Never Again

 

I am not feeling overly dejected for having my application for re-establishment of myself into the congregation denied.  I think it may be more impactful than I know.  I want to use dejection as an excuse to return to the self-pleasing practices that got me kicked out in the first place.  The draw there is still pretty strong.  

My long(ish) term escort trashed me to her friends on Twitter.  I still feel pained over that.  I really thought we were, well, more friendly than that.  I know we aren't friends.  But I don't think it was kind.  But thinking of myself critically, I could see myself doing something similar.  I don't want to admit that, but I have been rather unkind in the past.  Nonetheless, that is helping me to stay away from her.  It also reminds me that many others of that ilk are equally, if not more unkind than she has been.  

How I get myself to do God's will all the time is unknown to me.  

It is morning now.  I need to start working.  I have found it very difficult to get engaged in work today.  I tried to start working a couple hours ago, but I just didn't get going.  

And I'm back after a couple of nonblogging months.  It is June now.  The last two have been pretty bad.  I quit going to meetings regularly, and I watch porn every other week.  It is sad.  I truly hate what I have turned into.  I can work pretty well.  The medication allows me to start early and work well until about 3:00 PM.  It is hard to be productive after that, but since I begin between 5:00 and 6:00, I am confident I am putting in an honest work day. I even spent a couple of hours working this past Sunday.  

I can't seem to do anything else, though.  I have gotten used to doing grocery shopping on Saturday AM.  

My son needs money for therapy.  250 clams per hour-long session.  Oh well.  I hope it helps.  She seems to suffer a lot.  

Work is, well, interesting.  My next challenge is a BA who is so sensitive if I think an unkind thought, she complains to her boss.  (who complains to his boss, who complains to my boss, who complains to me.)  What a crazy messed-up system we have to work out problems.   

I am sorely tempted to fall back to the old ways.  Cuddling is not available.  Tinder, A. Madison doesn't work well for me.  I genuinely hate where I am.  The deacons did hand me back to Satan when they rejected my application.  But, of course, this is my own damn fault.

** Long Break**

It is the middle of July now.  I took all of last week off for vacation.  I went nowhere.  I did basically nothing.  I kept trying to do stuff, and my mind refused to cooperate.  I read books, watched TV, and that's about it.  

Coming back to work this week, I feel much better.  I can work hard and steady for longer now.  It's a great feeling.  

However, I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that I may never be able to get work at home done anymore.  It has been 18 years since I have been gripped by this depression.  I can work but do nothing else.  

I even asked the bitch for help.  Imagine that.  After all the shit I took from her, connected to asking for help.  Appropriately she ignored my text.  NEVER AGAIN.

I am heartbroken that my plea for reunification was unsuccessful.  Of course, I dropped back into porn again.  I keep thinking I need to be 3 months clean to request reinstatement.  So that puts me in mid-October.  Of course, I probably will fail to make that goal and will be lucky if I am 3 months clean by 2023.  

I also toyed with hiring an escort with the hope of some serious and unscriptural intimacy (if the escort will allow.)  I just have to quit that.  I don't know if I ever will.  Damn, I sure hope so. 

The new convention videos are available now.  Maybe if I can get on board with that, I can claw back some lost ground.  Based on my performance to date, I doubt it, but I still hope to get something going.  

I am just such a piece of crap.  

I Read

 

What a steaming pile my life is.  

I can't tear myself away from looking for a proper companion for dinner & conversation.  

Break

I submitted my plea for readmission.  Fortunately, no emolument is required for such.  Just send an email and wait for the board to call me in for a hearing.  I imagine it will take a month or so.  But they might surprise me and do so within a week.  

I know that I will face a big problem since I have not been as consistent going to services as they would feel is ideal.  I plan to tell them that I am doing the best I can.  I decided to answer questions as simply as possible.  Also, I will try despirately not to get sucked into an arguement.  If they make a statement like "It doesn't sound reasonable" rather than being defensive, I will simply be silent (if I can hold my tongue.)  

They have a couple of times got me going with a statement with which I don't agree.  Then I get all upset and make statements that "seem" rebellious.  It is like they were trying to pick a fight.  

For cryin' out loud!  Enough of that.

Work has been interesting lately.  With the former boss from hell gone I am getting some interesting work going on.  Unfortunately, that boss's boss has been displaying his utter lack of software development understanding resulting in a lot of extra work for me.  In the meantime, I am trying to take advantage of a recent cash neutral policy to get a bunch of projects approved.  OMG that is so much work with the write ups and the financial justification.  Putting the write-ups in the proper format for them to see is really a pain.  Mostly it is just so time consuming.  

Depression is still kicking my butt.  I can't do anything around the house.  Even just applying Rain-X to the windshield of my car is difficult.  I have had that task on my list for a couple of weeks now.  I have new wiper blades and just installing them (as easy as they are to install) is turning into an exercise in procrastination.  Everything is like that.  Work is fine but nothing else works.

I feel like I need just a little help and then things would go so much better.  However, there is no one around to help, except God.  I have spent my life (especially recently) running away from Him so I can't expect him to swoop in and magically sort & file all my old paperwork.

And then there's the women.  I have no one to talk to so I still use escorts to do dinner dates.  I hope the board doesn't ask about that.  They will surely reject my application if they do and then another 3 - 6 months of sitting on the outside.  Of course, if I am admitted back into the church, I still have the issue of people not wanting to talk to me.  This particular church has changed a lot though.  There are so many people now that I never met before, so there is a chance.  I am not ready to do the volunteer work.  That is where I have the highest likelihood of getting to know someone in a friendly way.  And if you don't volunteer, then something is wrong with you.  That makes most people stay away.

I do read a lot.  That is the only thing I like about myself now.

Reflecting

I have been avoiding porn for a couple of months now.  One more and I will submit my plea for reunification with the congregation.  

I expect that they will find some reason to keep me out a few more months but that seems to be how it goes based on my limited experience with reinstatement pleas.  The lack of statistically significant sampling means I really don't know what is going to happen.  One thing is sure.

I will answer all their relevant questions.  I will offer no more than the answer to such questions.  I will insist on specific questions rather than try to answer buckshot questions like:  "How's it going?"  I feel I have been bated into saying things that are misunderstood.  I am determined not to let that happen again by focusing on the answers to relevant questions.

I expect them to argue that I am not being forthcoming however that is easily countered if I answer all the relevant questions.  

I am of mixed opinion as to whether to record the session.  It seems normal and fair given the fact that they make a record.  Actually, that seems to say it all right there.  I thought it would evidence a lack of trust in God to do so.  But then again, wouldn't that be true of them as well.  I am surprised I considered this for so long without reaching a decision before now. 

I am still trying not to use escorts.  However, a few things are working in that direction.  

1. I am on a anti-depressant that diminishes the sex drive.  
2. I am becoming acutely aware of the cost of such exploits.  
3. I am freshly reminded of outstanding liabilities.  
4. I have prayed for assistance and believe it is working

These items, most especially the last, have pinched off that habit.  While I would still make platonic appointments, the fact that I am black, fat, old and ugly has effectively eliminated that option.

I am still beset by the total lack of friends.  I do not anticipate that returning to the congregation will alleviate that problem, given the fact that I faced the same issue for over a decade when I was still a part of the congregation.  I think maybe after a few years, or after I move again, I'll have a chance to form a new friendship.  I just don't see that happening soon.

I am still dealing with depression.  It manifests itself with a near total lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile.  I hate that.  I used to be so productive.  It is like more than a decade of my life has been stolen from me since I can make no further progress my private aspirations.  Of course, that makes no sense.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I am fielding the result of my earlier behavior.  I am the one primarily to blame here.  Hence the self-loathing of which I have often spoken.

Yawn, More of The Same -- Why I'm Spireitually Dead

 

I can't even tell if I am being lazy or if my depression is preventing work.  I just don't feel like doing anything.  

I realized that I have been booted around all my life and very few have even tried to befriend me.  And because I never had any real friend, I didn't know how to respond to those who tried to befriend me.  And no, I didn't know what a good Christian looked lie.  I saw some good Christians, but I resisted their behavior thinking that that was just one path they chose.  I didn't realize that that was literally the best path one could take and that anything else is at best sub optimum.  At worst dangerous and leading its follower to destruction.  So that is one explanation of how I am here in this spiritually dead state.  

I decided to stop watching TV.  I made it about 24 hours or so, so no, I have no idea if this will carry through.  

I am making a concerted effort not to watch porn now.  If I make it, I can submit letter to get back in at the end of march.  It is always rejected in the first try of course so then I could resubmit in June to be back in by Assembly time.

Cardiologist says I really have to get my BP under control.  Medication won't be able to keep it in check by itself.  He described the situation as "running out of options.  So, I gave up coffee as a constant drink.  I am trying to limit myself to 1 cup day, and 1 cup decaf daily.  I am on day 3.  It seems to be working out OK.  and it has had a good impact on BP already.

So, I am listening to a broadcast* and the speaker says that being DF is like God taking over our recovery.  I don't think that is a good analogy but what do I know?  Maybe that is true, but I see it more like them throwing up their hands and saying, you are so bad we don't want to be bothered anymore.  Honestly, I was asking for a bible st udy before I got kicked out.  But the deacons refused.  

It is not like they were helping me learn stuff that I needed to know, it was helpful because it was a good spiritual discussion with someone.  That regular contact helped me tremendously to get back on the horse.  It was a long process though.  I think it was taking too long for the level of patience the deacons had with me.

Break

So I quit drinking so much coffee.  That was helpful.  I started walking on the treadmill again.  I was surprised I could walk for an hour just starting out.  I'd like to add rowing to my daily regimen but we'll see how far that gets.

I still can't do anything for myself.  I started organizing over the xmas break.  For the first week I didn't do jack but I got a few things done on the last few days. So I am dead inside again.  I can still work, but anything having to do with the home is static.  I can't get anything done on that account.  

I have sort of decided that this is as good as it gets for now.  I am settling in for working out the remainder of my secular care