I just don't know what to say anymore. My life is wasted. I am dead to God because of my really bad sins. I hate myself, I am loosing motivation to even do the most basic things in life.
I still am toying with escort services. I talked to one chick who decided I was a cop when I tried to drop off the deposit she requested. I should have walked away in a huff. Instead I hung around pining for her to meet in spite of her misgivings. I must learn never to do that again. Not for that kind of sh*t. Now at church, that is expected. You beg for whatever you want or need. You keep asking even though the initial answer is no. And of course I don't do that in church and so people think I'm not worthy of their time or attention.
I just have to learn to go to meetings regardless of how disagreeable it is to be there. To do it in spite of the fact that I don't want to. To be so determined that I just do what I need to do (basically going to the meetings at this point) regardless of my feelings to the contrary. I haven't yet built up the will to do so strong enough to overpower my resistance to going. I have to Study & Pray for the help to do so. I haven't been doing enough of that.
So, I think I'm gonna' die. A victim of Satan and his system, along with my own stupidity. What a sorry fate awaits me. They say that it doesn't need to be this way. That "all I have to do" is turn to God and he will help me to succeed in resisting Satan. But I haven't yet succeeded in doing so. I know I don't have much time left, but I'm sure that if I had another 30 years, I'd find a way to screw it up. Damn!
