The days have just been rolling past.  More of the same.  interminable challenges to my sanity as things just happen.

Work has been really challenging as Senior management has targeted me recently for criticism.   I am attending a class now that may help stem that tide.  It is about how to communicate more effectively.  I like the class and the instructor is excellent.  So I have some ideas going forward.  

He suggested I communicate up using the language they understand.  Cost, ROI and impact on Goals.  Anything deep, the instructor recommended to present at about a 6th grade level.  If a smart 6th grader can understand it then it is ready for Sr. Management.  

I am on a new medication that is the first on that seems to be helping me to THINK about getting some work done.  It may be triggering my motivation center (an imaginary part of my brain which does what the title sounds like.)  

Spiritually I'm still a dud.  I'm really having trouble getting to the meetings.  I did find however that a large part of it is the chatter at the start and end of the meeting.  I realize that I find it extremely disturbing and irritating.  Muting the start and end of the meeting helps.  I still don't like to go.  I have been late several times and missed others entirely.  

I'm trying to read the text/wt each day with mild success.  I probably do it just over 50% of the time.  

I still don't enjoy life.  The notion that service to God brings joy is almost completely lost.  I do remember some instances where I felt what I suppose that joy is, but I don't think that has ever been a way of life for me for more than a few months and then only one time as a full grown adult.

It's not all bad though.  I have food, clothing and shelter.  I don't worry about getting shot or mugged excessively.  I wasn't sexually abused as a child (at least not to my knowledge).  Unfortunately I don't get respect from anyone.  I am nearly always treated as a pest.  

Generally speaking I Hate Myself.  But there is a whole episode on that.  (IHMS)

I Keep Failing . . . And Falling.

 

I wish I could find something I cared about but that isn't bad for me.  Of course that rules out porn, women, guns, computer games and listening to goth & symphonic metal music.  

What else is there?  If there was it might be something that I could immerse myself into that is better than reading SciFi books.  

I wrote my doctor today and said that I am not doing well.  I don't really think it will do any good.  This is a slightly better than typical US doctor.  There seems to be a genuine caring there, however it isn't manifest in any special way in terms of treatment.  The doc doesn't seem all that much more excited to find a good solution for my ailments than I would have expected.  Whatever, it is the world I live in along with billions of others.

I still dream of being rich and what I would do to my house if I had a lot of money. New Kitchen hood and fixtures, Garage, Pool, landscaping.  Right now I am faced with more practical things:  New roof, mold abatement, French drain, replacing sliding glass door, etc.  

I just hate being caught up in this crap and having to manage something that I am not sure I even really want.  I mean, what good is it going to do? 

Suicidal thoughts are coming more frequently now.  It is not like I am about to do anything.  Any long term reader would understand that suicide is something I have been thinking about since high school.  Logically it doesn't make sense so I don't feel I am particularly close to doing something like that.  It just comes into mind when things get rougher than before.  

I think a lot about the fact that there is so little for me to dream about.  I have a lot of the crap I wanted in high school, but as predicted it is not satisfying.  I have come to understand that this doesn't bring happiness, but it just brings a desire for bigger and better things.  Right now I want a woman, but those are just totally out of reach, especially since I want a prime woman, not just any one.  

It isn't about just sex but also about nurturing them and making them happy.  Watching them grow to improve in their chosen endeavors.  I want to have a hand in helping them along that way.  But that is so far away right now.  I keep thinking that I will survive Armageddon despite the evidence against it.  I have lived on my own for over 40 years and haven't really served God well during that time.  I keep thinking that his mercy will cover my shortages but that just doesn't seem likely giving how bad my sins are and how little I have done that he has asked of me.  God I am so sorry I chose so very poorly.  I wish I could do it all again.  The only chance to start over is if I make it into the new system, but I don't think I deserve that, I have already proved what a failure I am.

I guess I am still spiraling down.  Controlled Flight Into Terrain to use an aeronautic term.  Have I hit the terrain yet?  Well I am still writing so I have to say "no."  Am I so close that impact is unavoidable?  Well I just don't know the answer to that.  I hope not, so I am still struggling with the controls.  I pray some, but clearly not enough.  There is so much more I should be doing but I just keep Failing.

Waiting to Get Better

 I'm seeing Miss De Havilland again in December.  I worry about how God sees it.  I don't think he is happy.  But then again I was handed over to Satan and this is what he offers in the form of association.  Yes I have to pay for it.  I wonder if the payment includes only platonic engagement?  

Honestly what I am looking forward to is good and interesting conversation over a nice meal.  Followed by a fashion show for some of the silly things I bought for her, then a massage and snuggling with more conversation.

There is so much to do if she does come in December:

1. Fix Car

2. Get the cards for Metro loaded.

3. Make hotel reservations.

Break

Well OK it is about 6 months later and not only have I not seen Miss De Havilland I have also failed to see her again when she came by in March.  I was worried about what the elders would say when I met with them in early April.

But then since I fell off the !Porn wagon 

Break

so I didn't see miss De Havilland in April even though I had paid her for the visit.  I know that scripturally this was the right thing to do since she is "bad association"  however it was really hard for me to accept since I have virtually no other association with anyone else outside of work.  

Later I was chatting on email but this makes me feel guilty because I am still consuming her time.  I suspect that she doesn't really enjoy my email conversations because the responses are always short and are usually just a few sentences.  So I proposed that we do the paid response thing again but this time we pay by the email (and response)  50 USD per email.  Once that was all set up I lost motivation to write her.  I reasoned that it makes no sense to do so because the conversation would be contrived.  If she responded on a topic that doesn't mean she is interested in the topic, it just means she is interested in getting the 50 USD.  Of course that means she is not really my friend, she just responds to what I am saying.

Is that much different than a psychologist?  No, not really except that she has no training in that kind of thing (not that I put much value in psychological training.)  

I really have been trying hard to kick the porn habit but I continue to fail at it.  I am still firmly in the grip of depression so I sit around a lot trying to convince myself to work.  unfortunately sitting around is the worst thing for breaking a porn habit.  There is this process I go through of looking at more and more salacious material until I am on a porn site selecting videos catering to my lascivious fantasies.  

Bad news for going 3 months sober.  So now here i am at the first of May, 2021 saying well, OK reset the target for July 1 to write the reinstatement letter.  My catch phrase is "I can't do it man." because I don't think that I will ever be able to do this.  Of course it is possible with God's help bur I don't follow God's advice consistently enough to get the help I seem to need to twist out of the death spiral.  It isn't his fault, it's mine.  I'm the idiot here.  What a jerk I am.  A fool a piece of refuse, garbage and worthlessness, all minimally adequate sketches of my seedy worthless character.

I don't want to ask for help and then suffer another round of 3 dudes taking pot shots at me by telling me how bad I am.  I mean I am here in a barrel reserved for the poor and spiritually beggarly.  But I'm sure they thought that is what I needed to hear.  I should be thanking them, honestly.  

Suicide is coming up in my thoughts more frequently now.  It just seems so hard to carry on.

This is another one of those times where I wish I could cry because it might be good to have some kind of release, but I can't cry.  I truly don't remember the last time I did.  Crap!  What a chowder head I am.