Dull Thud of the Boot

So I have been booted out.  Its been announded for a month now.  The immediate pain has begun to subside, but it still hurts pretty bad.  I still dream about wierd things that I believe are related to my excommunication.  I've told a few people now (the rare bird who tries to talk to me) that I'm disfellowshipped.

I am surprised that the "wild" response hasn't kicked in.  You know, like, no point in holding back now, I can spread my wild oats with abandon 'cause what else can they do to me.  I really figured that I'd respond this way, but it's just not happening.  The same pressure to see escorts is there.  But for the same old reason lonliness.  I'm spending time with my kid regularly.  It is cool to hang out with him.  We go to the meetings all the time now and even get together to study.  We've done this twice now.  I hope it keeps up.

Memorial is today.  Don't know what it will be like but I'm sure much like the rest of my life recently.  People have been treating me like I am disfellowshipped for several years now.  It is just that now it is offiial.  And on that rare situation when someone tries to engage me in conversation, I can just stop them in their tracks.  I was surprised at how one woman reacted.  She seemed like a really nice person when she tried to talk to me.  As soon as I said I'm disfellowshipped her whole demeanor changed from outreach to shame for herself.  It is like she was never really interested in me anyway.  She suddenly looked away, trying to see if anyone else saw her talking to a disfellowshipped person.  Interesting, and disappointing.  I suppose God is the one who is rightfully disappointed in me.  After all I am the one who put myself in this situation.

For cryin' out loud.  I hate myself.  IHMs, IHMs ISFHMs!

Fortunately God doesn't hate me.  Of course he hates the things that I do and the things I have done.  But as far as I can tell the way is still open to my return.  I don't know how much longer, but I hope ift is long enough for me to be able to make it back before it is too late.

Boot Print on My Butt

I have been dismissed!  I am no longer a member if my religion.  My new status is jwdf.  Of course that's stale news for me.  I knew I wasn't doing right for many months now.  It is just that it is official now.

I don't know what to do now.  I can't have the association that I figured I would have to have to get better.  I really hate this, but I know that I deserve it.

I am sitting around nit picking the dismissal process.  Thinking about the things that could have, or shouldn't have been said.  But the bototm line is that I am out now and it is a long process to get back.

You have to:

1.  Wait several months to more than a year.
2. Write a letter requesting reinstatement
3. Get a hearing,

Iterate items 2 & 3 until they let you back in

4. Get reinstated
5. Study with someone ? months
6. Get approval to answer at meetings
7.  Get approval to pray at meetings
8.  Wait 5 years until after reinstatement.

Then the black marks come off the written records.  *'ll be 65 years old minimum by then.

This makes you want to do yourself in.  It is strange that I haven't considered that more deeply.

Oddly enough I think God is helping me.  I haven't stopped watching porn so logically I think I am just imagining things.  But I haven't missed any meetings lately and that is truly freaking amazing.  That tells me that I am not imagining things.  But still I wonder why he is helping me if I haven't fixed myself.

I still look for "company" on line but the fact that I haven't found a date may be more that I am old fat and black.  However it could be God helping me avoid what I clearly should not be doing.   Honestly I hope that is the case.

In the mean time I can't work right.  I just can't focus my attention well enough and long enough.  I have a couple of days of Vacation coming up but I don't know what to do with them.

I sleep too much.  I get tired easily.  I have no motivation.  I am really sinking.  Oh d*mn. What will I don now.  And in spite of the logical knowledge to the contrary.  It really seems like no one cares.