So in my last post, I was toying with the idea of asking for a study.  Well I did, via email.  I got a response that this "warmed the heart" of the recipient which I have difficulty understanding.  It seemed more like the person would breath a dejected sigh that they have to deal with me again.  I took it as a confusing sign.  I have long known (but rarely accepted, to my chagrin) that you have to look at a person's actions not their words.

So I talk to the guy after a meeting and he says, "let's do coffee and talk about this?"  I am thinking "What the hell?  Why would we schedule some future time to discuss this when we are both here now?"  I responded "We can talk right here."

"OK" he says.  He asked about my routine and I mentioned that all I do is study the Wt in the mornings.  He suggested adding a daily scripture and read the bible a chapter a day.  I said OK.  Then he said let's talk again in 2 weeks.  *Sigh*  What am I going to say to that?  "F*ck no! Let's get this show on the road!  I haven't done Jack for the last 10 years now let's rock and roll!"  No, of course not, that would be really stupid, not to mention unChristian.  So now I'm just waitin' and trying (mostly failing) to read the Bible as suggested.  I can feel the despair creeping back into my life.  I need to pray more.

Today I found that I was having a lot of trouble studying the Wt.  Then I put on some Goth and was at least able to get a few paragraphs done.  That's wierd.  The Goth seems to entangle part of my brain that is keeping the other part from studying.  I don't understand it but it seems to work.

I don't think it was this bad earlier this year.  Maybe it is the time change and the additional hours of darkness.

I was listening to a program on line and a GB person used Ezekiel 3:18,19

When I say to someone wicked, ‘You will surely die,’ but you do not warn him, and you fail to speak in order to warn the wicked one to turn from his wicked course so that he may stay alive,+ he will die for his error because he is wicked,+but I will ask his blood back from you.*+ 19 But if you warn someone wicked and he does not turn back from his wickedness and from his wicked course, he will die for his error, but you will certainly save your own life.*+

He used as a specific example an inactive person whose relatives think that somehow God will understand when judgment day comes.  Using this scripture as evidence he concluded that This God, the God of the bible says something different.

I don't do FS which means I am not warning people which means (as well as I understand it, and as supported by his (the GB person) as well) I ain't gonna make it into the GtCwd.  *Sign*.  (I actually do that a lot in real life.  I recall once, when I was married my wife got so irritated at me b/c I had just sighed.  I was surprised b/c I wasn't even aware of how much I do so.  Now when I am around my brother I hear him doing the same thing all the time, and I get irritated.)  Anyway, I am a dead man walking as far as I can tell.  That last phrase, "as far as I can tell."  I guess I still hope that God will understand even after the GB person slammed the door on that thinking.  I know I F*cked up my life. God didn't choke the holy spirit to a point where I couldn't make the right decision, I turned my back on him.

People keep saying "remember that Christ died for you personally" I am sure that is true.  Bible says it, GB applies it this way.  I am sure there is something to that line of thinking. Yes it must be right.  It is still hard to get my head around it.  I keep thinking that he died for good people, not my lame and broke down self.  I suppose Manassas was even more broke down than me given his history.  Satan doesn't yet have me sitting in a prison cell, so I haven't taken as much time as I am sure Manassas had to consider it.  I hope I do so in more comfortable circumstances.  Who knows.  God may allow Satan to do the same to me.  Even though that if I am persecuted for his sake, I still believe he won't let me be tempted beyond what I can take.  I do believe I will fail that test.  i have failed most others.

I looked at nrop again this weekend. many times.  I still haven's shaken that.  I am sure I will though; after I kick the bucket, I won't have any interest in that anymore.  And, of course God won't have any interest in me.  So things are bad but I also intellectually know that God will help me if it is not too late.

So it's 2 weeks later now and I did the first study with the dude.  It is pretty much what I expected, just reviewing material.  But I think I need that.  I don't have expectations of making any real connection.  The guy I am studying with is a nice guy.  He wants me to get in touch with the feelings of love (agape) God has for us.  That's a good idea, but it is more of an intellectual concept for me.

Someone switched off the nrop channel in my head for a couple of weeks.  Now the pain in the groin is back that comes from fluid buildup without regular release.  It won't kill me but it sure is uncomfortable.  With that comes the mental nrop that just comes bustin' out.  I guess there is no escaping that.

I decided to get with my son and read the Bible regularly.  We've made it two times now.  Yahoo!  I'm supposed to go to visit family this weekend.  Right after I made that appointment my current paid companion sent me a note saying she'd be in town this weekend.  If I hadn't just made arrangements I am sure I would have met with her, even if just for an hour or so.

I'm having more trouble concentrating at work.  I have to listen to music to get myself going.   Goth still works best, but my Femme-Fatale music collection is also getting a work out, along with Modern Strings.

I am not very encouraged now.  I have been here so many times and just failed again and again.  Whatever!  Giving up is giving up on life, and I'm not ready to do that.  I know I won't pass the test when Lilly comes to town (if she ever does.)  I am almost sure I won't pass when Linda comes next time.  It's like when you get the first two cards to stand up independently.  All towers start with the first stone, but, really; how many towers were started compared to the number that were actually completed to a degree that meant anything.  I just can't get excited at this point.

I just feel limp.  It's just so very frustrating, knowing that you are likely to die at God's hand and having tried so many times that further attempts seem so futile; the challenges are daunting and I have failed so many times before.

D*mn, I just hate myself and my life and my situation and all the badness I have poured upon myself in my life of disservice to God.  Such futility, and the sword of the IRS hangs over me ready to cut me in half.  Actually that would be too kind,  It will begin  the first of thousands of cuts, I don't know when.