So here I am again, in the truth but struggling to stay in. I am unhappy to still be here but very happy and glad at the same time. I think that I just don't realize how bad it is if I was truly separated from God's organization. It may feel like I have been separated (df'd) before but I really hadn't and I am sure it would feel a lot differently if I had.
I am really just frustrated now, I feel like the one outlet I had, going out with paid companions, has been removed as an option in my life. It is really the only thing that I really looked forward to. It was like a vacation that I would take twice a year. It cost just as much shorter. I still looked forward to it and remembered it fondly after it was over. And, probably the most telling sign, I would go back for more in spite of the extreme cost: more than 1K per event by the end. I know that I would fail the test if Lilly came back to the states. I think I had better try to not look at any information from her on line. I don't think she would actually email me again. I anticipate hearing from Kyra. I feel like I might pass that test, but not by much (unless I start relying on God a whole lot more than I am right now.)
Work is painful, I cannot progress without music. I am trying to make an appointment to see my psychiatrist to get more pills. They really help me to focus but I have to make it through until next weekend.
I did work out 5 times this week. That was probably the highlight of the year so far. (Unless you can call getting Censured by my church again a highlight, which deserves merit as the alternative would have been a life altering experience.) Familiar challenges return though. Fatigue esp in the afternoon, tinnitus. I continue to be disgusted with my mirror image when I am not clothed. I must be much heavier than I have ever been. I figure I will need a couple of years to get in shape. I need to loose minimum 50 lbs and bulk up the upper body. Once I have lost the fat, built bulk and endurance, I'll feel OK about joining a cycling club or something like that.
OK so a couple of days have past and I went to the meeting last night. Typical, extremely boring and I was totally uninterested. But I am sick and dying (spiritually.) The food I need doesn't taste good but what else can I do but just keep showing up for the meetings and trying to gulp it down. My work out routine has replaced my study time and I need to find a way to put the study back in my schedule. I haven't found that studying helps me enjoy the meeting during the time where I cannot comment. Anyway last night I my kid decided he wanted to talk after the meeting. I have learned to simply not discourage that if that is what he wants to do. It was cold out so I didn't want to stand outside. I ended up sitting at my seat for a half hour waiting for her to finish. I finally just pulled out my tablet, checked my email, looked at other stuff and was getting ready to start blogging. I don't have the strength I need to expose myself to the daggers of those in the congregation. I have been cut by so many (inside and outside the congregation) so frequently that I will be as pleasant as I know how to those who choose to speak, as some do when they walk by. The rest just pretend I am not there.
My kid used to tell people that they should include me in stuff. Now it seems that this is backfiring and he is getting frozen out. He doesn't just take it lying down. He is always on his feet looking for stuff that is going on in the congregation on a social level. He also has friends in other parts of the country that he can stay in touch with. Really good for him, 'cause right now I am just a warm place to stay (and a boat anchor) to him. As usual, I really hate myself. And, given my performance it certainly seems like I hate God as well. How could I be just so very stupid.
I have a meeting with my psychologist this evening. He hasn't heard that I didn't get kicked out yet. So I'll start with that and then go on to the anger. I need to get the tax accountant recommendation from him again. Honestly I don't know where to go from here with him.
I don't want to do Match 'cause that's real people with real feelings. Escorts are just too expensive. I'm just so tired of being alone. There must be something I could do.
A week passes
Still working out more or less every other day. It is hard to stay with it but I am lucky that there isn't much else going on. I like the feeling after i worked out. Tired but satisfied.
Today there was a special treat. A fresh young female athlete joined the regular crew of ugly guys in the gym this AM. Of course that means nothing to me, just some distracting visuals. I think I remember her from a week or two ago. I was on my way toward the exit and she was ahead of me going through the door leading into the building main lobby. She held the door as I was only a few paces behind her.
Very cute and well packaged. Small in size but no stranger to the gym. Of course as I am watching the mind wanders. (Yes, still male and born in the USA) I realized that if she came onto me (not that such a thing is even remotely likely) in that nrop movie kind of way, there's no way I could resist that. I'd just go stumbling to the deacons again saying "Well this just happened. . . ."
Highlight of the month that was.
So I continue to freeze when it comes to signing up for match and for another escort run. I suppose that in reality, the escorts are still available since I was kicked to the curb again for watching nrop not for going out to dinner with a "rent-a-date." But that's just from a "what could get me kicked out" standpoint. It is still too expensive.
I think about having to paint the house and redo the floors. I don't have the money for that hobby.
It's been a week and a half since sending in my prescriptions to our new and mandated email prescription filling service. After a week they said "we have your order. We'll ship in 3 or 4 days probably, and you still have to wait for return shipping. I hope to get the pills by mid next week. I think I will want to go back to Zoloft since that has the ess eee cross suppressing side effect. That would be really convenient to have going for me. Really, this is the last viable option for me getting myself turned around. Drugs, wonderful drugs. Take my problems away. (Where have I head that before.)
