One Step Forward . . .

Sliding back into the muck of depression isn't a pretty thing to watch.  You struggle, rationalize, watch mistakes happening feeling powerless to stop them.  Now I am watching my body stretch into grotesque shapes as I see the results of my attempts to calm my mind with food.  The words of others just seem like infantile babbling.  I reach to the old stand-by for solving problems; I try to think them through.  It just accelerates the downward spiral as I see the interconnects that make the issues seem so intractable.  I think of the mistakes I made in the past that have lead to such a miserable life.  It is not like I am a poor hungry child of warfare.  They can't help themselves.  More like a fat and spoiled brat addicted to money.

I think about the mistakes I made that led to bad decisions of my children and realize that I share huge responsibility for their demise.  All of them!  I am sick at heart, ugly to God and deserve nothing but death at his hand.  I listen to myself and Satan instead of that which few people have the chance to hear clearly,  What an idiot I am.

And I know it will get worse.  I am a coward and cannot stand the impending doom.  I am under shadow, I've lost the light.  I know where to run but feel paralyzed.  I can't move even though I know that I must be able to do so. I just watch for the first pressure wave.  And I know its going to hurt, a lot, until I am finally dead.  Dead at God's hand.  And yet I am so thoroughly trapped, I can't fix it.  I can't get out.  Even though I must be able to or it would be unfair.  And above all things mentioned thus far, God is not unfair.

How I hate this.  I want to bring the curtain down, but I keep thinking that there must be a solution.  There must be a way to motivate myself to do those things I have to do.  I am so ashamed.  So totally ashamed of who I am and what I have done with my life.

Moods

Two insights about my overall mood.  1)  It is cyclical and 2) the overall direction across several cycles is negative.  Let's look at each.

1)  The cyclical nature is coincident with God only knows what.  I am sure there is a spiritual component, but it is if there is a huge delay between spiritual progress and the resultant impact on mood.  I can remember an instance where I went out in Field Service and that afternoon I felt this real "high" that I knew was a joy coming from having done what I knew I should be doing that morning.  Of course that was over 20 years ago.  More recently I spent several months gradually increasing the the "correct" practices: study,  meetings, prayer, service (the quad.)  Mood inched higher but given the level of effort (10 hours each week minimum) I was surprised at how imperceptibly the needle moved in any given week or month.  While the change was positive, the rate of change was abismal.

2) A year ago I was in a deep and dark place and would have thrown it all over if I hadn't fallen into the arms of a pretty good psychologist.  At 140 per session every other week and 160 per session for the psychologist and 300 /month for the medication, I chose not to keep it much longer than a few months.  It dug me out of a deep hole though.  Now I spend at least that much per month buying shit I don't need.  I get that little boost that lasts for a few hours when I get something new I like.  The disappointment that comes when I get something that is broken, or was different from what I ordered disrupts it though.  But I just buy more stuff to make up for it.


A few other observations:

1.  My mood can amplified and, strangely quelled, by listening to coincidental music.  In other words if I am feeling angry and frustrated, if I listen to music that inspires the same, then I feel more angry and frustrated but the also provided a relief and makes me feel justified in my anger and frustration.  I can feel the tension flowing out as I listen.