Reflecting

I have been avoiding porn for a couple of months now.  One more and I will submit my plea for reunification with the congregation.  

I expect that they will find some reason to keep me out a few more months but that seems to be how it goes based on my limited experience with reinstatement pleas.  The lack of statistically significant sampling means I really don't know what is going to happen.  One thing is sure.

I will answer all their relevant questions.  I will offer no more than the answer to such questions.  I will insist on specific questions rather than try to answer buckshot questions like:  "How's it going?"  I feel I have been bated into saying things that are misunderstood.  I am determined not to let that happen again by focusing on the answers to relevant questions.

I expect them to argue that I am not being forthcoming however that is easily countered if I answer all the relevant questions.  

I am of mixed opinion as to whether to record the session.  It seems normal and fair given the fact that they make a record.  Actually, that seems to say it all right there.  I thought it would evidence a lack of trust in God to do so.  But then again, wouldn't that be true of them as well.  I am surprised I considered this for so long without reaching a decision before now. 

I am still trying not to use escorts.  However, a few things are working in that direction.  

1. I am on a anti-depressant that diminishes the sex drive.  
2. I am becoming acutely aware of the cost of such exploits.  
3. I am freshly reminded of outstanding liabilities.  
4. I have prayed for assistance and believe it is working

These items, most especially the last, have pinched off that habit.  While I would still make platonic appointments, the fact that I am black, fat, old and ugly has effectively eliminated that option.

I am still beset by the total lack of friends.  I do not anticipate that returning to the congregation will alleviate that problem, given the fact that I faced the same issue for over a decade when I was still a part of the congregation.  I think maybe after a few years, or after I move again, I'll have a chance to form a new friendship.  I just don't see that happening soon.

I am still dealing with depression.  It manifests itself with a near total lack of motivation to do anything worthwhile.  I hate that.  I used to be so productive.  It is like more than a decade of my life has been stolen from me since I can make no further progress my private aspirations.  Of course, that makes no sense.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I am fielding the result of my earlier behavior.  I am the one primarily to blame here.  Hence the self-loathing of which I have often spoken.