Pre-Boot (Boot-out not Boot-up)

The process begins.

So I had the first meeting.  Only one guy was there which was a little disappointing since I was clear that this was a big deal.  They start out with the "How's it goin'" opening and I replied "Not good, that's why you are here."  Anyway they start with all this about we want to help you, which is now falling on rather jaundiced ears (to mix a metaphor.)

Well the bible says that God scurges thosw he loves, so I am psyching myself up to be scourged.  There is no way out.  I am just not in a hurry to get this done.  So after I tell him about the transgression, he calls another deacon and I have to tell him over the phone the nasty details.  Now they both say they want to help but there is no alternative.  I wish I could get it over with but on the other hand I want to push it off as long as possible.  It is like getting ready for a painful workout.  You want to get it over with, but you don't want to get started b/c it is so unpleasant.

So apart from the escort issues there is additional sins I must confess.  Spending the night with a woman.  Now, nothing happened mind you but the last time I transgressed, they told me that sleeping with a woman is considered a "serious sin".  Yea I agree it is a bad idea but I didn't see how they got to the serious sin part scripturally.  They didn't elaborate and I didn't believe their assessment.  Well spring forward many months and when the opportunity came along to do that again there wasn't enough resistance to the idea to keep me from doing it.

I am sure they still believe that this is a "serious sin" so that is just a few more screws (not nails) in my coffin.  I'm done for.

Its Thursday and still no work from the deacons regarding my dismissal hearing (ambiguously referred to as a: committee meeting.)  I'm not planning to remind them that it isn't set up yet.  I want to stretch it out since that lets more time go by since the last time I seriously sinned.  I know they are going to ask.  I'd rather say, yea the last time was 2 months ago, rather than 2 weeks ago.  No, they aren't going to wait 6 weeks to hold the meeting but it has already been almost 7 weeks and if I can strech it out to 10 weeks it will sound less bad.  Such are the ravings of a lunatic.  Arguing for leniency where there is no basis.  I really think I need to be kicked out.  Maybe it will knock some sense into me.  Of course maybe it will make me behave worse now that I am out of the organization officially.

There is no way I am going to survive other than through God's grace.  I really hate myself.

It's Friday and the dismissal hearing is not set.  This is good since the the hearing will probably be on the weekend of Jan 27th.  A good 8 weeks after the last "serious sin" incident.  A pointless exercise in grasping at straws though.  Once it happens that puts the approximatre boot call-out date at the Feb 8.  Always on the date of the first mid week meeting after the 7 day "appeal" period following the decision date.  What's a "boot call-out"?  That's when one of the deacons gets up in front of the congregation and says Neilsonne is not a christian anymore.  Public shaming followed by group shunning.  Oh well, I did the deed, I knew the rules and I have to suffer.  Again, not looking forward to it.  Its just what it is.

I did hear from my son yesterday that he will be in town this saturday.  So we can go to the meeting together.  It will be the 3rd time in a row.  I'm currently 3-3 (<attended> - <missed>) for meetings this year.  Looking forward to getting above 500 if I can make it with the kid tomorrow.  It all just seems so hopeless.  I mean a start is a start.  You have to start to get to where I need to be but when I think of the mountain i have to climb, especially comming out of the hole of excommunication, yea, it seems so hopeless.

*Sigh*😔

The Walking Dead

OK, that title evokes the wrong image.  "Dead Man Walking" is probably much better, though not as eye catching.  Whatever.

So it has been a while since the last post.  Yes I am still in that good paying but awful job.  It has gotten better but I am still in over my head and struggling to stay afloat.

I finally did it with multiple escorts.  Not all at once mind you.  But it is definitely enough to get me kicked out of the congregation.  Apparently the big dogs of the congregation have to at least try to contact dirt bag zeroes like me once per year and one contacted me offering "help."   Yes that unspecified non committal offer of assistance that can me anything from "Keep warm and well fed" to actually a commitment of time on a regular basis.  Of course I am still smarting from the last time I asked for help but was denied.

Anyway I said no (in so many words) and then realized that I really need to get the boot.  So I told him that I've done something bad.  Now that is the key issue that will make them jump through hoops to deal with me.  Anytime I tell them I've been bad, they come flying out of the woodwork to 'help."

In times past that has always meant some form of censure.  Not this time though.  I'm going to get the boot for sure.  No real question.  I find myself hoping I won't but there is no real question in my mind.  I've gone too far, I've touched the sun, I've come undone (but I digress.)

I talked to my kid and told him I'm getting the axe.  He was really sad.  I really just wanted a way to say "goodbye" since I don't know when the end is coming, but I know as well as one can know these things that we both won't make it.  So I wanted to acknowledge the love I had and say the words.

I never quite got there though.  We decided to help each other get to the meetings. So far we are 1 - 1.  I can't see how this will work out.

Meeting with the big dogs is on Saturday.  I keep thinking about what I'm going to say.  I really want to avoid it turning into me discussing how much I feel they could have done for me in the past.  They would see this as me blaming them for my issues.  Of course it isn't like if I avoid that I have a reasonable shot at changing my fate.  I have pretty much decided just to tell them what I did and wait for hammer to fall.  I worry that they will ask bating questions like:

"Why didn't you ask for help?"

"I did"

"How could you do something so terrible?"

"You try living alone with no friends"

"Why did you stop going to the meetings and make friends there?"

"What, like where everyone is having a good time, laughing and talking but people won't so much as make eye contact with me?  Oh yes, why wouldn't I want to be there every time?"
:
See?  There I go again. Been there & done that a hundred times in my mind.  I just got to hold it in on Saturday.  No point in playing that card.  Besides, I know in my heart that this is all my fault at the core.  I didn't get starved unfairly of Holy Spirit (Santos Espiritos.)  God gave me every bit I needed and more.  No one really to blame but me.  Naturally God will not let this go unpunished.  Hence the title.  I'm just waiting for death at his hands.

I still don't want to just say "F*ck it all" and dive into every vice with alacrity.  I don't want to be like that,  If I die, I want my last acts to be good, even if it is too late for me to redeem myself in God's eyes.

God Almighty I hate this, but I brought it on my own head.

(Of course if I think this is bad, just wait until the killin' starts (Armageddon.)  I guess it was thinking about that that made me want to say goodbye to the kid.  I am such a pitiful fool!)