Nuclear War

 

I just finished reading a book about nuclear war.  It is written by someone who has researched the subject extensively, gathering all the unclassified information she could find on the subject.  This includes talking to several highly placed sources (retired) who had first-hand knowledge about how the nuclear deterrence is designed to work.  

To the best of her ability to determine, once a triggering event is started, there is only about an hour before the world is devastated.  While hundreds of millions die in the first hour or so, the remaining 95% is killed from the resulting fire storms, as a consequence of mass electrical outage or nuclear winter's cold and starvation. 

It seems so close and that hanging onto the status quo (no nuclear annihilation) is extremely tenuous.  It is the classic sword of Damocles hanging over our collective heads.  It seems as though it could slip into destruction at any time.  Based on her description, even US presidents just don't realize the gravity of the situation.  

Especially troubling is the short amount of time there is to react to perceived threat of incoming missiles.  In that brief time span whether key personnel are awake and coherent or not (drunk or not), in communications range or not, feeling too proud or not determines whether the world will end up as a smoldering ruin.  

It is soul crushing to realize how devastatingly mad the system is.  And this is where I put my primary trust and effort for the 45+ years of my life.  And this knowing that God has a better alternative than.  He has assignments that we should be fulfilling.  I turned my back on that work and focused instead on my narcissistic pursuits.  I am so damned stupid.  Yet and still the poison I drank in the quest for money and power still inhibits my ability to change course.  

While I spent my life paying relatively little attention to the scenery through which the bus is traveling, this book grabbed me by my ears and forced me to look forward down the way on which this bus is traveling.  It is as though it is weaving drunkenly on a narrow bridge over a volcanic cauldron with the world as passengers.  And there I am on top with all my valuable worldly possessions.

Of course I don't believe God would let it happen; nonetheless this is the best that mankind can do to manage ourselves apart from God.  Generally, mankind does not believe that God will intervene, and yet, with the whole world at stake, he can do no better than to hold it hostage to this potential fate.  How immensely stupid could I be?  

More importantly, how can I fix this?

Wayward Son

Wow, it has been quite a while.  Lots has happened since I last wrote.  

I had sex with someone, even though I was back in the organization.  My conscious bothered me enough so that I admitted my mistake.  As is typical the big dogs were all over me.  But they didn't kick me out again.  I forgot to tell them that I was sad over damaging my relationship with God.  But they coached me into saying something close enough.  

So several weeks later I someone got around to studying with me.  Things got going in May or so.  It is helpful.  I am still extremely lonely but at least there is someone to talk to once a week or so.  

I still get distracted by porn.  I start watching but not for long.  I prayed this AM to hate it.  Of course I'll need to pray several dozen more times (or so) before it takes effect.  That's not a complaint.  I am sure God wants to see if this is what I really want.  

Work is not going well.  The company doesn't have the money to spend on the product I am working on.  So it is languishing.  Sales of the product haven't improved in spite of rousing predictions at the start of the year.  

If that were not enough, the new wave of management wants to change things around.  In typical old school fashion, a small team of executives asked questions, then got together to decide what to do without  further involvement of the people who know the most about the business and technology.  I think I am about to lose my job yet again.  I don't yet have the motivation to look again.  

My son has gone off the deep end.  He is deep into conspiracy theories.  When I had some extra paintings I wanted to get rid of, he got really grabby and started telling me all of what he wanted as though he were shopping in a store where the merchandise was free.  I pretty much decided to curtail the freebies to him.  I gave him so much and he just doesn't appreciate it.  He actually doesn't mind taking hand me downs.  It is like he thinks this is the normal way things are done.  The thought of working hard, eaning money, saving up and buying stuff himself just hasn't occurred to him.  Oh my God, where did I go wrong.  I love him so much but now he decided to stop talking to me.  

I think he thinks that this is really hurting me.  It isn't.  I am sad, but I know that God will give him what he deserves.  I grieve the fact that I didn't give him the best chance of being a godly person.  But there seems to be nothing I can do now.  And giving him more stuff isn't the answer.  He doesn't appreciate the many things I have given him thus far.  

 

I wrote this in winter of 2023 but didn't publish 2024.

Well things have taken a turn for the worse.  I sort of "knew" this would happen.  I quit studying like I had been doing faithfully each day.  I don't know why.  It happened around the same time I started watching porn again.  So, obviously, I am trying to pinch off that habit again.  I also quit going to meetings for a a couple, maybe 3 weeks now.  So yea, It's bad.

It is the same old situation:  I don't feel like doing anything.  When I recognize the need to move forward on something I just can't generate the motivation to do so.  I think that when I started watching porn again regularly, God withheld his HS which meant that I faltered in doing the studying which led to lower HS.  Of course that made it more difficult to stop the Porn habit and also made it harder to get to meetings, which again limited the HS.  In short a death spiral.

3 week break

So I completely quit studying for a couple of weeks now.  I have restarted as of yesterday and today, but it is anyone's guess as to whether that continues.  

Long Break/

Well it is the new year and I started it off with a royal screw up.  Quit literally so.  I was perusing my favorite escort site and happened upon