Here the Frack We Go Again!

And look, here I am again.  Today with a new set of issues and details of Satan's latest attack on this helpless poor dumb bastard (not literally a bastard.)

Someone with whom i flirted in a previous life returned to consciousness and I reached out to her.  As it turns out, she recently divorced her husband and forced him out of her life.  Not that she didn't have cause and I certainly don't know off the details.  So she may actually still be married by God's reckoning. 

So far we have emailed, messaged on social media, texted and soon we plan to talk on the phone.  I am already proposing that she visit soon.  And of course there is a kid, younger than mine when I moved to DC.  I am watching myself trot merrily into the furnace. Oh my God, can you save me from my own stupidity?  Apparently not when that stupidity is persistent.  Hell, just look at the misery that is my life. 

So now I spend my days anticipating what our first meeting will be like, how long it will be before we end up in bed together and what it will be like for me and for my relations when I am kicked out of the religion.  All the bad results that I know are sure to follow have not been enough to stem the tide of action.  I suppose I believe I can rake fire into myself and not get burned.   How very stupid.  I did pray once for God's help, but then immediately forgot and behaved as if I never said a word.

You are so very stupid.  In the literal sense of the word.  You have the knowledge.  You know what you are doing wrong, you know how to avoid this situation.  And yet you continue down the path to do the wrong thing.  That's what biblical people call "stupid." 

My head hurts.  I am getting sick.  I hate myself.  Depression is coming back.  It won't be long before I am suicidal again.  I just need some help, and the people to whom I ask for it are not responding quickly if at all.

Satan 12,039  Mark 3

The thing is I know what to do but with the depression coming back, I haven't been successful in making myself follow through.

Can't Feel the Bottom Yet

So I am really struggling physically.  I can't sleep well at night.  I get really tired at work and if I am in a meeting and I don't really understand all the notions being presented, i just get really sleepy.  I have to bring a drink (not just water) to keep myself awake in meetings longer than 1/2 hour.  That's bad. 

I run out of juice around 3:00 PM and struggle to be productive the rest of the day.  I hate, hate, hate this but what else am I going to do? 

One of the deacons (cheese staff)  called me the other day.  He wants to meet.  I don't because these things always get me thinking that maybe they can help, but they haven't helped much so as I can discern.  That's not to say that they haven't (or aren't) saved(ing) my life.  Such may be the case and I'm just too stupid or ignorant to know it.  I'll meet with them if they want, but I don't think it will help and it may actually hurt by raising false expectations.  I keep figuring that it must be my fault.  I mean if these dudes are so ineffective to everyone I think it would be difficult for people to give them the respect they enjoy.  Of course the respect may result more from their position than their actual assistance value.  What I see is that they poke me once or twice a year and then vanish for the other 50 weeks of the year. 

I am spacing frequently now.  That is that I find myself staring off into space and daydreaming about something unrelated to work.  In meetings when I am really trying to pay strict attention, when I am spacing I really think I am briefly (hopefully) falling asleep.  So, its bad. 

I wish I could change this.  Find a way to make this go away. 

Right now I like my current method of lifting my spirits, that is seeing escorts.  Unfortunately it is just too terribly expensive.  I just can't keep doing this.  I have sort of decided that 1 grand every 2 months is doable, but man, that's still a whole lot of cash.

I am still falling spiritually.  I have pretty much stopped going to meetings.  I hope I hit bottom soon; that is to say I hope that the bottom is not too far away from where I am now.  I mean it's still a long way down to apostasy, but a dis-fellowshipping offence (really pretty much anything for me) is very close.  One meeting with a provider that goes well (or badly spiritually) could put me out (further out) of the organization for years.  See, once I'm out I know I'll do things that I've wanted to do all along.  So yea, this is really bad.

So I anticipate I'll meet with the cheese on Sunday afternoon and be down in the dumps again on Sunday evening.  I just don't see it happening any other way.  I just don't want to think about it anymore, lest I get my hopes up.

I wish I could think of something I want to do; something fun, that I can do alone.  I just can't think of anything (other than the obvious.)

I so freaking hate myself, my life, my attitude, my body, my job, my weak ass eyes and my bad teeth.  I hate it all.  I know what's wrong (I don't love God) but I can't seem to fix it.  Sh*t, this is bad. 

I still use eHarmony and Tender.  I never get any lasting responses there.  I respond to hundreds and get responses in the low single digits.  Nothing is ever going to happen there.  I am sure I'll eventually get bored with it and just stop.  

And Back Down We Go

So I am in the new position.  Its a cube when I have been used to an office for 8 years.  Everything is very nice, it's like an 8x8 cube with low walls, maybe 4' high.  There is glass on at the top 6".  Walls on 3 sides and a short stub on the other so there isn't even a doorway.   If you can't tell by the way I've described it, I don't like it.  Not that it is poor quality, its really great.  I just feel so diminutive.  I see 20 something people not much more than 3 years into their career sitting next to me.  It really makes me feel badly since here I am nearing retirement nd I don't rate any more than this.  Its one of the worst cubes on the floor.  Not near a window, next to an aisle, far from my colleagues.  So the little twenty somethings at the start of their career, have better locations than I do.

This job started well but I am now having serious questions about whether this job is a good fit.  People don't enjoin me in discussions and the tasks I am given are literally crumbs.  I'm supposed to be replacing a techy consultant.  He is really good and is a very nice guy; he is not good at training others.  And he is out on vacation for the next 3 weeks.  I just don't know what to expect. 

We have a lot of employee engagement sessions which is good.  But I missed one really fun event due to an emergency dr's appt.  I missed  the start of another and ended up taking the last seat between two people.  I was unable to engage anyone in conversation on either side or across the table so after sitting there for 20 minutes or so listening to other people's conversations, I just got up and left. 

The next event is a birthday party.  Sh*t. 

I do think that they have a legitimate winter party rather than a Christmas party, We'll see if there is a secret santa program or a tree at the event.  Probably is, but oh well.

The work could be really good,  I will have a much more technical role so I am nervous about that, but excited to be able to re-sharpen tech skills.  The cube spaces all filled up near the team I am working with so I am a lone dude in another section of the office.  People stopped by when I first showed up but generally people I work with don't come by anymore.  People feel free to cut me off in meetings already and have no qualms about scheduling meetings on top of meetings I already had in place.

This place is one of the nicest places to work for in DC and I'm unhappy thus far.  What does that say about me.

So I finally broke down and got a big screen TV, 55" Samsung curved screen.  A great deal at 650 USD, regular price over 1K.  Some damn promotion or another.  That was 3 weeks ago and it still isn't set up.  I took it out of the box last weekend.  I started hooking up the AV receiver that I had from a year or two ago, along with speakers of the same epoch.  Ran out of speaker wire.  Discovered that the audio cables are too short and realized I don't have all the hdmi cables I need.  .


Stale news, I ordered all that crap and it is trickling in.  (Oh and I forgot the subwoofer; that's on its way as well.)  Next is the discovery that I'll need a Bluetooth connection for the receiver, and that all the components I wanted to include in the system really don't fit with the location/use I have.  So the turntable, satellite radio, cd/cassette (!?) recorder/player has to go in another area of the condo.  Oh yea, and I'll need another receiver/flatscreen TV for that space. 

How the f*ck did I get here.

I finally gave up the war game I was playing for hours on end.  Its been a few weeks and this time I think it is gone for good.  Yea!.  So I went out and bought a Surface so that I could take notes more efficiently at the convention.  The promotion that week was a free X-Box.  Yea, what?  Sh*t!  of course I haven't hooked that up yet either so we'll see how long I can stay away from violent video games. 

I'm finding that I just lack motivation for almost anything these days.  Let's not talk about my house in Marion or Martinsville.

My new pastime is looking at women on eHarmony and tender.  They write me back less than 1% of the time, hence the phrase "looking at women" rather than something more fun like actively interacting.  So I have actually chatted a few times but out of the 500 or so women I've swiped right or matched on eHarmony, I think I have had maybe 2 real conversations and 0 actual meetings.  I'm paid up for 6 months / 1 year on eHarmony / tender.  So I'll keep going until my membership runs out(unless I loose motivation.) 

House cleaning is sliding.  The countertops are usually messy and/or dirty.  None of the couches are clear.  The bed hasn't been clear for many years now.  Not even half of it. 

The bad feeling is coming back.  I'm feeling sad all the time.  I'm never happy.  I sit down at the convention ready to take notes on my new surface tablet and the words that occur to me at the starting gate are:  "Let the bludgeoning begin"  Talk after talk they tell me about my failures, mistakes and hold up the example of people so much better than me there is literally nothing that I can do for them; even if they are poor.

How did the song go?  "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again .  .  ."

This life has been like a roller coaster.  I was at the highest point at the start of my career, and I've gone down and up and up and down and around.  But always the highs are not as high as they were at first.  The lows keep getting lower.  And all the while, I choose not to return to Jehovah.  The God I really need to connect with. 

I don't have enough strength to grab hold.  And if perchance I do, I can't hang on long enough to make a difference.  And its mostly my fault.  It did not have to be this way.  I hate this, I hate my life, I hate myself.  And here I am again, considering the final option.