It's July, halfway through 2023 and in my 5th year of being kicked out of my religion.  I started studying regularly about a month or so ago.  I always thought I would stop after a few days but I prayed that I would keep going and well, what do you know, I still am a month later.  I know I need to do more studying to get good at my religion.  However, I don't want to add too much, really, I don't want to add anything to the process for fear that I stop doing any studying at all.

I do find that studying has impacted some of the choices I am making in the rest of my life.  I guess that is what is supposed to happen, but it is interesting to see it play out in real life.  I am looking at porn less almost rarely.  Even during long periods of inactivity when I would normally turn to various salacious web sites, near porn is what I would call some of them.  I am doing that only occasionally now, like a couple of times a month.   

What has stuck with me is that I am still totally without motivation.  I sit around the house with so many things that need doing, but I can only seem to watch TV, read books and just mope around.  

I have come to realize that I need to purge massive amounts of junk from my house.  My files, my precious files, they are being purged strongly.  I have thrown away at least a third of them.  I'm not finished yet.  There is so much more that I want to get rid of.  And old stuff that I used to save just because, well you never know when I might need this again.  That old stuff is going out now.  I regularly fill three large trash cans each week of stuff to be taken away.  I would do more If the trash service here picked up twice a week.  

Big Sigh

 

So here I am in July 2023.  I am still disfellowshipped and lonely as hell.  Nothing to be done about it.  I contacted an escort I met a few years ago pre-pandemic.  I nearly went to see her which would have knocked me out of the running to get reinstated pretty much any time this year.  So I am glad I didn't do it but it leaves me feeling really badly, because there will never be another chance to have that kind of fun for many years to come.  

I am on vacation from work and I am finding that I have no motivation to do anything.  Even the readily needed projects with a clear list of required actions are out of reach from a motivation standpoint.  In the past I found that stressing out about it is useless.  I want to dive into porn just to pass the time, but I'm high on anti-depressants and that takes the sex drive away.  Also, it is messy and requires a lot of clean-up.  I don't want that.  And, oh by the way, God doesn't like it.  

So now I am eating too much and ruining the weight loss regimen I had been on for the last few weeks.  

I really some sexually explicit entertainment.  But I just can't see myself doing that.  It is so bad.  I cannot stand this, but there is no way out.  I am looking for TV to watch but all the shows are so stupid.  I hate the spiritistic, horror and similar dramas.  Comedies are usually completely stupid.  So there is basically nothing worth watching.  It leaves me totally bored.  

I started leaving a JW Broadcast droning in the background as I write this.  I know it is good for me but it is often depressing to listen to.  I am constantly reminded of my mistakes and the mistakes of my folks that led to stupidity on my part.  

Of course, when my own kid rails against my mistakes I realize that blaming my folks is just, again, stupid.  

I should read, but I am too lazy to do that.