Life gets more complicated as you get older. I hate myself now. Why? Well, it's complicated. The bottom line is bad decisions that have brought bad consequences.
How to you break the cycle and make a hard change like retiring and moving back somewhere. selling everything, buying a camper and living on a camp site somewhere, moving to Mexico with a pocket full of cash, I don't know what. Of course those aren't things I'd likely do. So I think I have reached the end of all hope.
Of course there is still that grasping at straws level of hope. That which makes us shout for help long after reasonable hope ends. I wish I could face death with a calm cool and collected stare, but that's just for movies and books. My death will mean nothing. Jesus and countless other good JW's have already proved Satan to be a liar. My death will be the result of my stupidity, negligence and cowardice. I wish I could do something to help. So I give money. Not much but some. It's my only contribution. I know they will make good use of it, if that is God's will.
So today is the big day. Been waiting for this day for nearly a month. I'm scheduled to go out with a provider I've been admiring for a couple of months now. She is tall (176 cm) and slim and I'm guessing pretty as well. It's a dinner and snuggle meeting. Of course I still feel bad about it b/c I know God doesn't like it when I do this. I just get so lonely. I get lonely and then I get crazy and then I make appointments with cuddlists and/or escort providers. Certainly my rational mind won't spend several thousand dollars on a few hours of engagement. That is hard for me to grasp these days. How did I decide to do this? Well this is what it is like to serve the god of this world. How did I get here?
It's 2:00 PM and no contact with Miss De Havilland. A little surprising but not excessively so. This event is a super big deal for me, but just another evening for her. The thing is I have been interacting with her so much I don't think she is at all worried that I might be a no show.
Break
So the meeting went ahead last night. It was hugely successful in that I got the pleasant conversation and warm connection I sought. Turns out this woman is basically a genius and works as a computational chemist research assistant for a major and prestigious university in London. So she is off the charts smart but surprisingly down to earth. There was almost zero conversation lag. Constant meaningful exchange for almost 5 hours. Miss De Havilland is like a fine wine. Not sweet to the taste but very full bodied and pleasant to engage. You realize that there is more to the story even after the first bottle is gone.
It is all just fake though. Today she is tweeting about a great gift card from another client (I suppose) which apparently puts my little gift to shame. It is becoming obvious to even my own thick headed self that I want a girlfriend, not an escort. I wish she would be my girlfriend, and I also hope to find the keys to a Ferrari walking over to my Dr. Appt. Fun to think about, but not going to happen.
Break Break . . . Break
So at least 10 weeks since the last entry above. I made arrangements to see that same provder agan. I also bought an outfit she was lusting over on Twitter. With the COVID situation I prepaid and got an extra 2 hours free. I booked for 4 hours so next time there will be plenty of time to eat, talk and snuggle.
For some strange reason I have been reading the Text/Wt Article the last few days. It may stop tomorrow, next week or next month. Given my history I give 75% chance that it will stop. Nonetheless I am (currently) praying for continuation of the studying. I have another 11 months to go before I can consider applying for de-censure. Of course you aren't totally OK after that. You have to spend a few months as "Provisionally Acceptable" and if you do enough FS and comment at meetings and all then they give you the "Almost Fully OK" status which means you don't have to identify yourself as a provisional member, but you can interact as though you don't have any issues. However you can't do anything "Special" for another 5 years. So minimum 6 years to full recovery, and that is if things go swimmingly all that time. So you can see why I have so little hope. It's just not happening.
