Well time has continued its march and I have continued stagnant. Actually no, not stagnant regressing. I have actually done it now, twice. Once with an escort that I really liked in email but I couldn't get into in person. The other was great, I mean really great looking and had an interesting perspective. The sex was great for her but only marginal for me. I couldn't keep things as stiff as usual. I never came, either time.
The whole time with both providers I just kept thinking about how I was doing what was wrong and that I would have to pay for this infraction (besides the money I paid the escorts -- for their time and companionship only. We made no agreement regarding anything except time and companionship.) No I will almost assuredly get kicked out of the congregation now. The big df.
I have been down all week about it. It has only stunted my improvement from my depressed state.
The meds are ok now. No hands shaking and minimal jumpiness. Its still there but not nearly as bad as it was.
I continue to waste every single weekend.
I mean I am really unhappy now. No friends, no good prospects for friends. Soon to be (if not already in principle) out of the congregation. Life is really looking dark now. Yes, I know I have much to be thankful for, but I just can't manage to get my arms around the things I need to do.
I still can't gather the fortitude to get to any meetings. I keep thinking "I'll go next time for sure." and then as the time for getting ready approaches, all the energy just drains from my body and I can't get motivated to move a muscle toward the shower, or toward the car. What a useless sloth I have become. Useful to no one. I continue to digress in speech, writing and in life. There seems to be little hope now. I don't even pray very much. Not reading the text. Reading the bible only occasionally.
I love the picture for this post. It is what I feel every time I am in the meeting and someone asks that. I concluded long ago that people really don't care how you are doing. It's just a polite thing to say. If the phrase of greeting was as deep and meaningful as "snarf kufuffelouf gemanison" it would be just as useful. No one says that, 'cause that's not the custom. They say "Hi, how are you" and you are supposed to respond: "Fine and you?" That exchange is just as meaningful as "snarf kufuffelouf" to which the recipient responds "gemanison." and the exchange is over. Same amount of information is passed. Everyone has been polite.
This is really bad, and I don't need a circle of deacons to tell me that. I can't seem to fix it.
I still think of ending it all, but it is a distant thought at this point. I don't think I'd ever get there. It is like pulling a jar of poison off the shelf and looking at it longingly for a few minutes, realizing that it is a poor choice, and then putting it back on the shelf. If I was going to end it all, it would have been like 3 years ago. That was bad. Probably the worst off I have ever been. Now it is bad, actually worse spiritually. Back then I wasn't facing expulsion as I am now.
All this with the constant realization that I have totally wasted my life. It's all in flames now. No hope of savior except from God. Of course there are much larger issues going on in his realm. I am just nothing, especially given the fact that I chose to be in this situation. I am not sitting in some military prison for remaining firm for my faith. I am in this mental prison for giving in to my carnal and material desires. That's the hell of it. This is mostly my fault. I can't blame the 'rents, or the bitch, or the deacons. This is just me baby. No body twisted my arm and said go to college, or go to Wilmington DE to work for DuPont. No one made me take that stinky job in Charlotte or in any one of the other half dozen places I moved to in order to follow my "career" (such that it is.)
