While I was on a lunch-time walk I was contemplating how introverts manage with minimal companionship. Here is what I've seen:
- Form tight bond to just one or two close friends
- Get with Family and enjoy their company. Includes:
- Spouse
- Siblings
- Parents
- Cousins
- Form tight associations with work colleagues
- Get with people in the church
- Other support groups.
I go down that list and answer no or not-available to each of these opportunities.
Yea I know, this is another poor-me post. More sh*t about how bad I have it. At least I'm not spending my days avoiding snipers and un-exploded ordinance. Yea, that's pretty great that I don't have to deal with that. I just can't shake the reality that with just a little bit better planning & execution, I never would have had to deal with any of this crap. But nothing to do about that now and the only thing to do is carry forward.
Tinder is going to be the new death of me. As I ramp up JW studying I am losing interest, but the potential to hang with women is too great for me to avoid. Of course I could if I'd pray more, but I don't. I guess I could have avoided most of the bad crap I've had to deal with if I would pray and obey. But I don't. Yea, altogether now: IHMS.
Good value provider in town this week. So far I haven't succumbed to her charms (her advertisements.) Actually I think I will avoid her b/c she is a very good value and those tend to book up pretty completely.
Had an ess eee cross dream last night. It was pretty interesting. This was with a very pretty blonde that I seemed to have an LTR with. We were lying in bed and she was asleep. I came along wanting to wake her up and have ess eee cross. I remembered how much the bitch used to hate it when I tried to do that with her but that, me being a guy, didn't stop me from trying. To my pleasant surprise, she woke up and wanted to engage.
It wasn't a conversation really but when I maneuvered for insertion she adjusted to facilitate capture. I remembered feeling like that was really nice of her to be so accommodating. I recall pumping for a while, her getting thoroughly engaged and then assisted with her own self manipulation to aid in a pleasant completion which she achieved. I didn't though. But I wasn't disappointed. I was just happy that she was satisfied.
It is weird that I often dream of things that are far better than what is remotely possible. But there, I did it again. A woman so beautiful and young (about late 20's to early 30's.) So willing. Sleeping without any encumbrances that would delay engagement. I think I have just described all the essential features of the perfect woman (said tongue in cheek.)
I don't often have these kinds of dreams. I think this is the second one this year. I don't expect another one before 2020 and I wouldn't be surprised if it is not until 2021. Well I suppose that was the height of my day today.
I do have that date with the gal from Tinder on Sunday. I am really looking forward to that. She is tall and not slim at all but I am trying to internalize that so that I don't have disappointment showing on my face when we meet. I am really just hoping for a nice conversation and the start of an occasional event companion. I don't see a romantic LTR but I am hoping for a good friend.
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So it has been something like a month, at least a few weeks since th above post.
Today finds me with two, countem, two engagements scheduled with separate courtesans. I know, sutpid, stupid stupid. But there it is. One is tall the other is petite.
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So I saw the tall one last night. Russian gal. Very fit. It was a stellar episode. Of course I hoped it would be since it is likely to cost me my life. Interesting that after I made arrangements I felt really bad. Not the kind of experience you hope for when you just decided to spend over 150 clams.
In some sense this blog reminds me of a "failure analysis." My life is completely broken and is crashing and burning actively. Pieces are still flying around and there is more fuel left to ignight. It is not a matter of saving the plane anymore, but there may be some survivors who could be spared. So who am I kidding, the pilot never survives a bad crash. They are the first to die.
BREAK
So over the weekend I quasi intentionally (but most effectively) cancelled my next appt with a provider. I was glad / sad that I did. I also missed the Orf concert b/c I couldn't find anyone to go with me, not even if I paid them.
Sunday was just another lost cause. I did laundry and watched TV. That was about it. I'm still thinking about the provider I saw earlier. Man that woman was incredible.
Of course I often think of how far I am away from the shore of God's approval. It's one thing when you look at what you did and are only mildly interested. But now I look at her and she just seems like a real double handful of enjoyment. And it is all just so very sinnful. So what emerges is a brief poof of a great feeling preceeded and followed by gloom over the state I am in regarding my lost relationship with God. And I look across over the desert of my life and I sigh. For I see no hope, other thatn that which would have, could have come from God if I had only listened and obeyed. There just seems to be no chance anymore. I have just been too terribly bad and refused God's hand of help.
