Prayer 20170228 0740 Hours

Sometimes I can't collect my thoughts and pray at the same time, so I decided to write this one down:

Oh dear God, what have I done with my life.  It is just a mess; I am headed for another major failure.  I can't get myself to the meetings and I am seeing cuddlists for the personal comfort and nuzzling that I need.  However it exposes me to danger in some sense.  I am not comfortable with the practice but I feel like I need it, but I am sure it is similar to, but not as strong as, the need of an addict for their drug of choice, be it alcohol, heroin or coffee.

I have chosen badly, electing Satan's world over yours.  I have suffered and I'll suffer more yet.  I have felt the absence of joy and hope poignantly.  It cuts deep into my soul.  But like a monkey with his hand in a capture jar, I can't let go.  I can feel my resistance to Satan's siren song fading, as much as I want to hold to cold logic.  Logic that says serve Jehovah with all your strength.

But I listen to Satan's music, I work in his world I entertain myself with his media and I visit his escorts.  No wonder I am failing.  No wonder I can't get to the meetings.

But what now, Jehovah, how do I make myself turn to you, listen to your voice and maybe one day serve you more than the previous day each day forward.  Honestly it seems impossible.  I know it is not impossible to you, but since the elders have given up on me, I haven't been successful.  I guess I do blame them some, even as cold logic and real evidence tells me that I am primarily to blame.  This morass is of my own doing.  I hate myself for it. 

Thank you for the good things and I am really glad mom and dad will enjoy a great life.  Please help them forget about me if I don't make it.  Help Wendy carry on as well, please.  I am so deeply ashamed of myself.  I ache at heart and want to hide myself from you.  But that's worse than continuing to try, even weakly.  I wonder if this is how Adam felt. 

For now my request is simple, please help me get to the meeting today. 

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

And yet more Sh*t

This is old, I'm just going to post it so that it is in the correct order, but it really comes from late 2016.

Lots of stuff is going on now. I am seriously starting to get rid of my house Lower Va.  I'm having loads of trouble with my new job. I have almost completely fallen out of the truth (again) and, to that point, I had an in-call session with a really hot but very nice provider (nothing happened.) I almost had a session with another smoking hot provider.  I got scared in a dentist chair and prayed to God for the first time in a long time.  I missed another assembly.  I am sitting here thinking about going to a meeting for the first time in a very long time.  What makes this time different is that I actually downloaded the meeting workbook and updated the links to the attendant materials to be sure I have everything.  I won't be surprised if my car breaks down on the way there. Oh, and I am exercising more and loosing weight, although the past 2 days I seem to have plateaued and I just pigged out on some left over sandwiches in the kitchen.

Oh and I am still trying with the bitch from FL.  Played it cool last weekend.  Made her day with a comment and then went dark.  Probably pick it up again this weekend.

Oh yes and I am picking up morning bible reading again (for the past several days or so.)

A living breathing study in contrasts this is.

Of course now its 5:30, I am dog tired.  I realize I can't get up at 2:00 AM and expect to go to a 7:30 meeting that gets me home at 10:00 PM.  I can't do  that any more, even when I am exercising.  I think I'm going to have to skip exercising on meeting days.  Maybe get up at 4:30 or even 5:00 on those days.