Back In

 

I made it back into my religion.  I'm not being shunned anymore.  It came about a little off schedule.  I had planned to resubmit my plea for reinstatement in September.  I figured that would allow plenty of time to have passed since my last transgression.  I figured it would come up during the hearing (it did.)  But for some reason I started thinking of going ahead and submitting the plea.  So, I did.

The committee almost rejected me.  I think it was because I didn't show all the emotion and talk about loving that they were accustomed to hearing.  After deliberating they told me that they were not going to let me back in.  I said   OK.  But for some reason I told them that I am not emotional, and I doubt that a month or two from now I was going to come back feeling all the wonderful feelings that they seemed to expect.  I told them that good behavior is the best I can do right now, and probably for a long time to come.  

I just left after that and started walking to my car.  But crazy enough, someone rushed out of the building and asked me to return.  I did and they had changed their mind.  So I am back in.  There are the typical constraints that come from having just been allowed to return after being kicked out.  But that is expected.  

I have managed to keep up a routine of study and prayer.  I think the study is particularly effective since I had been praying a lot before with limited effect.  So, I don't know what the rest will be like.  They want me to have a mentor that hasn't been selected yet.  We will see how that turns out.  

Edge of Salvation

 

I am pushing to get back into my religion recently.  I decided to wait until September, but for some reason I submitted a plea for return a few days ago.  It seems to take a week or so for the deacons to respond so I'm not holding my breath.  

A wave of nostalgia for the past wanton lifestyle came over me this AM.  I looked at some advertisements for escort services.  There is a pattern I had when using them.  I would look at the aggregation site and then open in new window the businesses in which I was particularly interested.  There are about 3 such aggregation sites I used regularly.  I visited all three this AM.  I went through the usual procedure and identified two candidates in particular that roused the most interest.  In the end I closed them all down without any attempt to contact the proprietors.  

If I am successful in getting back into the organization, this weakness will stay with me until the end of my imperfect life.  I will have to learn to deal with it better than I did this morning.

Work is just as frustrating as always.  I am trying to just let everything go and not worry about the disappointments there.  It simply isn't worth the mental effort.

I have started working through a number of courses on Linked-In Learning.  I am happy to be doing this.  Again, I am afraid that it won't last very long.