So I did the escort thing earlier this week. And no, I didn't stop at just talking. I got to the room, dropped greeting card and just started undressing like it was perfectly normal. It was a really supurb session. (However no money was exchanged for illegal services.)
Now I just feel so very bad. I went to the meeting. I thought about my daliance in middle thereof. I keep thinking about how much longer I will have to be out before I can get back in now. My son will be so disappointed in me when he finds out. I have to work harder to love what is good and hate what is bad.
I really need to focus on filling my time with specific activities so I don't have long stretches of free time, which is when I get into trouble.
I really want to make it this time. Of course I would have said the same thing all the other times so I have no idea if I am really improving. There is no "spirituality" scale for df'd people. I guess there is no such thing for anyone but certain metrics do tell a tale as long as the motivation for the measured activities is reasonably pure. I am afraid to look actually. It seems like once I start measuring my progress, I find something to trip over.
I used to dream of immoral things when I was much younger. I never really broke myself of the habit. Now the chickens continue to flock homeward and are roosting in every conceivable nook of my being. Were it not for the fact that with God all things are possible, I'd just throw in the towel. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me doing these bad things is cost. So I don't really think I am any better than I was. That is what makes this whole effort so pointless.
I know that I am trying. I really did. I still am. I am not successful which means that I am not getting the help I need. That has to be my fault. B/c if one asks God for help in sincerity he will respond with what we need, and apparently at least a little more as well.
D*mn, someone shoot me in the head and get this over with. No, not really. I still think I might be able to help my son. The test is still going on. I don't want to just quit. IHMs so very much right now.
A week later now. Time goes on. I still regret my decision to do the deed. I realize now that they probebly won't let me back in until spring 2019. A year after I did it last. Oh well. D*mn. I F*cked up again. And now that I know the issue is still inside me, I know there is a good chance I'll completely fall off the wagon and do it again several more times before getting back under control, if that ecer happens. Honestly I think Armagedon will come first. I have very little confidence that I can meet God's standards to be able to get his help. I am just too broken.
