So I am on some new medication now. This is the early part of the second week. Surprisingly it actually seems to be working. I started getting stuff done around the house and then yesterday, for the first time since the pandemic started, I was able to work until about 8:00 PM. I went to bed at a normalish 9:00 PM or so and slept entirely through the night.
Some wierd stuff is happening though. I will get very tired and sleepy in mid afternoon like around 4:00. The last time it happened I had to post an brb note on my calendar at work I took a horu long nap and revived. It happened again today, I just ate a whole lot of stuff and then it sort of went away.
** Break **
Well the medication continues to work. I did go through a period of extremely down feeling for a couple of weeks. I discussed this with my Dr. and she gave me some new pills. I feel better now. Not euphoric but just better.
Work continues to be a drag. I don't know how many times I decided to leave but I just can't seem to do so.
I'm not going to church. I am not studying the bible. God will judge me and I believe I will be judged fairly but negatively from my perspective. I just choose not to do his will. I often pray fervently to change but it is just not happening.
I feel like I am nearly back to myself in productivity but I can't work past 5:00 PM. After that I can't seem to do anything other than read or watch TV. I am such a bum. I hate what I have grown up to be.
So I made plans to see Ms dehavilland yesterday. It is expensive but my goodness I have been so isolated recently. I really need someone to talk to for a few houirs over dinner. It is a social visit meaning that it is primarily in public space so no worries about getting in over my head. I had cancelled a visit with her b/c I was worried about how it would look to the expulsion committee. But I figure if they hand me over to Satan, then that is the only place I can get the association I need to maintain my sanity.
* Short Break *
So I am feeling guilty about seeing Ms de Havilland again. I know God isn't happy about it but I figure that I need it to protect my mental health. I am always alone and always isolated. It wasn't so bad for the first several months. But as the months and then a year passed, I recognized that it really hurts to be alone ALL the time. I also recognize that I have no friends. Now, it is really pathetic that the only pseudo friends I have are those to whom I pay money to compensate them for associating with me. But here I am. I have no friends and no one who wants to be friends with me. So I pay people to pose as my friend. While they are good at it, and an outside observer might not be able to discern the difference (except for the money passing, and the age difference) I still recognize that this is a business transaction and that these people are not my real friends. Yet it temporarily massages the deep need I have for some association with those who care, at least a little bit.
Pathetic, that's the word for my situation. And it is primarily my fault. If I had served God the way I should have my life would be so different. I'd have a purpose and I'd feel good about myself. I would be a very different person now. But here I am. That is one reason I get so depressed that suicide appears to be a good option. Of course suicide makes no sense logically so I don't entertain it for long, but it does come to mind often.
* Short Break *
So I continue to suffer from severe distraction that makes it much harderfor me to focus on work that needs to be done. I hate the fact that I cannot focus for long periods of time, particularly when required to do things with which I am uncomfortable. I continue to feel guilty about seeing Ms deHavilland. Nonetheless I know I need contact with other humans in order to maintain my balance. So I will continue with the meeting.
I'm feeling worse these days. But there seems to be no relief in sight. I'm still 3 months away from submitting my application for reinstatement (its just a letter requesting the same.) I don't know what to do to change my situation. I pray for a while but then I start forgetting to do so. I read the text and Watchtower for a while and then I start forgetting to do so. I am now playing the convention during the day. I'm sure before long I'll start forgetting to do that again. I can't seem to be consistent with anything.
I keep reviewing the fact that I am at the end of my career and nearing the end of my life and there is nothing (except my son) that I am really proud of. I just thoroughly hate where I am in my life. There seems to be no prospect for improvement.
