Well, crap! what now.
So, yet again, I have come to the conclusion that I am likely to die at Armageddon if not sooner. I keep asking myself what I could could make or force myself to do to get off this wagon train and onto a new vehicle (God's Salvation Train -- much different than the "Gospel Train" of youthful melodies. To wit: "The Gospel train is commin' I hear it close at hand, I hear the engines rumblin' and roarin' 'cross the land; So get on board, little children, get on board. Get on board . . . [I forget the rest])
But I digress.
I am in such sh*t right now. I truly don't know what to do. Quitting seems pointless but I am loosing motivation to do anything positive these days. I have a 3 day weekend coming up. I look forward to it in that I can spend more time resting. I dread it a bit b/c without the structure of going to work, I spend my time watching TV, watching nrop and knifing up. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do so stop this trend.
Maybe I can pick up something and just start learning it from scratch, like web development?
Or maybe Database work like with Cache or MongoDB
I went to the doctor for the first time in many months. (Of course in the past there has been decades between dr visits but now that I am old and decrepit several months is a long time. I needed an STD screening. At first the doc recommended just doing 2, clamidia and one other I forget. But then I told her that I see adult entertainment providers (AEP's) and she is giving me a full battery of testing. All the ones available. She is also doing the labs to see if I can take the special anti hepres (I think) pill to reduce the chance of infection in the future.
No results yet though. She does recommend retesting every 3 - 4 months. I definately think that's a good idea if this level of sexual activity keeps up.
BREAK BREAK BREAK
So there is no significance to the fact that there are 3 (count 'em 3) "Break"s in the above line. I just want it prominent that time has passed between this statement and the last.
So the Doc found no STD's which is a huge relief. Not just b/c I'm not infected but also b/c I don't feel guilty about potentially passing something on to others. Now I am really hesitant to engage in any more activity. Of course that's a good thing but I doubt if that hesitation is enough to preclude activity into the future. I am still feeling gratified by the last encounter. I think about it often. I like the how the provider behaved during the encounter. She was unafraid of adjusting and changing to get the feeling she wanted. She kept shifting from one position to another. Of course I was totally enjoying myself. But I don't want to think about that too much. That was a singular experience in my mind. Not one likely to be repeated again soon.
I am really struggling work-wise. I see myself as barely qualified to do the work here. I want to run away, but I need the job (actually the money the job pays.) Today I feel unusually agitated. I am not sure why. It may be b/c my Doc put me on Prozac recently. I remember one other time when I was on antidepressants (goose creek psycho center) the doc put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I recall that was a pretty good combination.
Anyway I'm thinking I'll leave early today. I don't know how to justify it though. I just know I am really having trouble getting anything done now.
I got so sleepy yesterday afternoon. I ended up leaving the office at 4:30. So I feel bad about leaving early again today. I know I get in early every day, but I really need the extra time just to put in a full day's work with all the issues I have going on.
The anxiety seems to be passing. I can focus now a lot better than before. Maybe it was a sugar rush from the wedding (shower) cake I ate right after lunch. It had tons of icing. But of course now I feel really sleepy again. I wonder if this too is a side effect of Prozac. This pill popping crap is for the birds, but what else can I do? I am such a mess right now.
For the last few days I have particularly felt badly. Focusing on the uselessness of the life I led and how I could have had a great life with lots of positive feedback if only I had chosen to serve God instead of serving myself.
I'm feeling a hot flash coming on now. Crap!.
I have an assembly this weekend. I'll go to the one that my son is attending so I'll see him. Can't talk to him but (according to the latest information of which I am aware) it is OK to sit beside him.
