief sensation during the release motion when my hand slid along her upper arm was probably the first adult human display of affection I had experienced in many many months.  Actually the last prior time would have been with my ex when I was seeing her and feelings started to develop again.  But given the state of affairs now, I look back on any displays of affection with the ex in disgust.  On this date, even though we hugged a few times, her coat blunted the tactile sensation.

So as we were standing there chatting for a few seconds I realized that I could not see her eyes.  She mentioned her eyes were blue, but at first mention, in the restaurant, her face was not well illuminated.  So with her in the hotel, I walked her over to a hanging fixture and looked directly into them.  They are, in fact grey blue.  There is definitely blue there but at first blush I would call them grey or hazel.  She mentioned that when she is nervous, they turn more blue and told me the story about how her mother used to say mean things to her just before a photographic session to get them to turn more blue.

Things ended with a final good night (sibling appropriate) hug and the date was over.  I know she was getting a bit tired.  She let it slip when she asked for the check at the restaurant.  I was a bit disappointed that she was even aware of the passage of time.  Not entirely surprising though.  I really should have set up things for Monday evening.  I am sure Sunday was a long day for her since she had flown in earlier that day.

Looking back it was like meeting a happily married best friend from College who happened to be in town for a couple of days.  I actually had the almost identical experience with an unmarried best friend from college about 5 years earlier.  That one didn't cost me a grand like this one did.  (No, that relationship never went anywhere but into the toilet; I can't remember if I related that earlier in this blog.)

So now I relate that to more recent bible study which clearly illustrated the dangers of poor choice of association.  I also think of the notion of using Match or other dating services.  Actually I think that would be more dangerous.  things will never go anywhere with Linda (or Lilly.)  It is just way, way too expensive to maintain a long term relationship with either of them.  I am discovering that I really don't want the "benefits" (as in friends with benefits.  Though, maybe I think I am standing - inside Jw comment.)

I am starting to think about fs again.  Not that I think I am close, but I am not sure I want to put any more obstacles in that path than I already have.  Actually it might be like adding a wooden brace to a door that is already welded shut.  Honestly that's probably a fair assessment (if I continue to avoid the "benefits.")  The cost element is something that I simply cannot overcome for any length of time.  I am already well beyond what I could have imagined during any sane moment.

Oddly enough, the lack of money is probably a key factor in my safety all these years.  I just can't afford to steer off into oblivion spiritually speaking.  I think that's why, when I am really poor and in financial trouble, I start to behave more spiritually.

What a jerk I have become.  And God just sees it all .  .  .

My Best Friend

Being fat and seeking slim is such a contradiction.  So is trying to be a Jw and seeking paid female companionship, and here I am doing both.

I like the job I have and I hate it at the same time.  I really need to make a change.  I need to get out of my comfort zone and deal with these issues as quickly and effectively as possible.  Not doing so will likely result in my death.  Not that many would notice, probably on ay a very few.  And all because of what, a pretty face (and gorgeous body?)

Of course it is not worth it, but as I am so starved for attention from an intelligent adult, I feel almost forced to give in.

Whatever drivel from above is at least a month old.  The issues are still raw and throbbing but more like a dull pain that has been around for a long time.

I have another appointment with my new best friend:  Linda Hunt (not her real name, duh.)  It is so expensive I am thinking about just cancelling and using the money to buy something I really need like a record player.  Honestly the only way I could see that I would meet with her again if she is OK with letting me take some photos of her.  That would be really fun.

Hang on, did I loose you?  OK let me catch you up, my best friend and confidant is a paid companion.  Yes the same as the escorts you can see implying lascivious services for hire, though they specifically only offer time and companionship and what happens during that time is at the discretion of  the client and provider.  That is the only way I seem to be able to have friends.  Actually it works OK.  The amount of time I spend with this person is hard limited because of the extreme cost involved.  I just don't want the services that would get me in trouble spiritually as much as I want the intellectual interaction (when the consequences of any such interaction is included in the analysis.)

However it is wholly unsatisfying because the cost limits the availability so harshly that I am still left in severe want.  This isn't really very unusual, just part of the dull throbbing in my life.  Occasionally the pain takes on an acute characteristic, which leads to making stupid decisions.