Depression's Second Punch

"Anguish Writing" is the name I gave for my college release when I was so stressed out over exams, projects, tests, etc. I would reach for any scrap of paper and start writing what I felt.  It was a bit of a relief at the time, not hugely so, but enough to bring the stress under control.

I have kept this up but found that when the stress is at its highest, I can't function well enough to write things down.  That happened to me 7 years ago when my wife of many years announced she wanted a divorce.  Possibly more on that later, but this sparked a downward spiral into severe depression (ICD-9 code 296.33 for any clinicians out there.)  

Odd thing though about depression, when you are really down in the darkest corners, you stop caring about so many things.  People don't irritate you much because you just don't care what they think anymore.  I finally decided to start taking medication (of which I was deathly afraid earlier) and lo and behold, things are improving.  Very objectively I am able to focus more and could handle higher work loads efficiently.  (Brain work not manual labor.)  Then the sadness starts.

The feeling grow stronger by the week and  stronger and more frustrating.  So I speak to my analyst and he thinks it is because the things that old things that once bothered me I am now am starting to care about.  What am I so sad about, those of you still reading might ask?

I was never good at making friends.  As a confirmed introvert, that didn't bother me when I was well.  I had my family and a few relatives, work associates and church members.  The wife was an extrovert so she kept people coming over occasionally.  That was enough.  Now, sans family, I find that I have no friends.

You see just prior to divorcing I changed jobs, moved to a big city and of course changed churches.  Relatives are out of reach now for other reasons (later.)  Most people wouldn't find this too much of a challenge.  You make friends at work, join a social club, meet people at church, etc.  .  .  .  I actually started down that path.  However my religion takes a very dim view of divorce and when the "counsel" that reviewed my case rendered a decision I was severely sanctioned and certain activities in the church were now off limits.  The few fledgling church associates (Read: precursor to friend status) I had made began to evaporate steadily over several months.

Now I  am at the point where no one talks to me in church.  Work is OK, but in a commuter town, there isn't much after work socialization.  Also everyone my age is married.  Awkward for most of my work associates the vast majority of whom are married.  

When I was depressed, I couldn't care less.  Now I am coming out of the dark shadows; I care and I hurt.  I suppose that is a phase I have to go through to get better.  But I am desperate for friends & attention.  Without friends, I find that I go home on Fridays and don't speak to anyone (save an occasional store clerk) until Monday morning.  Quite literally I am untouched by another's human hands for 30 out of 31 days a month.  On the 31st day someone pats me on the back or shoulder, with a "Hi, hiya doin'".  That shouldn't count.  I do, on occasion, shake hands with someone.  Waugh!

Next post: My hugely unorthodox highly not recommended grasp for straws to pull myself out of this.