Underwear

As the previous post mentioned I kept an appointment with an escort in early June.  As mentioned it was great, but very costly.  I can see maybe doing this once a quarter, but not more frequently than that.  At 1100, it is simply not something I am willing to do very often.  But honestly it is the only large expenditures that I consider later with fondness.  I have bought lots of stuff, that I later never or rarely use.  I very nearly bought another computer.  A very nice slim unit with plenty of power in a compact form; but again, what am I going to do with it that I cannot do with my current models, really nothing.

Without a job my life is circling around nothing.  Watching TV, porn and then topping it off with a jack session.  It is very empty and unsatisfying.  I joined a dating site but I'm not getting any serious responses.  Really.  Not too hard to imagine given my lack of success in the real world.  I guess it just feels like another nail in the coffin.

I have no solution, maybe just a plan to feel better about myself.  I say give myself 6 months to go out with my new escort and enjoy that relationship.  It is not sustainable in the long term but at once a month and 1300 (including dinner + hotel) per incident I could keep it up for that long.  Then maybe that would give me the internal peace to go off make a success of other areas in my life.

Obviously no one is going to recommend this course.  It has all the hallmarks of a mistake, but honestly I can't make myself do the things I should be doing so maybe allowing this "indulgence" will satisfy the internal needs that distract me from doing the really important things.

------------------------  Break  --------------------

So during the break I made arrangements to see my new favorite escort again in mid july.  Groan -- well shit! I am tired of doing the same thing expecting a different outcome.

Here is the anticipated breakdown:

Meal:  150
Companionship services (exclusive of any other activities:)  900
Hotel:  110

Total:  1160

Someone shoot me!

But again, this is one of the few things I will truly be looking forward to doing this summer.

This escort suggested I get the old battle ax to make an apple pie.  I was gushing about her cooking the last time we met.  I had a lot of weird feelings about doing that and had decided not to.  Then the bitch (THE bitch, certainly not my escort) calls me out of the blue and asks some inane question that I didn't want to answer.  So I respond "Why do you need to know" at which point she turns green, my phone gets slimy and I can see the fangs protruding.  Typical response.  I kept my cool though and ultimately agreed that I'll tell her what she wants to know if she makes the apple pie.

================   Break   ================

So now I am in full on "idolize" mode.  I am looking at clothes (mostly underwear) for my escort and dreaming of possible ways the date might go.  Lounging around her place with her in very relaxed state of mind and dress (not undressed just comfortably attired.)  Possibly watching a mentally stimulating (in an educational sort of way) TV program.  I just bought a set of MeUndies for her.  A full set, boy shorts, tee, socks and lounge pants.  I'm hopeless.

Resigned to Failure

So what does it look like when the neilsonnemeister comes undone?  Well I spent hundreds of dollars on dating sites.  Two to be specific, eHarmony and Tender.  Neither has proved to be effective in scoring an opportunity.  I go through the motions on each site, but I am only interested in the hottest women, and of course, from their perspective I am just one in a million dudes.  I don't stand out in any positive way.  I am sure to most of them I am just a old black guy and they swipe left.

I am back in the usual mix of porn and jack.  I seem to be headed to a twice a week routine.

The big news of the week is that I did a date with a provider last Friday.  It was a 2 hour thing.  I had a really good time and I think she did as well.  At least her assistant seemed to indicate as much.   Of course I sense a new challenge now.

When I did this before I climbed on a high that lasted for weeks or at least several days.  This high wasn't as intense and lasted for several hours.  The magic is over, but, as is usually the case with addictive substances or practices, I want more.  I really think that if I don't stop soon, I will be pulled into this thing and end up fornicating before I come up for air again.  That would be really bad.  Honestly I think that is what the bitch wants.  I wish I was strong enough to say "F*ck her" and then go off and do the right thing,  That isn't happening though.  I have identified 4 providers whose sites really speak to my soul.  I sometimes bring all 4 sites up in a browser session.  The only thing really holding me back is the extreme cost.  Last Friday night I spent 1100 USD to have that enjoyment (of her time and companionship only, seriously.)  It was fun. Really fun,  I am not sure it was $1100 worth of fun.  What could I have done with that Money?

A new dryer, a new big screen (moderately big) TV, All manner of work on my house.  The list of possibilities goes on and on.

The choices I made leave me to a very sucky life situation.  I hate it but I can't break away.  The cheeses don't seem to want to help in a meaningful way anymore.  That is, they won't study with me.  One just invited me out in FS again for the first time in 6 - 10 weeks.  Of course I am sick (legitimately so.)

The thing I really don't get is that whenever I am in a situation such that I really start trying for several weeks, all I ever seem to feel is rejection.  I have been out of work for 4 months now.  Finally someone cares enough to invite me out in FS.  It is unfortunate that I am sick.  But I really thought that people would have been more supportive.  It is not like I hid the fact that I am out of work.

Of course this is really all my fault.  If I know how to find out where and when the meeting for field service is.  I just wasn't interested enough to find out much less so enough to actually get myself out there.  I just need to make a plan and stick  to it.  It must incorporate a little (perhaps very little) of each of the primary elements.  Study, meetings, prayer and service.  Starting with the first 3 with a goal to add the 4th.  

That will automatically lead to association (some would say the 5th necessary component but it really isn't; it d*mn sure makes things easier though.)  Anyway, I think it will be a test of my will.  Not just to do the things listed but to stop doing the bad things (READ porn and jack and the growing possibility of dating non Jw's.) so that I have enough HS (Sanctus Espiritus as identified in the Within Temptation song) to keep up with the practices long enough for the good feelings (wanting to be at the meeting, wanting to go out in FS, wanting to associate with these people, and them wanting to include me in their cliques) to entrain me along into God's (and secondarily the congregation's) good graces.  Based on my ongoing failure, the possibility seems very remote.  We'll have to see what happens next.

I suppose I just don't pray enough, study enough, go to meetings enough to make that reaction self sustaining.  Of course throw in the HS sucking practices and one can see why it isn't working.

So I feel like I just can't get there from here.  Especially with the Elders telling me that they won't study with me anymore.  I imagine that must be HS talking but it feels like they are being punitive.  You aren't making enough progress so we aren't going to study with you.  That's their prerogative I suppose.  Who am I to argue with it.  I am just a pissant little spiritual zero.  They are the mighty elders, men of fame.

Ok that was bad.  I shouldn't talk about them in such disrespectful terms.  I am not going to delete it because it is what is in my mind.  I am sure, and I sincerely hope that I am wrong in thinking that.  Even if I am not and this is in fact what is going on, then God knows it and he can give me the strength to deal with it.  He may also know that all the porn I watched has left my mind hopelessly twisted and I am simply not fit to  comment at meetings at this point.  Maybe never.


Oh well, nothing left to do but to keep going.  Meeting tomorrow.  I should listen/watch this month's broadcast.  It seems so pointless, but what else am I going to do ?